Don’t mess with perfection

If there is one thing I learnt from my mate Dave (no this is not an Ali G joke, his name really is Dave) it is to “never mess with perfection” That is why Dave and I don’t go to gym. So then I began to think who has messed with perfection. Here is my list:

Woolworths

I generally dig Woolworths because nowhere else can you buy roast chicken like at Woolworths. I eat chicken all the time. I eat it at lunch and dinner and in between. And it’s always Woolworths chicken. However my Woolworths frying pan is a piece of shit. You see a perfect pan is smooth. Woolworths thought it would be cool to imprint a honeycomb design onto their non stick pans. So after using it a little while these raised honeycomb pieces start collecting grease and it is nearly impossible to clean. You have to scrub like a bitch to clean it and that’s not fun. Then because these edges are raised slightly they make it easier for the non stick coating to come off. What I want to know is: What the fuck was wrong with a pan with a smooth surface? My Bauer pan cooks my Woolworths pan and eats it for breakfast. It rocks

Indicators

My old man drives a new Corsa bakkie and it’s all cool until you use the indicators. Instead of the old “ticking” sound that all other cars make they have now replaced it by an electronic “beep beep” sound. There is nothing that pisses me off more than this fucking beep beep while I’m trying to listen to the radio. Why would Opel do this? They are more stupid than anyone could ever imagine.

Sunscreen

Why does every sunscreen come in a fucking spray bottle these days? What exactly was wrong with the normal cream? Enevitably you are sitting on the beach spraying this cream and 25% blows away in the wind. Another percentage sprays in your eyes or greases your glasses up and then the last bit of cream in the bottle cannot get sucked up by the spray tube. And the nozzle gets clogged as well. Is this a ploy by the sunscreen manufacturers to make us use their cream quicker? I think it is. Then they still charge us R110 for the stuff. Fuckers.

More “Don’t mess with perfection” lists to follow but my brain is a little misty from sitting in the sun at Clifton yesterday during the hottest hours.

Survivors finished…12 more celebrities

Well now that Survivor SA is finished we have another 12 “celebrities” Are you serious, must we actually celebrate these people? Just because you sat on an island for a month eating rice does not make you important. But a couple of you will think you are important. You won’t stand in queues anymore, won’t want to pay for drinks, will throw a fit at any time of the day over something as trivial as the wind blowing, you will get a manager and try and enter the SA celebrity circle. Which is a tough circle to enter. You only need to be on TV for two minutes to enter this circle. The leader of this circle has got to be Tanit Phoenix. She is the ultimate “I want to be a celebrity” celebrity. Let’s take a look at some things she has done that have “Set up” written all over them. She dated Roland Schoeman at the height of his fame. There were photo’s taken of them in a shopping centre. The photo’s caught them hugging each other and giving really cheesy smiles. Since when do you walk around a shopping centre and then decide to give your girlfriend a hug? But a hug like you hug your mom? You don’t do this and this screams publicity to my ears. Then I recall seeing a photo of her in a jewellery store. She happened to pop in there and there happened to be a photographer outside the shop at some obscure time of the day. In SA we don’t have paparazzi that follow people around all day so the chances of there being a photographer around when Tanit is shopping are very slim. Slim to fuck all chance of this happening. Then there were the photo’s of her tanning topless on the beach. She said something about not knowing there would be a photographer on the beach. And who fucking goes running in the waves by themselves, topless, with a big smile on their face? No one does this. Then there was her movie role in Lord of War that was supposed to be huge. We saw her for all of 10 seconds. Here is my idea of how these photo’s of Tanit get taken.

Tanit wakes up in the morning, checks her schedule and realises she has no work for a month. She then thinks “I need publicity” So she heads down to the beach to tan topless. Knowing it is a weekday and no one is at the beach to spot her she thinks “Let me make an anonymous call to a magazine or newspaper to let them know I’m on the beach” The call probably goes something like this.

Tanit: Hi, um Tanit Phoenix is tanning topless on Clifton. I thought I should let you guys know.

Magazine photographer: That’s great! We will be there as soon as possible.

T:This is going to be so great for my career!

MF: Excuse me?

T: Um I meant to say this is going to be great for Tanit, it should get her lot’s of exposure

MF: Sorry ma’m can we please get your name for reference purposes?

T: Yes it’s Tanit…um…er I mean it’s Box Spokes. Uh…I hope you don’t think I’m Tanit calling in because I’m not. Um ok bye.

The photographer goes to the beach, takes the photo and Tanit is in the news again. Easy. Look I don’t doubt Tanit is hot and has a super fit body but the fake publicity she tries to create drives me insane. Rather just stick to modelling and stop trying to be the next Hollywood star.

Name change

I have decided to change the name of this blog. Why, you may ask? Because I can. No I want something that is going to be more sophisticated and long lasting. I want something to carry the blog into 2007 with, something wicked, something cool, something shibby. So if you see the name change throughout the week it’s just me testing it out to see what it looks like. Don’t worry, the address will still be the same so it’s just a little touch up work on the exterior. I’m thinking along the lines of SLXS or SL ROKR(Rocker)

The reason for the new name is that SL is my initials. XS is a way of saying “Excess” and I think that sums up how we should live life. We should excess it up. We should dream of being rock stars. We should laugh and say “I don’t give a fuck about a job” We should live life excessively. Why buy a pair of shorts for R200 on sale when you can pay R500 when they not on sale? Why drive a 1.3litre car when you could be driving a petrol guzzler that the bank is paying for? Why fucking drink apple juice when you could just eat a crate of apples at Fruit ‘n Veg city? Why wear a Seiko watch when you can wear a $200000 watch from Jacob the jeweller? Why go on holiday to Hermanus when you can holiday in The Bahamas? Why sleep with your girlfriend when it’s much easier and more lucrative to shag Paris Hilton? It’s all about the excess. I can dig that.

Half hearted apology

I suppose I have to apologise somewhat for the letter to Vodacom saying “Fuck YOU Vodacom!” I went in to the Vodacom customer care store this morning and found out that because I only signed a contract on the 7^th of the month, they had given me one weeks less megs to use. And they had also reduced my rates by about R100. So technically I did not lose out. But I did. They cut me short by 90 megs. I thought I was getting these 90 megs still. And I can still get them. But because they are my out of bundle rates I will be charged R2/meg instead of about 75c/meg. So I don’t know why the tool at the store where I signed the contract did not let me know about this technicality. So technically they are not screwing me over. But realistically Vodacom are fucking me worse than Paris Hilton on speed in a $2 motel. And for that reason alone I will leave my old post up. Only because I can. And admit it, it was a funny letter. I’m still laughing. I’m putting this post up on my R2/meg rates so I have to go now because I can’t help but thinking Vodacom are having their dirty way with me.

For your information…

Before I get into the good stuff just an update. Please do have a look at the November archives. Due to the amount of mindless shit I write, not all of it appears on this page. There is stuff in the archive that is no good to anyone on the planet but take a look at it if you are really bored. Secondly, do take a look at my new links on this page, namely sackmanto.com-It’s trying to get rid of our health minister which is a good thing. The other new one is Hellkom- they are anti Telkom due to the insane prices they charge. Thirdly, this is a classic. I was driving down Lansdowne Road on Friday and a board caught my eye saying something like this “Pupils watch as teacher has sex” I think it was a board from The Sun. How cooked is that? Imagine you are visiting Cape Town and you see this stuff. People must think we are nuts. My school days were never so exciting. Just thought I’d throw that out there. I did a serious amount of quality writing this weekend. I was blazing my way through Microsoft Word. I was all over my writing like a cheap suit. I smacked words around like you would a red haired step child. Yeah, yeah, child abuse. One word. Joke. So enjoy it. I’m posting this on Sunday evening so that when everyone gets to work on Monday, they can read it. The thing’s I do… Actually I lie I’m only posting this now because I have nothing to do, no friends, no future, no money, no petrol. Cool, that’s all.

“We don’t need no men!”- Quoted- Women worldwide

To all the editors of these chicks magazines like Femina, Cosmopolitan and Glamour, this post is for you. Now read up.

Look, I’m a modern day guy and I’m all for chicks doing things that mainly only guys used to do like being the CEO of a company, having full time jobs and raking in the cash. But the articles in these women’s magazines make me want to chunder all over myself. Yes you read it right. My favourite one’s are the ever popular “Why we CAN live without men!” I always read these magazines of my sisters in an effort to get inside women’s heads and figure out what they really think. Let’s equate how far I have got into the inner workings of women’s minds by using the earth as an example. If the molten core of the earth is the inner workings of a women’s mind, then I am busy scraping the topsoil in my garden. I am fuck all nowhere when it comes to understanding them. These editors of these chicks magazines are mindfucking the women who read their magazines. Women read these articles and believe everything that is said in them. Then I see these same women out at night and when they try pull me, and I dust them off, they then bring out the “I don’t need a man anyway!” card. Bullshit you don’t need a man! Let me put a couple things straight here and explain to you why you need men. Then after you have read it and thought “By George, this man is a genius!” then I will accept your apologies for saying you didn’t need a man. Here’s why you need us:

1) When was the last time you had a child by yourself? Exactly

2) Was it not a man by the name of Henry Ford who introduced vehicles to this world? If it were not for that man you would not be driving around in your pink smart car while trying to put your lip gloss on and trying to have a conversation on your pink Motorola Razr. Can you imagine having a girl’s weekend away in Knysna and walking there? Not fun is it? Exactly the reason why you need a car. And why you needed a man to design it.

3) Its fun posting your weekend shenanigans on YouTube is it not? Three names. Steve Chen, Chad Hurley and Jawed Karim. Founders of YouTube. All men. Enough said.

4) I see you running on the treadmill at the gym with those white earphones pumping the beats into your ears. iPods are great things. One man. Steve Jobs. No Stevie, no music.

5) Adam and Eve. No Adam, no world.

6) I bet you are reading this on your computer which probably runs on Windows. Bill Gates. Gender: Male

7) Will Ferrel is a man.

8) Would you be laughing so much right now reading this article if it were not written? No, of course not because if it was not written you could obviously not read it. I’m male. I wrote it.

9) I know how you girls love talking about Brad Pitt and Matthew McConaughey and saying things like “Oh my God, they’re like, so hot! Oh my God!” Am I correct in saying that they are male?

10) I bet you like those Armani sunglasses of yours! Giorgio is a guy’s name. In fact Giorgio is a guy.

Now take some time to savour this article because, and I don’t often say this, you know I’m 100% right. Now that’s funny. That’s hilarious. That’s hysterical. I win.

Minki pics…scam

So Friday turned crazy when I had friends calling saying “We have the Minki pictures!” To say my mind was racing was an understatement. My mind was on fire. I checked my heart rate. It was 1000bpm. Clinically impossible, but it happened. Anyway I checked my e-mail, saw the photo’s and quite frankly was not that impressed. Look, getting them was better than getting a kick in the face, but still. I think I have seen more provocative photo’s of her on the side of tanks in Iraq and in the Sports Illustrated Swimwear Edition. So if the ones I have are real, then I don’t know what the fuss is about. You don’t even see any tit, which is disappointing. Well now that that’s out of my life, how am I going to spend my days? I have a couple of flimsy ideas but I will make good of them so as to make sure I live a meaningful life from now on. After all, those photos were the driving force in my life. And I think many people are going to lack enthusiasm for life now that they have seen the photos. Office sickness rates are going to skyrocket, businesses are going to close and the JSE will plummet into hell. Minki, what have you done? And I have now heard the photo’s are fake as well. Fuck me.

Jeez Louise…

I stole someone’s credit card over the weekend and was all over the website that hosted these photos like a cheap suit. So basically I got a photo of Amanda with her top off which is good news. Even better news is she has a gun in her hand. But Amanda…oh Amanda…if you really want to see a set of guns come to my place. I may even give you and a friends two tickets to the gun show courtesy of myself and Ron Burgundy. I did 1000 gun curls this morning you know… But really, how is that for a great photo to give you a stellar start to the week? You can always count on me to make your Monday better. I know you can’t count on your office mates. There is always some overly keen prerequisite office wanker who, seeing you are in a shite mood, shouts out so the whole office can hear “Well somebody is suffering from a bad case of the Mondays!” Yeah well you are going to be suffering from a bad case of broken face if you don’t shut your mouth.

Woolworths

Never before have I ever hooked up with so many birds as I have since Woolworths introduced their fantastic food stores a couple of years ago. And the birds I get are filthy as well. They have been running around in the dirt all day and when Woolworths eventually get hold of them they coat them in butter and oil and spit roast them…This is typically a writing ploy that magazines use and it’s cheesy because you knew I was talking about chickens the whole time. That’s why magazines are shit and I’m cool. By the pool. Wearing wool. Picking up a tool. What the fuck am I writing? Anyway.I’m obviously talking about chickens although I hear all this stuff happens to real women as well. Well so I hear via the grapevine…Anyway I was at Woolworths on Friday picking up some stuff when I walked past the cheese section and nearly dropped my load(Another cheap magazine ploy that feature writers use. Funny. If you’re 9 years old. Living in Guam. In a gutter. A gutter full of water) of shopping. There was a fit young woman, maybe late twenties, bending over to get something and all the while flashing her lacy, racy underwear. It was sheer bliss and it put a smile on my face. So I went to the check out counter and she was at the check out next to me. I tried to act real cool. Instead everything went wrong. One of the other check out ladies thought she would help me out by handing my bag full of groceries to me. Now if you have ever tried to get a heavy shopping bag out of someone’s hands without hurting them, you will know it’s impossible. So I tried to be gentle but as I was manhandling the bag out of her hands, my wallet tipped upside down and all my coins fell out. They hit the ground with that sound that bullet shells make when they hit the ground. There were about 15 coins now scattered around the shop and everyone was looking at me like a gimp, including this dream women with the nice underwear. So to the lady who tried to help me give me my bag full of stuff, next time I can do it on my own. Gosh.

Fuck YOU Vodacom!

When in a previous article I said that companies such as Vodacom rip us off, I was spot on. As you may have read I thought I had used up my entire internet for the month by surfing excessively for dirrrty photos. However when I logged onto the Vodacom website I realised they had my threshold had been set at 409 “megs”. That’s 90 “megs” short of what I overpay the fucks for. That’s nearly 20% that they tried to short change me for. So to you Vodacom I’m holding up my middle finger and shouting “Smoke my pole!” in your face. So I thought I would call them and give them a piece of my mind. After waiting for 16 minutes for a consultant, I hung up. This song played over and over again while I waited. It went like this:

“But my love is all I have to give, without you I don’t think I can live” God Vodacom how much more love do you want me to give you? And I actually do think I can live without you. It was a great way to spend a Friday afternoon, sitting on my phone while the radiation signals fry what I have left for a brain. My ear was red and warm after getting off the phone. It can’t be healthy. Well I’m going to try call them again today and I have pulled a few choice words out of the ever expanding “Sean’s Dictionary of Profanities” to use on them. Look I wrote them a letter as well, it’s crazy (I wrote this letter while spending 25 minutes waiting for a consultant on Saturday morning… So I have spent 40 minutes on the phone with still no answer. It makes me such a happy chap when this happens) Well I won’t count on them answering my call today because it’s Monday and we all know everyone at Vodacom plays golf on a Monday.

To: CEO Vodacom SA

From: Sean

Dear fuckhead

I hope your secretary delivered this to you in your nice air conditioned office. I hope she also gave you a nice strong cup of coffee to wake you up, because clearly you have been sleeping a lot of late because your business does not work. You must be sleeping with the CEO of Telkom, because you also seem intent on charging the public ridiculous amounts of money for stuff you don’t deliver. It’s Saturday and while you cruise the Bahamas on a yacht that has been bought with illegal funds, I sit at home like a dog waiting to be fed. I’m waiting for a consultant to answer my call. And by the way if you don’t change the fucking call waiting song I’m going to put a fucking gun in my mouth. I’m guessing this will suit you because I’m tied to a two year contract. So while I will be dead and therefore not using my internet, you will still be charging me for my contract. Where did you learn such stellar business practise? Martha Stewart? Enron? Well of course not, because you taught these bastards all they need to know. I am deliberately going out of my way to make friends with the guys who build Mercedes Benz cars so that when next you order a custom S500, I am going to make sure that it arrives with brakes whose cables will snap at the push of a button on my phone. You’re a fucker. I have been on my phone for 24 minutes. I feel a brain haemorrhage coming on. Anyway enjoy your weekend and I hope you die.

Greatest, stellar, most beautiful regards!

Seano Maximo

Archers Aqua

Yes, it’s something for the ladies. This is Christian Bale looking all creatined up. Contrary to popular belief, his motivation for getting in such good shape was not for American Psycho. Rather, he had seen a photo of me somewhere and apparently his first words were “Who is that bus? That is perfection!” He then got in contact with me and I designed a program for him. However I lost most of my bulk when I started mountain biking. But it’s always good to say to people “I trained Batman” My legacy shall live on forever.

Oh and here is a photo of my personal favourite actress(Well 'cos she's so hot) I tried to get one with more of her kit off but then I had to have a credit card to verify that I'm 18 and stuff. Don't worry I will have them soon, I'm signing up for a Virgin Money "Blingola" credit card as fast as my hands can fill in the form.

It’s the weekend so hear me now…

Well it’s the weekend and the smell of cheap booze fills the air. A couple of things before I let you go on the rampage. I lost sleep thinking of these last night, that’s why I’m up so early, so these things are important.

I will not post anything this weekend

Not because I don’t want to, but because I seem to have used most of my “meg’s” this month looking at unnecessary videos on YouTube (Possibly porn, I can’t remember) So I need to conserve what I have left to get me through the month. If anyone want’s to sponsor me some “meg’s”, get in contact. I have also been spending insane amounts of time looking for those naked photos of Minki van der Westhuizen in the bathtub. I thought I had hit the jackpot when I logged onto 2oceansvibe and they said they had them. However they had them blurred out because I think they are friends with Minki. Fuck. All my dreams shattered right before my eyes. In fact my entire heart is shattered.

Kirstenbosch summer sunset concerts

It’s summer again and these concerts are set to rock. I would book in advance for the big names because it gets quite full. If you don’t know what these concerts are, let me further enlighten you. They are a series of concerts where many famous (And not so famous) bands and singers play live in the Kirstenbosch gardens. You can bring your own drinks and food. They are held on Sundays which is fantastic. Personally I am not too religious but if you are, no need to read further. You see I don’t subscribe to the church mentality of not drinking on a Sunday ( I think they have that rule?) Sundays are deathly boring so these concerts will make them worthwhile again. And another church rule that these concerts will break is the “Shagging on Sunday rule” (I think they have that rule?) Because inevitably people will drink at the concert and end up having mad sex when they get home. So it’s good fun. Well the first concert starts this Sunday. Get on down there and have a tipple (Just don’t tipple and drive because you will tipple your car into a ditch inevitably)

Matrics and varsities are out-Public safety announcement

Therefore there is an array of women out at night and it’s fantastic. Beware though, just because they have just finished school does not make them 18. Therefore it is illegal to…you know. But drugs, drag racing on the streets and stealing stuff are also illegal but so much fun! No I’m serious ask the girls how old they are. And remember if someone is too drunk to stand or talk, then take them home…not to your place…but to theirs and make sure they are safe. Well let’s not bore you anymore with these intricate details. Now go in peace everyone and enjoy it. Respect.

Can the world survive PS3?

I ask this not in a “It’s going to be so fucking awesome!” fashion, but rather in the fashion of “Can the world physically handle this?” You see I believe at any given moment in time there are probably about 10 billion computer nerds hidden in basements across the world. The second last time they surfaced was when PS1 came out. They thought it was alright which meant not all of them went to buy it. When PS2 arrived they heard it was awesome. But fearing the bright light outside would give them sunburn they sent friends and family to go buy it. However with the launch of the PS3 and all the worldwide hype about it, I fear an invasion of computer nerds are going to flood the world. You see at present they don’t bother us normal people because we never see them. But if they all come out at once…pandemonium. It’s like letting every earthworm in the world exit the soil at one time, it will be crazy. Only problem is there are more computer nerds than earthworms. Not to fear though because I have some theories.

Theory 1) These guys are extremely shy and look at lot’s of porn. They never see women. So in all the excitement most of them will have huge woodies and be too embarrassed to go out into the wide world. So this will count most of them out.

Theory 2) Dermatologists don’t make SPF 500. These nerds will have calculated how long they have not been in the sun for, how much is left of the ozone layer and through all of this will realise they need SPF 500 to safely enter the outdoors. Realising they don’t make this, these guys will stay indoors.

Theory 3) They are having sex. Not with a lady, but with the motherboard of their computer. At any given time 90% of these guys are shagging their computers. So when the PS3 is released they will be too busy to buy it.

Theory 4) Tom Cruise is in the “outside world” We all know these fuckers worship Tom Cruise, and they are never allowed to be seen around him, for he is their master. Knowing that Tom Cruise is everywhere promoting his new…no, not movie…but rather his “Zion” (his wife) they are afraid they will bump into him. And if this happens they will be made to jump on a couch for eternity. Which means there will be no time to look at porn, shag computers, and boast that their motherboard is “2 inches bigger than yours, Gabe!” This counts all of these bastards out.

I think it’s safe to say that once again I am a sheer genius. Yes, my name will be spoken of in the same sentence as Ghandi, Mandela, Bob Marley and Will Ferrell one day. So the answer to my above question is “Yes, the world can survive PS3”

Property developers

As if my life were not Tainted (Cheap plug for Plush’s song, you guys owe me if this makes you mega world wide famous) enough by drunk car guards, women who won’t speak to me, women who think I’m a complete fool, over priced everything and studying, then I still have to deal with estate agents and property developers. Well not “deal” with them in a business sense because I have not got to that shitty stage in my life where I have to drop R10 million on a fucking lego house on a 2 square metre property that the estate agent has labelled “Avant Garde” It’s more like “Avant Ghetto” When the estate agent says the house needs TLC you can gather a few things

1) He is new to the area or he has just started out in the business and is getting all the shit houses to sell.

2) He knows nothing about houses (Which is a common trait amongst estate agents)

3) The house is fucked and the only thing you need to do is make sure a wrecking ball flattens it.

You can’t get a decent house these days for a good price. Kids these days may as well give up before they have even started. But kids should not give up on life just yet. Milk your parents for all they are worth while you are still at school because school is fun and you don’t need a job. Get drunk, take drugs, shag and don’t study. Once you finish school and realise there is no hope at living a decent life unless you are the CEO of a business that rips the public off (Read: Telkom, Vodacom) then you may kill yourself. Or you could join a small tribe in the Amazon where you live a self sustainable life off the land. But live through school and even better, varsity, where you will see so many naked, drunk women it’s a joke. Back to the estate agent story. When I walk into a house and an estate agent starts trying to make this shack sound like a 5^th Avenue apartment I get into a rage. I hate estate agents. But even worse…even worse than them and my perennial favourite car guards…the worst actually…are property developers. I love being offered an apartment with the catchline “London style apartment in the heart of the city” A couple of things here:

1) Why the fuck would I want to live in something that resembles London? If I wanted that I would join the other pale, miserable South Africans in that dump

2) Lower Wynberg does not constitute the “heart of the city”. Wynberg constitutes the ass of the city, or lets be nice here, the gall bladder of the city.

The other thing that I hate about them is that they knock down one house and replace it with 7 apartments. If I have kids one day and they live in Cape Town they are going to be living in a miserable 2 square metre apartment because there will be no houses left. Then they charge, oh let’s see, R2 million for these apartments.

Then there are developers who develop offices. Driving down Wynberg main road a while back ( No not to pick up drugs or hookers…I was going to the pharmacy to pick up medication for the side effect of drugs and hookers…jokes I needed face wash.) there was an office block with a sign on it saying “Free telescope” What they meant is that if you buy(or rent I think) office space you get a free telescope. Fucking hell! What on God’s green earth do I need a free telescope for when getting office space? At lunch time are you suddenly going to think “By George, let’s look at fucking Neil Armstrong walking on the moon” What are you honestly going to see from main road Wynberg other than decay, litter and drug peddling? It could come in handy if you park your car far down the road and want to see who is breaking into your car and what they are stealing. I honestly believe estate agents and property developers are the reason this world is going downhill. And I’m spent.

Funny joke VW!

I will never admit to ever having read People magazine. So let’s just say that I was strolling through a friends house the other day and the People magazine was open on the coffee table. That issue happened to have an advert on page 9 for Volkswagen. The advert consisted of various car parts all over the page with words at the top of the page saying “The best part?” Then it continued with the answer of “The price” It then went on to say in smaller print that the Kinsey Report found out by some miracle of God that the VW Polo and CitiGolf have the cheapest parts in their class. Below the VW logo it says “For the love of People’s cars” Fuck that. I’m changing it to “For the love of rich mother fuckers cars”. Let me explain why this advert is a big lie. I formulated a little letter for them. Enjoy.

Dear Volkswagen

How you doing my fuckers? Great, I’m glad that you are sitting reading this letter smoking a big, fat Cuban cigar and drinking a fine glass of champagne. If it was up to me you would be smoking my pole and drinking my piss. I loved your advert saying your cars have the cheapest parts. It was amusing! I have personally forfeited a life of living like a king because your car parts are so fucking expensive. I was quite amused when I walked into your store in Kenilworth a few months ago wanting a new fabric cover for my gear stick. You guys would have handed it over in exchange for about R800. So cheap! Whoever the people are who do the Kinsey report they must be addicted to Tik. I can get two brand new Pirelli tyres for a little over what you wanted for a gear stick cover. Instead of spending the R800 on a gear stick cover I sent my car in for a service. The gear stick is riding smoothly now. You guys can ride the gear knob if you want, you fucks. While I was in the shop I heard some lady wanting to buy a new rear view mirror for her Volkswagen. I may have heard incorrectly but I heard they wanted R2200 for the mirror. That is mere pocket change to us mere mortals! I’m surprised they don’t charge you R150 for the complimentary coffee while you wait for a test drive. Anyway I hope the money you are making from these parts is affording you all sorts of luxuries such as personal gimp and a kid who for $1 a day fans you with a banana leaf while you sip on the finest Cognac. I hope your brakes and airbags fail catastrophically while you take a dangerous bend on Chapmans Peak one stormy night when no one else is on the roads. Well I wish you luck for the future and I hope business goes as fraudulently as it has for the past million fucking years.

Regards

Your Most Loyal Customer!

Sean

In an effort to make golf a better game for young people I conveniently formulated a letter to send to golf club managers around my fine land. Sheer genius from me once again.

Dear Club Manager

We all reach middle age and realize that the time has come for a makeover. Maybe a wardrobe makeover, a makeover on our hair or an entire body makeover. Golf is a sport that has been around for a very long time and it is getting old, grumpy and slow. Just like some of the people who play it. Golf moves at a deathly pace and you can gauge this by the suicidal monotone voices of golf commentators. They speak as though they have been administered an elephant tranquilizer with their jungle oats that morning. They talk about the weather, the history of the sport and sometimes they even talk of things we don’t know about. They basically state the obvious and seem bored with their jobs. If the ball goes in the hole they say “Brilliant shot!” If it lands near the hole they say “He should be able to one putt it from there” If it goes in the bunker they say “He is in a spot of bother there” Clearly they are bored because the sport is bored. We need to put the “go” back in golf. It’s time to change the dreary image of the sport. Here are some ideas to start with.

We could start with the members of golf courses. Their sense of humours clearly got lost during the great depression and they have no time for us young people. We are the future, without us golf will be nothing, nothing! The older members should be grateful when we arrive because we are paying to play at these courses and by doing this we are keeping them running. And why do the members complain when I get to the 19^th hole and sink ten draughts? Yes I do get a little rowdy from time to time and I have been known to take certain items of clothing off. But I have paid for those ten pints and for that the club should be grateful. I am putting South African money into their accounts. Another thing they need to change is the warning call for when someone is about to be knocked out by a ball traveling at 200km/hr. At the moment they shout “Fore!” Being a drunken student this takes time to register in my brain and when it eventually does, I jokingly shout “Five” before being cleaned off my feet by a white ball covered in dimples. For a warning to really catch someone’s attention it should contain at least three swear words, and that’s the truth. And the ball makers should put dimples on only one half of the ball to spice things up a little bit. Every time you hit the ball it will be unpredictable. We will have to re-learn to play the game of golf and this will put interest back in the sport. Besides variety is the spice of life and golf needs a bit of hot Bombay chilli to get it going. And the rule that forbids us from using cell phones? By the hammer of Thor, this is so outdated it is unbelievable. What if a rather striking young lass I met the previous week is calling me to see if I want to go out with her? If I don’t take that call she might give up on me because she thinks that by me not taking her call I am not interested in her lovely form. I could lose out on a soul mate so let’s scrap the “no answering of phones while playing” rule. And what’s with the current crop of golf cars? They seem to be powered by solar panels. Let’s get BMW on the job to put some petrol drinking, oil burning, global warming, over priced engines into them to give them a little more speed and flair. That way we can play 18 holes of golf in the time it would normally take to play 9 holes. Time is money these days so we cannot waste it. This would obviously lead to more injuries on the golf course but golfers who are walking around should then be warned to watch out for these golf course hogs crossing the fairway rather dangerously. And by the beard of Zeus, the days of real lawn are over. Why bother watering real lawn when for a large sum of money we could invest in some hockey style Astro-Turf. Yes the new golf carts and Astro-Turf will cost a fair amount but this will be paid for easily once the young people start frequenting the 19^th hole and start spending obscene amounts of money on various alcoholic beverages. Besides, with the new lawn the balls will roll better, it is always green and needs no mowing. And every box where we tee off from should also have a vending machine filled with beer, whiskey and and some more whiskey. Because golf is a tiresome sport so we need to quench our thirst every hole. Dehydration is a very serious problem for even the most physically fit being. We also need vital carbohydrates for energy so that we can keep our focus. Beer is actually a wonder drink for golf. It provides carbohydrates for energy, water for hydration and alcohol to calm our nerves. By the end of the second hole my nerves are usually shot and I just want to attack everything that moves across my visionary field. Beer will help. Fashion is an amazing thing but the golf world does not have fashion in its dictionary. I mean Great Odens Raven, the bland shirt and khaki pant look is definitely not a good look. Get somebody like Tom Ford from Gucci in to help with the design of next seasons golf wear. Or we could go local and get Craig Native to design some wicked golfer wear with an edge. A couple more young lady members would be a rather nice addition as well. Put out adverts saying something like this “Free earrings/ring/hair clip with every ladies membership taken out from now on” Girls love that crap. Then tell them that a whole crop of strapping young lads have recently joined the club and they look remarkably like Achilles from Troy. Girls will immediately think of Brad Pitt in Troy and flock to sign their membership forms without even looking at the membership fees.

This increase in membership of young people will mean more fun and more money and will carry golf way into the future and make it the most desired sport in the world. Golf will go on to be the sport of warriors, trojans, gladiators and titans the world over! We want to get a petition going and are looking for club managers to join in to this petition which sets out to change the face of golf for the better. If you are interested you can write back to me. Even just write back to view your thoughts on my ideas, whether they are good, bad or just plain stupid.

Yours sincerely

The Honourable Sean Lloyd

Just like Paris

When I first saw the thumbnail of this photo I thought “Oh you fucking with me! Paris has been caught again on camera…” This is actually Nicole Richie in a similar pose that Paris has been in with nearly every guy in L.A. But Nicole is blowing out candles on a cake. Either that or she is vomiting at the sight of food…

Fucking lazy hey?

As a human race, how pathetic are we? How lazy can we possibly get? Well it seems we are lazier and more pathetic than we might think. Take the simple situation of parking your car. I am always at a total loss for words when I go to shopping centres. Watching people trying to find parking at Cavendish is like comedy central. People will drive and try to find parking on the first level right outside the entrance doors. Failing that they actually go up one level just to try find parking outside the doors at level 2. Now level 1 has plenty of parking but they don’t want to have to walk. Now I cruise in, park on level 1 far from the doors and use my legs that I was born with and I walk. I walk like a normal human being. Some people will spend 10 minutes looking for a parking spot just so they can save themselves a 50 metre walk. These are the exact same people who will then walk around the entire shopping centre 10 times which equals a fair amount of walking. But they refuse to park anywhere but right outside the doors. These are also the people who get to an escalator that is not working and try to figure out what is wrong. They look at it and realise it is not working and then try and comprehend the fact that they will actually have to walk up the escalator. You can see the puzzled expressions on their faces. Beads of sweat gather around their brows, they say a little prayer and begin the 15 metre walk. You would swear that they were trying to bash through the gates of hell the way they approach a non working escalator. Then there are elevators. I have been into three story buildings where they have elevators. Now this is fine because it caters for disabled people. But when I see an able bodied person enter these I think “Mother of God, where do these people come from?” Do you honestly need a fucking machine to take you one floor up? What has happened in your life that makes you so lazy, so pathetic and just so damn irritating? No wonder people are the size of houses. No wonder disease ravages the human race. No wonder people are dying young. We are not doing anything to better ourselves. We are not digging our own graves. We are too lazy for that. We are standing around while our graves are being dug right below our feet. Which is convenient because then we can just fall in. It saves other people from having to carry us in.

Crazy punk kids

Every time I hit the night clubs these days I am shocked. When I was younger I would never ever have thought of drinking and smoking and going out to clubs. I was sitting at home doing my homework on a Friday night like a respectable kid should! The other night I was out and there were some little kids in Tin Roof and I thought “Cool field trips kids go on these days” I remember going to some shitty museum and looking at stuff that no one in the world even cares about. But those field trips made me the man I am today. So anyway these kids were running around Tin Roof and while I was trying to figure out what school they were from one of them went to the bar. I felt sorry for her because I knew they did not serve milk. Then my eyes widened, my jaw dropped to the floor and I felt my stomach knot up. I heard a faint murmur from this girl saying “Four tequilas”. I quickly blew this off realising that she MUST have said “Four tortillas” I mean this is an honest mistake from a young child on a field trip because she probably did not realise that bars don’t serve food. I strolled around a little longer trying to put the vibe out which did not work. I had some greasy, old, scary looking guy who kept on standing right behind me and he was freaking me out a little bit. The vibe I was attempting to put out was supposed to attract “Hot, young, fit blonde model”. Instead it all went wrong and I was attracting a dodgy Michael Jackson type. So I kept my eyes on these young girls because I was worried for young kids safety in a club like this because I could still not see their teacher. Next thing I knew four shot glasses were lined up on the table and these girls were knocking them back like juice. The tallest girl held up four little fingers. I thought maybe this was a surrender sign, knowing that what she had just done was wrong. But the barmen just poured another four. “Good God” I thought, what has happened to our kids these days! I wondered why they were not at home doing normal things like having sleep overs and eating junk food. Or maybe even playing with Ken and Barbie. But no, here they were throwing back tequilas, hooking up random people and acting all slutty. Nice. No seriously I’m shocked at kids these days.

It’s a fraud!

Look I’m no CSI person when it comes to spotting real and fake photos but this one was too easy. Nobody in the media world has spotted this but I have. This photo (Which was conveniently taken again from www.news24.com) is a lie. There is no possible way that Tom Cruise is taller than Katie Holmes! If you look at the photo you will see Tom is marginally taller. It’s either been photo shopped or Tom is standing on a Toyota Land Cruiser. I don’t know if I should post this on the net because I know Tom will get his people to contact my people and make sure I never work in this town again. Don’t worry Tom I never work anyway.

First view this morning

So I finished exams yesterday and I thought it would be cool to go out and see all my friends. You know meet up for a whiskey or 10. After contacting them I realised they were all going to a birthday party and I was not invited. Never one to cry about these things I thought I would brave the nightclubs by myself. So I cruised around town looking for the club where the hottest most down to earth women would be. Anyway after quietly having a drink in the corner at Hemisphere I was approached by a rather beautiful looking girl. The first words that came out of her mouth sounded like sheer poetry. It felt like a cool breeze was blowing over me. I realised that she was Brazilian right away. So I played it cool when she asked what I do. I thought "No point lying to this girl" I told her I'm studying and when I'm not studying I'm watching TV. Expecting for her to leave right away I was shocked when she said "You are sexy man!" I asked her name. "Bundchen, Gisele Bundchen" she said ever so smoothly. I then asked what she does for a living. "I model underwear" she said in her bedroom voice. I was shocked, my friends can stay at their party, this is my night! So we sat at the bar and chatted for many an hour while sipping on the finest whiskeys. Eventually I was utterly legless and could not see properly without closing one eye. I actually thought Gisele was trying to get me drunk to take advantage of me. Because it would have been tough to get me to take her home without my beer goggles on. SO TOUGH! I would never take such a girl home sober. Anyway we decided to leave the common people at the bar and went to my car. She said "No take mine, and take me while you are at it!" The excitement had overcome me and so I got into her Mercedes SL500 and drove off into the dark of the city night. I remember nothing from then on. This Gisele definately drugged me and took advantage of my legless state I was in. I know all of this because when I woke up this morning this was the first sight I saw(See photo above) Gisele said "Take sexy photo of me!" So I did. Well it's a bit difficult to take an unsexy photo of her. She told me this morning that she is here with her friends Karolina and Adriana. So I'm warning people in the Cape Town area to watch out for these girls because they are taking advantage of innocent young men like myself and this should not be tolerated. Can anybody actually verify whether this Gisele Bundchen actually models? I think she just wants me for my money. Anyway I will keep you posted. I have to go now Gisele says she is stuck in the bath naked. I'd rather be reading my book than trying to get her out of the fucking bath to be honest. Ha...models.

Stop press

The earth will cease to rotate on its axis, Elvis will win a game of bingo in Las Vegas and the stock market will crash for an eternity. Religions will cease to exist and the threat of aliens taking over the world will eclipse any problem the world has ever seen before. Tom Cruise is getting married. I now declare a moments silence for Katie Holmes. Say goodbye to your life! But apparently if they do divorce she receives $3 million per year they were married up until 11 years of marriage. Apparently after that she get’s half of his fortune. HANG IN THERE LITTLE TYKE! Think about it, divorce the 1ft2in actor in the twelfth year and you are LOADED! Half of Tom’s fortune, that’s like an entire stock exchange you will get. But until then you are fucked. The next 11 years you are not going to be allowed to speak until spoken to, you shall bow down to that Ron Hubbard dude and make soup out of aliens to give you “Otherworldly strength” and to protect you from bird flu. From this moment on Katie you are not governed by laws that govern us poor people. You are governed by the Tominator! Every evening before bed you will be made to jump on a couch which will be your daily exercise. You must eat lava from Mount Vesuvius to obey your religions laws. You will not smoke pot, drink alcohol or schnaaf cocaine. Yes you were innocent in Dawsons Creek but I heard of those crazy drug fuelled sex parties. From now on you are Tom’s bee-atch and you will follow him.Never walk in front of him because then people can’t see him. But yeah I know things are looking bleak but it’s only 11 years. Some people steal millions of dollars and go to prison for 30 years but when they come out and pick up their hidden stash of cash they say “By George it was worth it!” And so you will utter this line one day Katie. Go in peace. The photo above from www.news24.com was actually taken while Tom was walking on stilts. And he's still shorter than Katie...

What if…

Still being shocked at how shit the people are that work at People magazine I thought to myself...what if? What if I were the editor of such a gossip fuelled tirade of crap? Who would be the sexiest man alive on my list? Granted I am a guy and only woman probably choose this list but I think I can judge good looks when I see them. This photo of Kris Kristofferson(www.kriskristofferson.com) cements his place at number 2 on my list, obviously below Nick "The lady slayer" Nolte. Look at his thousand mile stare, his hair blowing gently in the wind, his eyes piercing every ladies soul on the planet and saying "I'm gonna wine you, dine you, then 69 you!" If a women was stranded in the desert and she was confronted by this sight and that of a huge oasis, she would go to the Kris. He may not provide water to this helpless lass, but would you not want to spend your last moments with People magazines number 2 man? Well I guess you would rather spend it with Nick but if he was unavailable then Kris would obviously be the choice over water and a nice pineapple to eat. I don't know how People magazine can run their sexiest man alive competition ever again once word get's out of my list.

Dr Phil makes me want to overdose on a poison pill

I don’t know if you have ever heard Jamie Oliver talk about mushy peas(Actually he says “Moosy peez”), but I have. Now this is exactly what talk shows are. They are mushy, sloppy, pathetic cauldrons of bubbling insecurity boiling up right on your TV screen. If you have ever taken time out to watch them you will know what I speak of. People with problems come on these shows and tell the host what their problems are. Now usually it is Dr Phil they are speaking to. So they say “I’m a big ass overweight bitch and it’s ruining my life! Help me Dr Phil!” Then Dr Phil goes into a lengthy discussion on the behavioural factors behind excessive binge eating. Basically he says “Well now. Eating is a basic human thing. But for people like you eating is a comforting thing. You take comfort in eating because it makes you feel good. You know it is making you fucking huge but while you are eating you forget about this. Now I am not a dietician but I know the key to weight loss is eating less and exercising more. I am, after the show, going to refer you to an in house dietician who is going to help you along this path to a better body” Then the fat person gets tears in their eyes, the crowd applauds Dr Phil (For reasons no one knows), everyone feels better about themselves and they go have a big sex party afterwards at Dr Phil’s palace of sweet loving. But these shows are bullshit. Anybody can be a Dr Phil. When you really listen to what he is saying it is actually very simple. You don’t need to be a doctor to say the things he does. And yet he makes millions of dollars for dispensing advice anybody can give you. It never ceases to amaze me how some people become rich. It’s just so fucking unfair. Fuck you Dr Phil (I bet his comment to this will be: Well now. By using the f word it tells me you had a disturbed childhood. You have deeper issues to resolve. Now I am not a psychologist but I am going to offer you the services of our in house psychologist…etc) Fuck off Dr Phil, I am a doctor. I can even self medicate myself. I have this great “Cure all” potion. It’s called Jack Daniels. You just drink the whole bottle and all the worlds’ problems are solved. And it’s only R120 and none of the profit goes to the building of your new mansion in Los Angeles. By the way if you want to know what depression feels like visit Dr Phil’s website and read some of the articles. With titles such as “Today’s show: When eating disorders turn deadly” and “New Year’s resolution: Change your jerk husband?” it is bound to make you want to swallow that rat poison in the cupboard. The cheesy photo of Dr Phil is courtesy of his even cheesier website:www.drphil.com

Motorcade, SA style

A while ago I was cruising the streets of Cape Town in my CitiGolf VR3 and I heard this huge ruckus behind me. I heard sirens and I saw cars with blacked out windows racing up behind me. Their lights were flashing and a couple of things ran through my head. The first thought was “Sweet Jesus the apocalypse is coming!” That thought quickly changed into “Oh fuck it’s the Bin Laden!” This then changed into “Cool Tom Cruise is here to save South Africa from our health minister!” Then I thought “Oh shit they know where I hide my weed. Tucked under the chassis…” It turned out that none of this was true but rather it was some stupid fucking cabinet minister or minister of something getting a police escort through the city. You see in South Africa we have a minister for everything. A minister for pavement rehabilitation, which is not to be confused with a minister of road works. I don’t use capital letters for these peoples jobs because I don’t think they warrant it. Anything you can name in South Africa probably has a minister. And they all think they are President fucking Nixon. They get police escorts to the office, to the gym and to McDonalds. The fact is that the majority of the South African public don’t give a fuck who they are. We just wish they would piss off because they don’t do any work anyway and we just end up paying their salary. They are all dumb as shit, can’t spell their names and do no work. And even if they were important and some sniper was going to shoot at their car on their way to get a manicure, the best way to travel unnoticed is to go quietly. The easiest way to be spotted is to cause a huge noise that will wake the dead and make them spin like lathes in their graves. Personally I think it’s unnecessary not to mention it scares the hell out of me. Look at our health minister who thinks beetroot will bring you back from the dead, cure every disease on the planet, prevent global warming and provide you with a salary and make your coffee. Does this waste of taxpayers’ money deserve a police escort? No. She deserves to drive a Toyota Tazz with no air conditioner and flat tyres. She deserves to thrown into a lion cage with nothing but her garlic, beetroot and olive oil to protect her. There we have it, my plan for a better future for SA. You heard it here first.

Sexiest Man Alive

Once again People magazine has named it's "Sexiest Man Alive" and once again this morning I fell off my chair spilling hot chocolate all over myself. But today hot chocolate was even spewing out of my nose. Brutal. Not only was I shocked that I was not at the top pf the list but when I realised that some dude with grey hair was on the list I was stunned! Look I have never thought too highly of the local people magazine but I think even less of the international one. Clearly the people who work there sway to the lesbian side of things because they have absolutely no idea of what good looking is. I mean look at the photo of George Clooney(Thanks to www.news24.com) It's terrible. His hair is neatly gelled, he is wearing some sort of a suit, he is sober and he is smiling! What do women see in this? If I were female and were looking for the sexiest man alive I would not even have to think twice over who I would choose. He would eclipse Brad Pitt and be the only man to ever be named "Sexiest Man Alive" every year since the competition started. No I'm not talking about myself, I'm talking about the enigmatic Nick Nolte(Photo courtesy of www.thesmokinggun.com). Just look at him. He looks like he just came from an Armani shoot. Hair looking like an electric cable has just fallen onto him. Skin as booze red as a cherry tomatoe. A look on his face saying "I don't know who the fuck I am. The last thing I remember is swigging tequila with some sombrero wearing, taco eating guys waiting to jump the border." Come on ladies, don't you want to marry someone like that one day? I know you do. Your parents would be so proud. And look at his slick choice of clothing. It's sort of runway/surfer boy and screams "I can go from a day at the beach to a fine restaurant where I will wine and dine you and then take you back to my place where we can enter the love palace...Then I will be too drunk to remember who you are and possibly vomit and then fall out the bathroom window, killing myself and ending the People magazines "Sexiest Man Alive" campaign" Nick Nolte also has a look about him that says "I'm seriously famous but I don't care about looks and money" Is that not the exact type of husband your mother would want for you? You bet it is! So I'm calling Donald Trump now and I'm telling him to walk in to the offices of People magazine to tell the whole editorial team "You're fired" And Nick Nolte is hired.

Pool boy for hire

Ok this is not as cool as the photo of Gina but I have to do it. In an effort to earn money my friend Jerry will be hiring himself out as a pool boy to rich mom's preferably from the Bishopscourt/Constantia area in Cape Town. You see, to keep up his excessive lifestyle he needs excessive amounts of money. And at least he won't ask me for money then. He will also fly across the world to clean pools if the money is right. He hates normal jobs so he thought this will be cool. Oh the things I do to help my mates out...

She was actually married!

Yes I know that's not news or anything but I'm just so shocked this sweet lass was married. The reason for today's photos is that I write my last exam on Friday which I refuse to study for. So while everybody fries their brains studying I'm crusing the net looking for hot photos. This comes courtesy of www.fhm.co.za How would the world carry on without FHM photo shoots and Swimwear shoots? I don't think it could carry on. The other thing that shocks me is that Gina Athans is South African. I know SA girls are hot but by the beard of Zeus, she looks like blue from Old School: That is glorious, not old and wrinkly. Gina now that you've divorced that short rich guy, come on over to Cape Town and visit. I'm sure you're close to my age, probably have more money than I know actually exists and I will probably be too nervous to even stand around you. But maybe...just maybe we will get along. You know... the whole opposites attract thing. Don't worry I will pay your bills and everything. Ok maybe not quite but anyhow. I'm speechless and have lost the use of my legs. Time to go now. Thanks FHM, you guys should have bronze plaques put up all over the country to honour your work. Nice stuff

Champion start to the day!

The first thing I did when I saw these fantastic photo's of Candice Boucher(The girl whose nipples are visible) and Catrinel Menghia was shout "Mother of God" I then fell off my chair spilling hot chocolate all over myself. It was scolding hot but it was worth it. These photo's come courtesy of www.siswimwear.co.za and they are glorious. It's unbelievable that Catrinel is only 21 years old, that's my age! So Catrinel if you reading this just click on my profile, find my details and call me. She says to keep in shape she works out for two hours every day. Any girl who does that is a keeper in my books. Ok well I must stop typing because I'm starting to drool all over my keyboard and it's getting damaged. Oh wait and now for the Archers Aqua moment- something for the ladies. That is a photo of Lance Armstrong and Matthew McConaughey. Apparently they are famous. The Lance guy used to do some ride around France every year, I don't know why people make such a fuss of him. Matthew is somewhat of an actor apparently. Yeah that's what they all say. He's probably just a waiter in Hollywood.

Why Cape Town restaurant’s suck

I don’t really go to restaurants or eat out because it’s not my style and I hate paying R50 for a stupid piece of chicken when I can make it myself for like R10. But this is why Cape Town restaurant’s suck (Ok this is actually only referring to the ones along the beach…you know Camps Bay style)

No one eats

When you go to these places everyone sit’s around moving their pieces of lettuce and brown rice around the plate. They then toss some of it to the seagulls and order more champagne. Their meal cost R200 and all they achieved with it was convincing the seagulls what shit food humans eat. But the point here is that these people go to these places to be seen. Although through their Dior and Armani sunglasses it is difficult to see who these people are because their glasses shield their whole faces. Right down to the neck

It’s depressing

If you really want to go to these places for the experience, you will realise what a shit experience it is unless you are rich. You may have saved a bit of cash to go to one of these restaurants but the locals will sniff you out and you will be stared at. Just don’t get freaked out when a skeleton is staring at you. That’s just a model losing weight for the summer season. She will eat a broccoli floret when she get’s some work. This will give her enough energy to get to the shoot. Cocaine and champagne will get her through the shoot. But basically these places are full of superficial people with no real lives. These restaurants are tainted by the smell of botox, drugs and fucking miff French perfume that burns the nostrils. So give them a skip.

No one speaks

People are afraid to speak because speaking causes premature wrinkles. That, and their lives are so boring they have nothing to speak about. And they are trying to eaves drop on other people’s conversations to hear the latest gossip on who is the skinniest for the summer season. It’s not unusual to hear girls saying “Oh my God I’m so fat. I’m like 32 kg’s you know. I need to switch to the no calorie diet. I hear Heidi is, like, 22 kg’s. She’s my hero. But she’s a whore” However when these people do speak it’s loud so everyone can hear. “Oh my God Sharon is such a whore for sleeping with my husband I want to vomit” You want to vomit anyway, honey. Because you are inevitably fat. Or the other conversation “Yeah I just bought property in the Bahama’s” To which the trophy wife replies “Oh but honey that’s not important I love your personality and your disgusting belly and greasy hair. I’m so in love” Yeah until Flavio get’s busted on money laundering charges. From being all over him like a cheap suit you suddenly avoid him like K-Fed and the plague.

Three reason’s why gyms can fuck off

There is a reason for the random photo’s…read on

They are filthy

That humble bike you pedal at gym is filthier than a small town’s petrol station pie. Can you imagine how much ass has been all over that bike? Granted if you live in Town and visit the Gardens Virgin Active it’s going to be all super fit model ass so it’s alright. But the other gyms are inhabited by nasty fat guys and even nastier old women. Would you let 10000 people ride your bike and sweat all over it? I wouldn’t. Would Lance have won the Tour 7 times if an old guy had planted his sweaty ass all over his saddle and then sweated all over the grips and on the frame? No because he would have got athletes body (not foot) and died.

They resemble cheap porn films

There are many images that will never leave my mind. Like seeing two fucking hot models at Clifton last year tanning topless. It was one of those days where I had to tan my back only. What made it better was it was only myself and my friend Charlie at the beach because everyone else had decided not to go. I chuckled when I realised what they were missing. Another horrendous sight was also courtesy of Clifton when we were minding our own business, checking out the hot model ass on the beach. Then suddenly as if God was punishing us for staring so openly at these hot women, a horror show appeared next to us. An old guy and his wife arrived and of all the places to sit on the beach, they sat next to us. She tanned her “hang tette”(hanging tits) and he sat there, in a G-String. Mother of God, Earl was right about Karma. Do bad things and bad things will come to you. I must have done a shit load wrong to deserve that. But possibly the nastiest sight was courtesy of Virgin Active in Claremont. A woman, I’d guess in her fifties, ugly as sin, arrived in one of those tight body suit leotard things. Over this was this G-String thing that went over her shoulders like braces. Seeing this fucking purple G-String riding up her ass almost made me return to Church on Sundays. Almost, but not quite. Then there was the other guy who used to arrive at gym and just stare at himself in the mirror the whole time. He had a torn T-shirt on but you could see it was purposefully torn and not naturally worn. He would find the heaviest weight, do two or three reps of it then put it down screaming and stare at himself in amazement for the next 30 minutes. What a wanker. The changing rooms are nightmares in themselves. You walk in there and old guys stare at you like you are a piece of meat. If cops really want to catch paedophiles I can tell you where they are. Gym changing rooms.

They are mind numbing

I could think of nothing more boring than wasting an hour of my day aimlessly lifting weights. Yes it’s all well and good to want to look like Mr Mens Health but do you ever see any of these gym bunnies with girls? No because they never get out of the gym and have no social skills. This is a mock conversation between a weight lifter and a girl

Weight lifter: So you come here often

Girl: Yeah kind of

WL: Oh ok

Silence

WL: I only come here when I’m not at gym

G:Oh cool

WL: Yeah I could probably bench press you ha ha ha! I ate four chickens today ha ha ha!

G: Oh I’m vegetarian

WL: Oh so you throw up after meals as well?

G: No I don’t eat meat

WL: Oh I thought you meant something else. I throw up after some meals to get ultra ripped for shows.

G: Ok I must go now.

WL: Do you want to fuck me?

G: Excuse me?

WL: Well we talked, so now you sleep with me.

G: Fuck you freak

WL: You can come back to my place for creatine sandwich and Testosterox tablets! We can drink badger milk and make love!

G: Bouncer get this freak away.

So you see weights will not make you more intelligent or get you a hot girlfriend. But it will shrink your balls. Now that sucks. Plus by not going to gym you save membership fees. If you really want to get fit and have fun then do something with your mates. Just look at me and my mate Mike on Lions Head in the photo’s above. Fun times indeed.

Number one blog in the world

In another shameless plug at self promotion I hope that by using this headline, my blog will be at the top of the Google listing when people are looking for the top blogs. It won't work but it's worth trying. But if it does an unnaturally high number of people will visit The Village Idiot, propelling me in to the blogging hall of fame. I will then go on to have an acting career, I will marry a supermodel and die in a foggy drug induced haze. That would be awesome. Until then I just need more people reading this shit I write, other than myself and weird people who have nothing better to do.

Kelloggs Special K= Special Kak

Yes I know you should never say bad things about women and their weight. But this is nothing specific so here goes. I'm probably going to get in a whole load of shit for this but I have nothing to lose because: I am always in the shit anyway
Chicks don't dig me a whole lot anyway

But there are those advert's on television advertising Vitalinea and how it tastes so good without all the fat of other desserts and all the other advertising bullshit. Now every woman is going to fall for this trick and go out and buy Vitalinea yoghurt and eat it by the bucketful. Then they will eat a bag of chips and have a chocolate pudding to reward themselves. And then they get fucked out drunk on the weekend and in the process of drinking all those sugary-sweet-miff-Kool-Aid alcoholic drinks they drink, they drink the equivalent of 100 teaspoons of sugar. Then they wonder why their yoghurt is not making them thin. So they ditch the yoghurt and switch to "Kelloggs Special K" The advert says you can lose something like 2kg's in 2 weeks. But that's because the plan advocates that you eat Special K in the morning and then again for lunch or dinner. Christ if that's all you eating of course you going to lose weight. If all you ate every day was 2 McDonald's burgers you would also lose weight. Not to mention the fact that Special K tastes Special Kak. A taste sensation of lightly boiled sand and carb free and fat free rice grains. What ever happened to going to gym? Because then you can pretty much eat what you like. What happened to eating real food not these fucking processed bars claiming only "90 calories a bar" Well fuck if you want to live on 500 calories a day then good luck to you. Seriously if I had to follow the Special K plan I would be anorexic at the start of the second week. By the end of the second week I would be dead. Special Kiss my ass.

Oh yes if you ever doubted the quality of the editor of The Village Idiot then look no further. This is the front page of the website www.reporter.co.za a little while back and there I am gracing the front page in all my glory. The article entitled "Where's the R50000 for my old car?" is also written by myself. Click on the reporter link and in the search engine on the website type "Sean Lloyd" and all my other articles will be shown. You probably don't want to read them but there is nothing like a little bit of shameless self promotion. Realise