Three reason’s why gyms can fuck off

There is a reason for the random photo’s…read on

They are filthy

That humble bike you pedal at gym is filthier than a small town’s petrol station pie. Can you imagine how much ass has been all over that bike? Granted if you live in Town and visit the Gardens Virgin Active it’s going to be all super fit model ass so it’s alright. But the other gyms are inhabited by nasty fat guys and even nastier old women. Would you let 10000 people ride your bike and sweat all over it? I wouldn’t. Would Lance have won the Tour 7 times if an old guy had planted his sweaty ass all over his saddle and then sweated all over the grips and on the frame? No because he would have got athletes body (not foot) and died.

They resemble cheap porn films

There are many images that will never leave my mind. Like seeing two fucking hot models at Clifton last year tanning topless. It was one of those days where I had to tan my back only. What made it better was it was only myself and my friend Charlie at the beach because everyone else had decided not to go. I chuckled when I realised what they were missing. Another horrendous sight was also courtesy of Clifton when we were minding our own business, checking out the hot model ass on the beach. Then suddenly as if God was punishing us for staring so openly at these hot women, a horror show appeared next to us. An old guy and his wife arrived and of all the places to sit on the beach, they sat next to us. She tanned her “hang tette”(hanging tits) and he sat there, in a G-String. Mother of God, Earl was right about Karma. Do bad things and bad things will come to you. I must have done a shit load wrong to deserve that. But possibly the nastiest sight was courtesy of Virgin Active in Claremont. A woman, I’d guess in her fifties, ugly as sin, arrived in one of those tight body suit leotard things. Over this was this G-String thing that went over her shoulders like braces. Seeing this fucking purple G-String riding up her ass almost made me return to Church on Sundays. Almost, but not quite. Then there was the other guy who used to arrive at gym and just stare at himself in the mirror the whole time. He had a torn T-shirt on but you could see it was purposefully torn and not naturally worn. He would find the heaviest weight, do two or three reps of it then put it down screaming and stare at himself in amazement for the next 30 minutes. What a wanker. The changing rooms are nightmares in themselves. You walk in there and old guys stare at you like you are a piece of meat. If cops really want to catch paedophiles I can tell you where they are. Gym changing rooms.

They are mind numbing

I could think of nothing more boring than wasting an hour of my day aimlessly lifting weights. Yes it’s all well and good to want to look like Mr Mens Health but do you ever see any of these gym bunnies with girls? No because they never get out of the gym and have no social skills. This is a mock conversation between a weight lifter and a girl

Weight lifter: So you come here often

Girl: Yeah kind of

WL: Oh ok

Silence

WL: I only come here when I’m not at gym

G:Oh cool

WL: Yeah I could probably bench press you ha ha ha! I ate four chickens today ha ha ha!

G: Oh I’m vegetarian

WL: Oh so you throw up after meals as well?

G: No I don’t eat meat

WL: Oh I thought you meant something else. I throw up after some meals to get ultra ripped for shows.

G: Ok I must go now.

WL: Do you want to fuck me?

G: Excuse me?

WL: Well we talked, so now you sleep with me.

G: Fuck you freak

WL: You can come back to my place for creatine sandwich and Testosterox tablets! We can drink badger milk and make love!

G: Bouncer get this freak away.

So you see weights will not make you more intelligent or get you a hot girlfriend. But it will shrink your balls. Now that sucks. Plus by not going to gym you save membership fees. If you really want to get fit and have fun then do something with your mates. Just look at me and my mate Mike on Lions Head in the photo’s above. Fun times indeed.