Conan O' Brien: Legends are born in his shadow

Conan O’ Brien

I am a rather huge Conan fan, to the point of it being crazy. If I have to get up early in the morning (Which thankfully only happens around the time of a solar eclipse or if the world is on the verge of nuclear meltdown) I will still stay up to watch Conan. In order for me to get new people interested in his show I thought I would post some of his classic quotes here to entice you. It airs every night at 12:45pm. It’s late but worth it. By the way Conan is the Gaelic word for “male supermodel” as you can see from the above photo. Conan has this innate (More on my complicated use of language at the end of this article) ability to laugh at himself, every day. He finds his pale skin particularly funny and he now has a show called “Pale force” He is also famous for his crazy hair style and his power in getting Tarja Hamilton (Think that’s the name) re-elected in Finland as president or something(I was too lazy to find out the real facts) The humour is sometimes difficult to follow as many of his quotes refer to overseas things but here are some new, and old, classic quotes, enjoy. Note: In all of these quotes the first sentence is actually true. The rest is the joke so they are not completely made up

"Yesterday, Prince Charles gave a speech in San Francisco with Camilla at his side. Prince Charles says he likes visiting San Francisco -- because it's the one city where he can stand proudly next to the man he loves."

"The other day in Los Angeles, Paris Hilton was involved in a minor car accident. Apparently, Paris was rammed from behind, then, later, she had a car accident."

"Prince Charles and his wife, Camilla, flew to Washington, D.C. today to meet President Bush and the First Lady. Unfortunately, during the 21-gun salute on the South Lawn, Camilla got frightened, bolted and jumped over a fence." (This is obviously referring to the fact that she looks like a horse- Conan takes everyone to pieces on his show!)

"During a press briefing this week, a journalist asked President Bush what he carried in his pockets -- and Bush showed him that all he had was a handkerchief. Or as President Bush calls it his 'booger motel.'"

"Officials in the Philippines are charging the environmental group Greenpeace $7000 because one of Greenpeace's boats destroyed a coral reef. Greenpeace says it will pay the fine by selling off its collection of rare ivory."

"Earlier this week, a car that belonged to Pope John Paul II was sold at an auction for $700,000. The new owner says the first thing he's going to do is take off the 'No Fat Chicks' bumper sticker."

"'US' magazine reports that Britney Spears recently got so angry with Kevin Federline that she moved out of the house for a week. Apparently, Britney told Federline, 'Pull the house over, I'm getting out.'"

"Yesterday at the White House, President Bush met with Prince Charles and his wife Camilla. There was one awkward moment when Bush told Prince Charles, 'Hey, your mom looks even older than my mom.'"

"According to 'Golf Digest,' Tom Cruise is considered the worst celebrity golfer. Apparently, Cruise just can't seem to get it in the hole."

"Kevin Federline has recorded a rap album. Critics say he doesn't sound like an authentic rapper. They may be right, because on one song, Federline gives a shout-out to his 'mobile homies.'"

"Yesterday, Prince Charles and his wife Camilla visited New Orleans. As a result residents once again evacuated."

"There's a rumor going around that the reason Kirstie Alley lost so much weight was because she had her stomach stapled. When asked about it, Alley said, 'That's ridiculous. I didn't have it stapled - I had it spot-welded.'"

"This week, the U.S. government announced that it would not accept more than 300,000 meals donated to Hurricane Katrina victims by the British. A spokesman for the U.S. government explained that the Katrina victims have suffered enough."

"According to a new poll the most famous magazine cover of all time is the Rolling Stone cover where a naked John Lennon is hugging Yoko Ono. The least popular? When a naked Ruben Studdard hugged a glazed ham."

"David Copperfield has announced plans to impregnate a woman onstage without touching her. Copperfield calls his new trick 'The Tom Cruise.'"

"Saddam Hussein's trial was televised live and, of course, many Iraqis were glued to their TV sets. Mainly, because years ago, Saddam had them glued to their TV sets."

"The other day, Hawaii passed a new law that will allow hunters to shoot stray cattle. As a result, Hawaiian authorities issued a warning to the fat guy from 'Lost.'"

"'US Weekly' is reporting that Tom Cruise is shopping for a house in Toledo, Ohio. Cruise says he wants to move to Toledo because it's an easy commute to his job in Crazytown."

“It’s been reported that Britney Spears had a huge fight with husband Kevin Federline and threw him out of the house. It could have been dangerous, because at the time the house was going 60 miles an hour.”

“In a speech yesterday, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld criticized the media for portraying the Iraq war in a negative light. Rumsfeld said, “The media should focus on the more light hearted, fun aspects of the war.”

“President Bush is being criticized by Christian groups because his holiday cards don’t have the word “Christmas” in them. In response, the president said, “You try spelling it.”

“People magazine reported this week that that Britney Spears fired Kevin Federline’s bodyguard because she caught him and Kevin buying pot. Isn’t that shocking? Kevin Federline has a bodyguard.

“It’s been reported that Justin Timberlake has been turned down for a role in a movie because his voice is too high. Which is weird, since Timberlake was auditioning for the role of ‘Frightened little girl No. 3.’”

“It’s been reported that several magazines have offered Ben Affleck thousands of dollars to publish pictures of his baby. Which means the baby is the only Affleck whose pictures actually make money.”

“Today the controversial new movie ‘Brokeback Mountain’ opens about two gay cowboys. Apparently, you can tell the characters are gay because they’re dressed like cowboys.”

“Elton John is planning to marry his long-time partner later this month, and sources say he’s currently planning the bachelor party. Sources say, instead of a giant cake, a man will jump out of another man.”

“Donald Trump has agreed to endorse a line of premium vodkas. Trump’s vodka doesn’t give you a hangover, but it does give you a combover.”

“This week in China, Tom Cruise finished up shooting the latest ‘Mission Impossible’ movie. This one is a thriller where Cruise tracks down whoever really knocked up Katie Holmes.”

“Earlier today President Bush sent out 1.4 million Christmas cards to his friends and supporters. In a related story Dick Cheney sent out three.”

“The U.S. Military is being accused of paying Iraqi newspapers to publish fake articles that support President Bush. When he heard about it, President Bush was furious and said, ‘Why aren’t they doing that in American newspapers?”

“This year, President Bush and The First Lady sent Christmas cards to the leaders of 200 countries. Apparently it would have been 201, but someone told the President that Legoland isn’t a real country.”

“Fidel Castro announced today that the Cuban national team will play in next year’s World Baseball Classic in Puerto Rico. In fact, the team left on a raft this morning.”

“This week, ABC is showing a movie about the love affair between Prince Charles and Camilla Parker Bowles, and the movie’s getting bad reviews. The critics say that the guy who plays Camilla is terrible.”

This is the link to his site:http://www.nbc.com/Late_Night_with_Conan_O'Brien/fan_favorites/

Referring back to the word “innate” I have recently been slipping words into my writing that sound really fancy. The truth is, I have no idea what they mean but I have just heard them. And no one notices this. So I am just going to carry on doing it because it’s kind of a cheap way of making me sound like I attended MIT or Harvard or something.