Selling the folks

It was a fine Thursday morning and I was sitting on my balcony admiring the view I had of the mountain. The sun was warm on my face and I was laughing. Bizarre but true. Then suddenly I started thinking about a conversation I had had with a friend a couple of nights prior. We had been talking about Tom Cruise and how completely insane he is. He seems to be the laughing stock these days. I swear I walked into my gran’s flat the other day and she was practising her “couch hopping”. It was truly bizarre. But Tom has these weird things he does because of his religion. No one has seen his child yet, he thinks vitamins can cure the world of everything and he seems to be quite controlling over every aspect of his life. My very intelligent friend and I also spoke about how different our parents are compared to Tom, both mentally and financially. That was when I realised the power of money. I always knew it was powerful, but I never thought of selling my parents for it. “By the dumb face of George W. Bush” I shouted out loud, realising that if I were given the chance I would trade my parents in. I mean it’s about time anyway. My aunt trades her car in every two years. I have had my parents 21 years and frankly they are out of style, out of performance and their wallets are definitely out of petrol. Old cars are sometimes just not worth servicing. My parents are like an old Datsun so I reckon an entire new set of folks is just what I need. Sheer genius! I don’t know why I did not think of this 10 years ago.

I needed money to buy myself a laptop computer, PVR from DSTV and a nice big plasma screen television. But there is no way my parents would ever buy me this stuff because of the price. I thought “Tom Cruise could provide me with all of this. He is rich, famous and always has a big toothy grin!” That is when I came to the realisation that I am a very bad person. I started thinking that if offered the chance I would trade my parents for Tom Cruise. It was not a once off thought though. I am in a constant daze these days because I am always thinking of the life I would be leading if Tom was paying for it. Yes, I would be up to my ears in laptop computers if I had access to his fortune. I would never need to paint my bedroom walls because they would be filled with plasma screen televisions. I would have hours and hours of recordings of Late Night with Conan ‘o Brien to watch during the day, because as his new child, Tom would probably not let me leave the house for the first 6 or 7 years, just like Suri. But that’s fine with me. At the moment I can’t leave the house anyway because my parents can’t afford to service my car so it does not drive. When Tom eventually does allow me to leave I will be driving a Hummer anyway, so what do I care? I will be the only person ever to see Suri Cruise. I can chill out with Suri all day, we can laugh at what a weirdo our dad is and we can destroy Tom’s DVD collection because that is what children do, they destroy stuff. Rumour has it that Tom gave Katie a set of DVD’s of all the movies he has been in. Well we can use this very collection as frisbees in our palatial garden. As Tom’s son, I will master the art of jumping on couches. I will be Tom’s apprentice and learn how to save the world from aliens and non-scientologists. I will learn how to cure every known disease with vitamins. I will be seen as a modern day warrior because I will run amid flocks of birds ravaged by the bird flu and I will not blink an eyelid, because I know with my trusty bottle of vitamin tablets that nothing can stop me. I will learn psychology, because Tom knows everything about it and I will definitely not be “glib” as other people are according to Tom. In addition to all this knowledge I will learn how to declare my love for someone in an over the top fashion. I will also know when I really love someone so that we can make the decision to marry and have kids within a matter of months. I will be able to ask Tom why he never ever wears shorts. I will learn the secret to getting a great set of pearly whites. But most importantly Tom will be able to supply me with everything I want and need, because Tom Cruise is the universe. Nothing in the world would run properly without Tom Cruise. I bet you have asked yourself these question before: How the hell does the stock exchange work? How do they package toothpaste so that no matter how you squeeze the tube those three stripes come out perfectly, right to the very last squeeze? The answers are easy: Tom Cruise.

I asked my parents if they would be able to offer me all these things that Tom can offer me. Their reply was “Not a chance in hell! You have lost your mind child. I told you, no smoking the reefer before 7pm from Monday to Friday” They regretted saying that. Because ten minutes later, they were for sale on E-Bay. Bye bye mom and dad, hello world domination.