Stop press

The earth will cease to rotate on its axis, Elvis will win a game of bingo in Las Vegas and the stock market will crash for an eternity. Religions will cease to exist and the threat of aliens taking over the world will eclipse any problem the world has ever seen before. Tom Cruise is getting married. I now declare a moments silence for Katie Holmes. Say goodbye to your life! But apparently if they do divorce she receives $3 million per year they were married up until 11 years of marriage. Apparently after that she get’s half of his fortune. HANG IN THERE LITTLE TYKE! Think about it, divorce the 1ft2in actor in the twelfth year and you are LOADED! Half of Tom’s fortune, that’s like an entire stock exchange you will get. But until then you are fucked. The next 11 years you are not going to be allowed to speak until spoken to, you shall bow down to that Ron Hubbard dude and make soup out of aliens to give you “Otherworldly strength” and to protect you from bird flu. From this moment on Katie you are not governed by laws that govern us poor people. You are governed by the Tominator! Every evening before bed you will be made to jump on a couch which will be your daily exercise. You must eat lava from Mount Vesuvius to obey your religions laws. You will not smoke pot, drink alcohol or schnaaf cocaine. Yes you were innocent in Dawsons Creek but I heard of those crazy drug fuelled sex parties. From now on you are Tom’s bee-atch and you will follow him.Never walk in front of him because then people can’t see him. But yeah I know things are looking bleak but it’s only 11 years. Some people steal millions of dollars and go to prison for 30 years but when they come out and pick up their hidden stash of cash they say “By George it was worth it!” And so you will utter this line one day Katie. Go in peace. The photo above from www.news24.com was actually taken while Tom was walking on stilts. And he's still shorter than Katie...