A little something...

To start your week off in a weird way

Because I know EXACTLY what you find funny, I chose this article for it's absurdity. It's from the Southern Suburbs Tatler, February 22, 2007. I read it a few times because I could not really believe it. It blows my mind every time. I'm actually going to go so far as to say that this is truly fucked up. This is what I read:

Bishop kidnapped

Youth of Bethany Full Gospel Church in Lansdowne, kidnapped their pastor to raise funds for the church(And this is true-look at the Tatler-you can't make up a story as absurd as this-Sean) During the second morning service one Sunday, Dr Louis Jordaan, the pastor of the church, had the surprise of his life when he was forcibly removed by two armed, hooded men. He was led away, handcuffed, with a hood over his head(Now would be a good time to recite that part in the Bible...Jesus wept-Sean) “People were paralysed, not knowing whether this was a real kidnapping or not. If there was any doubt in their minds, they were convinced it was real when Dr Jordaan's wife, Bridget, was so overwhelmed by the kidnapping that she fainted. She was later “resuscitated” by paramedics,” said Alta van Heerden, public relations officer for the church. Shortly after the kidnapping, a strange, muffled voice was heard over the public address system, demanding money for the release of Dr Jordaan. Congregants were visibly relieved when the youth of the church ran down the aisles shaking bags to demand money for the release of Dr Jordaan.

One thing.

FUCK

ME

Are they actually being serious? I'm waiting for a call from the Tatler saying “Oh shit, I got you good you fucker!” Is this the way we raise money these days? Look, I'm all up for a bit of humour, and I'm pissing myself as I write this, but in a country where crime is off it's tits, this is not really funny, especially if you were there.

Firstly, “People were paralysed...” You fucking bet they were! Would you not be? I would be phoning my friends telling them they can have my porn collection when I die. After the St James Church Massacre all those years ago, I don't really see too many people being amused by this kidnapping. I mean, I find it funny now. Not the kidnapping, but just the craziness of carrying this out. And kids were involved in the whole thing. Mmmm...don't we set a good example for the youngsters these days?

Secondly, we have people who carry guns. What if someone had seen this whole shindig going down, and decided to shoot the “kidnappers” Granted, this is highly unlikely, but this stuff happens. Imagine old man Cedric pulled out his gat and fired a round at the kidnappers, would there not be trouble then?

Thirdly, if you look around at church, most people are old. They can't handle the stress of a kidnapping in their church. What if some oldie died of a heart attack?

I just don't see a kidnapping being funny anywhere. No, seriously, it's really stupid.

This is truly bizarre. I see a flood of letters going to the Tatler to complain about this, and I will keep you posted. Shit, this country is off the hook at the moment.

Please also note: In yesterday's Sunday Times, in the News and Opinion section, page 21, there is a guy whose name is Chuck Norris! He runs a TV repair shop and also fought in Iraq. I never thought I would see the day that there was another Chuck Norris. We are experiencing a miracle right here. Take this moment in. Savour it. Treasure it.