Woolworths

Never before have I ever hooked up with so many birds as I have since Woolworths introduced their fantastic food stores a couple of years ago. And the birds I get are filthy as well. They have been running around in the dirt all day and when Woolworths eventually get hold of them they coat them in butter and oil and spit roast them…This is typically a writing ploy that magazines use and it’s cheesy because you knew I was talking about chickens the whole time. That’s why magazines are shit and I’m cool. By the pool. Wearing wool. Picking up a tool. What the fuck am I writing? Anyway.I’m obviously talking about chickens although I hear all this stuff happens to real women as well. Well so I hear via the grapevine…Anyway I was at Woolworths on Friday picking up some stuff when I walked past the cheese section and nearly dropped my load(Another cheap magazine ploy that feature writers use. Funny. If you’re 9 years old. Living in Guam. In a gutter. A gutter full of water) of shopping. There was a fit young woman, maybe late twenties, bending over to get something and all the while flashing her lacy, racy underwear. It was sheer bliss and it put a smile on my face. So I went to the check out counter and she was at the check out next to me. I tried to act real cool. Instead everything went wrong. One of the other check out ladies thought she would help me out by handing my bag full of groceries to me. Now if you have ever tried to get a heavy shopping bag out of someone’s hands without hurting them, you will know it’s impossible. So I tried to be gentle but as I was manhandling the bag out of her hands, my wallet tipped upside down and all my coins fell out. They hit the ground with that sound that bullet shells make when they hit the ground. There were about 15 coins now scattered around the shop and everyone was looking at me like a gimp, including this dream women with the nice underwear. So to the lady who tried to help me give me my bag full of stuff, next time I can do it on my own. Gosh.