Tuesday, now that was good times

Shit, Tuesday was off the hook! In between being the greatest writer that has ever lived, I help people out when I need to. Or shall I say want to. Now this topic is very sensitive, being an Embassy and shit. So no names will be mentioned. Don't want the special forces busting down my door.

So I was asked if I could take time out of my busy schedule to serve food at the Embassy(Oooooh which one? Can't say. Is the suspense eating you up inside?). Now usually I would turn such menial work down, but this offer was too good. I thought I would write about it and it would make a great article. And by George it did!

So we rolled in there at 5pm, me all dapper in a black pant, white shirt, chest all oiled up, and we were met by a security guard at the gate. Then we parked the car inside, and this guard made us open the bonnet so he could check if anything was in there. Then he checked under the car with a mirror to see if anything was there. Personally I don't hide my gimps and migrant Thai workers under the car, but rather in the boot. And guess what? He did not check the boot! How nuts is that? Jesus, I could have been hiding an atomic Thai boy in the boot. Thank the pope he did not check my pockets, because my tik bulbs were rattling in there like mother fuckers. So then we made our way up the driveway, myself and two girls(Pimp pimp), and we were met by another three security guards. I was beginning to feel like this was the Fort Knox my parents told me about.

Then we started serving food and drinks and shit, and I could not help but think that these people were too bizarre for words! I saw Tony Leon(Shorty) and Patricia de Lille('Lil Trish, as I like to call her) arbing about, showing face. I would have taken photos if it were not for the fact that there were about 5 dudes cruising around looking way out of place, so I knew they were bodyguards. I spoke to the house lady and she pointed out a bodyguard, who looked totally out of place. As though he had never been in a social situation before. He could easily have been mistaken for a wrongfully invited guest.

Then, to make matters worse, the one guy who I was sure was a bodyguard(Side note: Due to the immense size of my chest, I was mistaken for a bodyguard once or twice in the evening) kept on asking for more food. I was like “Listen fucker, you not allowed to eat, just stand there and do your job, fool!” Then some dude who looked rather stupid, takes this food that I was serving. It was like salmon and cream cheese in half a baby potatoe. Now a potato is hard to mistake for anything really. It does not look like anything, but a fucking potatoe. So he says “Is this potatoe?” Jesus H Christ, no, it's a watermelon. What do you think it is? DONT BE STUPID YOUR WHOLE LIFE! I was so dumbfounded by this, that I said nothing. How do you reply to this? A good reply would have been to kick him in the chops and tell him to get a high school education before he starts to mingle in these Embassy circles.

Another fine specimen was this Chinese dude who, for the first 10 minutes or so, stood by himself, declining food and just chilling by himself, probably kicking some pick up lines around in his head. What a homeboy. Then later on I nearly coughed up the sushi that I was stealing when I saw him chatting to an A-class lady. She was amazing. Granted, the other guests were lank old, and this may have put her in a good light. Imagine how hot she must have looked in a badly lit situation, ha ha ha! Maybe a bag of Simba chips over her head! Ok...that was a weird moment right there. Sorry. Apologies all around. But this girl was there with what seemed like her sister, and funny enough the last time I worked at an Embassy, I somehow recall seeing these two. I need to start mixing in embassy circles more often. If it were not for the fact that they were so fucking boring, I'm sure we would have all given them a run for their money.

If they had the slightest bit of personality, I have no doubt they would have spent the better part of the night in the bathroom, sandwiched between the Chinese guy and...well, quite possibly me. Alrighty then. Odd behaviour from me.

No but seriously, I immediately knew they were embassy types because not even my dashing good looks, and my easy swagger, could impress them. I was definitely putting the right vibe out, because I just felt it. No, I'm going to go so far as to say that I looked fucking hot. And not even a glimpse from them. Mind you, many a lady has looked me in the eyes and fallen completely in love, only for me to dust them off. Maybe these ladies wanted to avoid disappointment. Sorry ladies, so many of you, only one of me(I would have said little...but we don't want any ambiguity entering in on this topic)

Then there are the usual pompous pricks who attend these things. They sit there, not smiling, generally looking like the back end of fucking Horse Chestnut, and making complete tools of themselves just by being there. Fuck, unborn children have more personality. They don't eat, don't drink, don't talk. What in Chucks name are you doing, wasting the precious oxygen on this planet. Piss off already.

Everyone was wearing a suit as well, what tools. If it were me, I'd like to kick it back to the old school with my Diesel Jeans, Nike Dunk Low shoes and maybe my Woolworths W Collection cotton striped shirt. Throw in my Diesel watch and we are good to go to a party to pick up ho's. These people looked like they were ready for a funeral. Fascinating. Intriguing. Marvellous

I have just taken a look over this article and the swearing is fucking excessive. Sorry but it's 11:09pm and I only got back a little while ago, so emotions are high, I'm looking dead sexy and I will write the rest of this tomorrow. I'm going to kick back for an hour and then watch Conan 'O Brien, my inspiration, my hero, my father. Yes, my father. I never believed the whole postman story anyway.

Ok, I'm back. It's Wednesday evening, 20:19, and I'm ready to finish this article. Not much to say really, because it was stellar.

Oh forgot to mention the napkins I got. They look beautiful. They have the whole emblem on them and shit. Currently I am using them to wipe my snotty nose with. They have a multitude of uses. I could use them to wipe excess oil from my bike chain, use them as a bib when eating, pick up the dead bits of hookers that litter my house. Shit, these things are handy.

Righty-oh-then. That's all my stupendous ones, go back to your work, piss the boss off, spread the word about SLXS, nominate me in the blog awards and together, I have no doubt, we will take over the world. Today Cape Town, tomorrow...Helsinki! Or Yemen!

And remember, a quote from my mate Jerry D “Take it easy. And if it's easy take it home”

Now go rest.

You need it.

One more thing. I was watching a rally on TV today, and thought about a fun rumour to spread. Because these guys are the toughest guys on the planet, I thought we should start a rumour about them. Let's start a rumour about Petter Solberg. I say me tell everyone that he is so tough, he eats his gearbox after every race, genius! Hurry up, spread the word!

Currently we are listening to Lenny Kravits “Fly Away” And I have no doubt that if you are in an office right now, that's exactly what you will want to do on such a fine summers day. The pool awaits me. Mmmm... now where is that white Speedo?