In an effort to make golf a better game for young people I conveniently formulated a letter to send to golf club managers around my fine land. Sheer genius from me once again.

Dear Club Manager

We all reach middle age and realize that the time has come for a makeover. Maybe a wardrobe makeover, a makeover on our hair or an entire body makeover. Golf is a sport that has been around for a very long time and it is getting old, grumpy and slow. Just like some of the people who play it. Golf moves at a deathly pace and you can gauge this by the suicidal monotone voices of golf commentators. They speak as though they have been administered an elephant tranquilizer with their jungle oats that morning. They talk about the weather, the history of the sport and sometimes they even talk of things we don’t know about. They basically state the obvious and seem bored with their jobs. If the ball goes in the hole they say “Brilliant shot!” If it lands near the hole they say “He should be able to one putt it from there” If it goes in the bunker they say “He is in a spot of bother there” Clearly they are bored because the sport is bored. We need to put the “go” back in golf. It’s time to change the dreary image of the sport. Here are some ideas to start with.

We could start with the members of golf courses. Their sense of humours clearly got lost during the great depression and they have no time for us young people. We are the future, without us golf will be nothing, nothing! The older members should be grateful when we arrive because we are paying to play at these courses and by doing this we are keeping them running. And why do the members complain when I get to the 19^th hole and sink ten draughts? Yes I do get a little rowdy from time to time and I have been known to take certain items of clothing off. But I have paid for those ten pints and for that the club should be grateful. I am putting South African money into their accounts. Another thing they need to change is the warning call for when someone is about to be knocked out by a ball traveling at 200km/hr. At the moment they shout “Fore!” Being a drunken student this takes time to register in my brain and when it eventually does, I jokingly shout “Five” before being cleaned off my feet by a white ball covered in dimples. For a warning to really catch someone’s attention it should contain at least three swear words, and that’s the truth. And the ball makers should put dimples on only one half of the ball to spice things up a little bit. Every time you hit the ball it will be unpredictable. We will have to re-learn to play the game of golf and this will put interest back in the sport. Besides variety is the spice of life and golf needs a bit of hot Bombay chilli to get it going. And the rule that forbids us from using cell phones? By the hammer of Thor, this is so outdated it is unbelievable. What if a rather striking young lass I met the previous week is calling me to see if I want to go out with her? If I don’t take that call she might give up on me because she thinks that by me not taking her call I am not interested in her lovely form. I could lose out on a soul mate so let’s scrap the “no answering of phones while playing” rule. And what’s with the current crop of golf cars? They seem to be powered by solar panels. Let’s get BMW on the job to put some petrol drinking, oil burning, global warming, over priced engines into them to give them a little more speed and flair. That way we can play 18 holes of golf in the time it would normally take to play 9 holes. Time is money these days so we cannot waste it. This would obviously lead to more injuries on the golf course but golfers who are walking around should then be warned to watch out for these golf course hogs crossing the fairway rather dangerously. And by the beard of Zeus, the days of real lawn are over. Why bother watering real lawn when for a large sum of money we could invest in some hockey style Astro-Turf. Yes the new golf carts and Astro-Turf will cost a fair amount but this will be paid for easily once the young people start frequenting the 19^th hole and start spending obscene amounts of money on various alcoholic beverages. Besides, with the new lawn the balls will roll better, it is always green and needs no mowing. And every box where we tee off from should also have a vending machine filled with beer, whiskey and and some more whiskey. Because golf is a tiresome sport so we need to quench our thirst every hole. Dehydration is a very serious problem for even the most physically fit being. We also need vital carbohydrates for energy so that we can keep our focus. Beer is actually a wonder drink for golf. It provides carbohydrates for energy, water for hydration and alcohol to calm our nerves. By the end of the second hole my nerves are usually shot and I just want to attack everything that moves across my visionary field. Beer will help. Fashion is an amazing thing but the golf world does not have fashion in its dictionary. I mean Great Odens Raven, the bland shirt and khaki pant look is definitely not a good look. Get somebody like Tom Ford from Gucci in to help with the design of next seasons golf wear. Or we could go local and get Craig Native to design some wicked golfer wear with an edge. A couple more young lady members would be a rather nice addition as well. Put out adverts saying something like this “Free earrings/ring/hair clip with every ladies membership taken out from now on” Girls love that crap. Then tell them that a whole crop of strapping young lads have recently joined the club and they look remarkably like Achilles from Troy. Girls will immediately think of Brad Pitt in Troy and flock to sign their membership forms without even looking at the membership fees.

This increase in membership of young people will mean more fun and more money and will carry golf way into the future and make it the most desired sport in the world. Golf will go on to be the sport of warriors, trojans, gladiators and titans the world over! We want to get a petition going and are looking for club managers to join in to this petition which sets out to change the face of golf for the better. If you are interested you can write back to me. Even just write back to view your thoughts on my ideas, whether they are good, bad or just plain stupid.

Yours sincerely

The Honourable Sean Lloyd