"I'm fine...it's just a nick"

These were my first words as the Schick Cuttro cut to the core of me

Good day. I say this because it is just what people say. Unfortunately for me it was not such a good day, well morning at least. I thought I would put my Mach3 in the back drawer this morning. It has served me well. You know, with its catch line “You take one stroke, it takes three” So I pulled out the new Schick Quattro which has an unbelievable four blades. Not that four blades is necessary but it’s just so excessive it’s awesome. It’s kind of like mom’s picking their kids up from school in a Jeep 4X4 HEMI 4.4litre V8. It’s excessive, but it’s cool nonetheless.

So anyway the first stroke with this razor was like death. It has wires on the blades to protect you from cutting yourself. It was not enough to protect me. Some words that came out of my mouth in quick succession after the first cut were: fuck, shit, whore, bitch, motherfucker, son of a bitch. Some sentences running through my head were: Death is imminent. Why me? Why now? Why like this? Everyone knows of my wish to die on an island. Why don’t chicks dig me?(I don’t know why I thought that, it had nothing to do with the blood spewing from my face) I think the catch line for the Quattro should be “You make one cut, it makes four gashes” My house is 2cm deep in blood this morning from the cut I received. If you look at the photo above of my basin you will see it is quite brutal.

So if anyone is contemplating buying the Quattro, good luck. Even better luck to the poor souls who buy the five bladed razor when it comes out. I think they should print a death warning on the packaging. I still stick to the Mach 3. Whereas using a Mach 3 is a daily ritual, or let’s call it a lifestyle, the Quattro is more of a once off type of razor. Because not only does it cut the hair, it removes the entire dermis layer. When your skin grows back, there is no hair. This is because the Quattro has cut it right out of your DNA.

On the subject of shaving, why does every gimp bitch school leaver find it cool to try and grow a beard? Seriously, unless you can grow stubble that is sharp enough to cut diamonds then don’t grow anything at all. It looks pathetic. I personally will not try growing a beard unless it’s going to be seriously hard core like Clive Owens. I want people to walk around me when they see my beard. I want people to pray to my beard on Sundays. I want Jean Claude Van Damme to get the shivers when he sees my beard. I want shrines put up around Thailand to honour my beard. And of course don’t try and grow a moustache unless it’s going to kick someone’s ass and drive your car for you. Growing a ‘tache like the guy from American Chopper is cool. I dig the handlebar muzzie, but anything less is not cool. It’s like getting plastic stick on spinners put onto your car wheels. Unless you are going to get 20 inch, R200000 panty droppers, then rather get nothing at all. Same goes for the ‘tache. Now do as I say, and as I do.