Property developers

As if my life were not Tainted (Cheap plug for Plush’s song, you guys owe me if this makes you mega world wide famous) enough by drunk car guards, women who won’t speak to me, women who think I’m a complete fool, over priced everything and studying, then I still have to deal with estate agents and property developers. Well not “deal” with them in a business sense because I have not got to that shitty stage in my life where I have to drop R10 million on a fucking lego house on a 2 square metre property that the estate agent has labelled “Avant Garde” It’s more like “Avant Ghetto” When the estate agent says the house needs TLC you can gather a few things

1) He is new to the area or he has just started out in the business and is getting all the shit houses to sell.

2) He knows nothing about houses (Which is a common trait amongst estate agents)

3) The house is fucked and the only thing you need to do is make sure a wrecking ball flattens it.

You can’t get a decent house these days for a good price. Kids these days may as well give up before they have even started. But kids should not give up on life just yet. Milk your parents for all they are worth while you are still at school because school is fun and you don’t need a job. Get drunk, take drugs, shag and don’t study. Once you finish school and realise there is no hope at living a decent life unless you are the CEO of a business that rips the public off (Read: Telkom, Vodacom) then you may kill yourself. Or you could join a small tribe in the Amazon where you live a self sustainable life off the land. But live through school and even better, varsity, where you will see so many naked, drunk women it’s a joke. Back to the estate agent story. When I walk into a house and an estate agent starts trying to make this shack sound like a 5^th Avenue apartment I get into a rage. I hate estate agents. But even worse…even worse than them and my perennial favourite car guards…the worst actually…are property developers. I love being offered an apartment with the catchline “London style apartment in the heart of the city” A couple of things here:

1) Why the fuck would I want to live in something that resembles London? If I wanted that I would join the other pale, miserable South Africans in that dump

2) Lower Wynberg does not constitute the “heart of the city”. Wynberg constitutes the ass of the city, or lets be nice here, the gall bladder of the city.

The other thing that I hate about them is that they knock down one house and replace it with 7 apartments. If I have kids one day and they live in Cape Town they are going to be living in a miserable 2 square metre apartment because there will be no houses left. Then they charge, oh let’s see, R2 million for these apartments.

Then there are developers who develop offices. Driving down Wynberg main road a while back ( No not to pick up drugs or hookers…I was going to the pharmacy to pick up medication for the side effect of drugs and hookers…jokes I needed face wash.) there was an office block with a sign on it saying “Free telescope” What they meant is that if you buy(or rent I think) office space you get a free telescope. Fucking hell! What on God’s green earth do I need a free telescope for when getting office space? At lunch time are you suddenly going to think “By George, let’s look at fucking Neil Armstrong walking on the moon” What are you honestly going to see from main road Wynberg other than decay, litter and drug peddling? It could come in handy if you park your car far down the road and want to see who is breaking into your car and what they are stealing. I honestly believe estate agents and property developers are the reason this world is going downhill. And I’m spent.