Why Cape Town restaurant’s suck

I don’t really go to restaurants or eat out because it’s not my style and I hate paying R50 for a stupid piece of chicken when I can make it myself for like R10. But this is why Cape Town restaurant’s suck (Ok this is actually only referring to the ones along the beach…you know Camps Bay style)

No one eats

When you go to these places everyone sit’s around moving their pieces of lettuce and brown rice around the plate. They then toss some of it to the seagulls and order more champagne. Their meal cost R200 and all they achieved with it was convincing the seagulls what shit food humans eat. But the point here is that these people go to these places to be seen. Although through their Dior and Armani sunglasses it is difficult to see who these people are because their glasses shield their whole faces. Right down to the neck

It’s depressing

If you really want to go to these places for the experience, you will realise what a shit experience it is unless you are rich. You may have saved a bit of cash to go to one of these restaurants but the locals will sniff you out and you will be stared at. Just don’t get freaked out when a skeleton is staring at you. That’s just a model losing weight for the summer season. She will eat a broccoli floret when she get’s some work. This will give her enough energy to get to the shoot. Cocaine and champagne will get her through the shoot. But basically these places are full of superficial people with no real lives. These restaurants are tainted by the smell of botox, drugs and fucking miff French perfume that burns the nostrils. So give them a skip.

No one speaks

People are afraid to speak because speaking causes premature wrinkles. That, and their lives are so boring they have nothing to speak about. And they are trying to eaves drop on other people’s conversations to hear the latest gossip on who is the skinniest for the summer season. It’s not unusual to hear girls saying “Oh my God I’m so fat. I’m like 32 kg’s you know. I need to switch to the no calorie diet. I hear Heidi is, like, 22 kg’s. She’s my hero. But she’s a whore” However when these people do speak it’s loud so everyone can hear. “Oh my God Sharon is such a whore for sleeping with my husband I want to vomit” You want to vomit anyway, honey. Because you are inevitably fat. Or the other conversation “Yeah I just bought property in the Bahama’s” To which the trophy wife replies “Oh but honey that’s not important I love your personality and your disgusting belly and greasy hair. I’m so in love” Yeah until Flavio get’s busted on money laundering charges. From being all over him like a cheap suit you suddenly avoid him like K-Fed and the plague.