Yes, we have a response to my thing on Joblog. As I said, no offence, but hey we have to say these things. Look, our guys at ChumpStyle are probably going to win as well, and all we see on their pages are tits and ass.
Seriously, if we had to make this constructive, we could say that Joblog need to be more in depth, more funny, bring a sense of humour to it all. Why not write about what's happening at work? Work is always where all the shit happens. Why not use this to make your posts crazy? Put a couple of photos up of that stuff?
It's not Cape Town's fault that the beach calls us 24 hours a day and that we are so chilled out that we can laugh at ourselves. I think I am allowed to not like a site. I know the guys at Joblog don't like 2oceansvibe, because Seth has mentioned them before when they were mentioned in a magazine, and how all their posts were about traffic in Joburg. 2oceansvibe happen to be pretty good, and Seth has a sense of humour like no other. Maybe that's why not everyone likes him. Maybe that's why Joblog don't have them in their listings. Maybe Joblog do in fact read his blog(I think they do) and do in fact laugh out loud. Maybe...Maybe we all need a beer, a laugh, an "Oh my fuck I'm an idiot, I can't believe I said that about so and so's site" moment, a moment where we run in the vast fields outside Cape Town picking daisies, smearing Johnson's Baby Cologne on ourselves(I actually did this today, marvellous. I smell like a baby. Chicks love it). Wow, I totally lost it there.
And yes I do think an online encyclopedia is stupid. Wikipedia is dumb. I said it. You probably think I am stupid. But that's because I am. I don't hate people for this, this is their opinion. And I can handle people saying that to me. You think I am a tit. You're not the only one. I think so as well. I call my friends thing's like tit's and other disgusting whore names all day, and we dig it. That's the benefit of having Foetal Alcohol Syndrome like we do.
And the thing about the noose? That was a joke. I wouldn't really do it. In fact maybe I would if I won an award for best Business Blog, because I don't deserve that.
You see with Cape Town humour, you cannot win. Because we will laugh it off. Look at our boy Justin Nurse from Laugh It Off, he wins everytime! Do you think he would be such a legend if he didn't just laugh it off? I don't think so. In fact, he went to the same school as me. Maybe that's where the humour comes from. Maybe it's from all those years the school locked us in the basement as punishment. I don't even know where this post is going.
What I will say is in the previous post that first paragraph with the word "albeit" actually made no sense. I was getting ahead of myself with the wording and it didn't work. Clearly no one noticed though.
Well next time we go to Joburg maybe we will visit the Joblog people, maybe they are not bad, maybe they can laugh, maybe they will get over our previous post. I'm pretty damn sure Joblog don't think I should win, and they can say that. Seriously, I won't mind at all. I'm not going to be a complete tool to them if I see them though.
I may think Tony Leon is boring, but I was not a tool to him when I served him food at the embassy. I don't hate him. I don't hate the Joblog people, and I know their site is not supposed to be about laughing 24 hours a day. In any case, it's not like I reach the numbers Seth does, and so my voice is nothing.
Hell, do I think I might win? Probably not. Do I deserve an award for best blog? Probably not. But fuck it, it's been a laugh and 2oceansvibe will probably win. Because Seth has a slight advantage. As does Splattermail, because I suppose, it's really funny. In a sick way sometimes.
Actually come to think of it Seth's is an actual website, which technically keeps him out of the running.
I say we laugh, have a beer, a joint, a tik bulb, a crack pipe, whatever your thing is and chill out. This is easy to say as I look over the sea in Blaauwberg, with a brewskie in my left hand, my piece in my right hand(Jokes) and the ocean before me.
I think I know someone who wants to be seeing an ocean right now... I think I do! I see you wishing that the ocean was before you like it is before me
That's it I'm out, see you all tomorrow, when the anger has quelled(Update me on the meaning of this)
Oh, and about your comment about me not posting your comment on the Wikipedia thing, I have never ever rejected a comment. It obviusly did not come through. I only keep comment moderation on for people getting really dirty...like my friends. I don't mind posting things where people say they don't like me. Not everyone can love us. And you said you are not taking this post(Previous one) seriously. You were not supposed to. Did anyone take it seriously? Does anyone take this blog seriously? I don't think we do? Do you?
I have just been to Joblog, and seen that they have written an article on me. That's what I'm talking about! That's all we ever want, a little mention here and there. You see, by mastering the art of trash talking, you create more visitors to your site. Yes, I have been reading your guys site, you probably know that, and you should not have written an article on me, because this creates interest in me(Ok, possibly of the wrong kind). I know you guys get lot's of visitors, I know exactly what your site is about, and that's why the trash talk started. Just wanting to steal a reader or two. Maybe no one will like us. That's cool, then we still don't lose. Do you think I would be posting things like this if I was at the top like the other blogs, who get thousands of hits a day? No I wouldn't. You guys know this.
Ok I highly doubt we are going to gain any Joblog supporters, but hey if you are from Joblog, and dig the vibe, welcome! My previous post was a bit of cheap marketing for myself, and I promise the posts from now on won't be about Joblog and how bad they are, because I do in fact read them. Nothing like free marketing. I'm sick of getting 10 hits a day, and I thought a bit of publicity would be good.
You guys must master the art of trash talking. You know when Seth mentions you guys that it is a good thing. Do you realise how many fights Muhammad Ali won, even before they had started, just by trash talking? Billions. Trash talking wins competitions, maybe it will win us this one. As my friend Ali said "Keep it real"
No he didn't say it and he's not my friend, but it would have made a good end to my article.
I think I handled myself quite well here. AGAIN!
Let me now bask in my ego driven glory.
Ok I have to go now.
I love lamp.
I love kettle.
Keep it real. And please...laugh
Monday, February 19, 2007
No offence, but...
I am reminded at this time of the year of all the various blogs around, and it reminded me of a terrible, albeit(Nice wording Sean!) boring one. You may have heard of these guys, but I hope for your sake that you haven't.
It's Joblog.co.za. No I'm not joking. It's a blog from Joburg, and I was stupid enough to read some stuff and I'm sorry to say this...but they are below par. Especially in the humour department. And everyone in Joburg is always acting busy, going to "work", and doing important sounding things. They clearly don't have their priorities in order. All I'm saying is that if Joblog win an SA blog award this year, I am going to need a nice piece of rope.
With a noose.
So I can hang myself in the garden, right next to the fly trap. In the corner.
Their blog is so boring, so mind numbing and it is without any articles. For instance, we had "Cocaine train" and I thought that was a good article. A while back Joblog had an article about a nice new ice cream they had tasted. Good fuck. THAT is exciting.
So if they win, to honour true blogging, we shall not support the awards again. Because if they win, we know global warming is but a small problem in the world. And we are all going to need Tom Cruise and Oprah Winfrey to save us then.
That's all for now
Take it easy
And if it's easy take it home and give it a right seeing to
It's Joblog.co.za. No I'm not joking. It's a blog from Joburg, and I was stupid enough to read some stuff and I'm sorry to say this...but they are below par. Especially in the humour department. And everyone in Joburg is always acting busy, going to "work", and doing important sounding things. They clearly don't have their priorities in order. All I'm saying is that if Joblog win an SA blog award this year, I am going to need a nice piece of rope.
With a noose.
So I can hang myself in the garden, right next to the fly trap. In the corner.
Their blog is so boring, so mind numbing and it is without any articles. For instance, we had "Cocaine train" and I thought that was a good article. A while back Joblog had an article about a nice new ice cream they had tasted. Good fuck. THAT is exciting.
So if they win, to honour true blogging, we shall not support the awards again. Because if they win, we know global warming is but a small problem in the world. And we are all going to need Tom Cruise and Oprah Winfrey to save us then.
That's all for now
Take it easy
And if it's easy take it home and give it a right seeing to
Something smells fishy
And it's not Paris or Britney getting out of a car with no underwear on(Much more than you...or I...needed to know)
I was basking in the sun at the pool yesterday reading the Sunday Times and I came upon a column called Wired by Damon Boyd.
In it, he says that reports coming out of the US say that Robbie Williams puts back 36 double espressos, 20 Red Bulls and 60 cigarettes EACH DAY. I promise you, there is enough caffeine and nicotine in there to kill a fucking llama. This sounds a bit much, even for my excessive way of thinking. Now I know Johnny Cash was known to knock back 100 pills a day, 50 uppers, and 50 downers, but in all essence he was fucking Johnny Cash! Johnny Cash can do what he wants, when he wants, without side affects(Except that motor neuron disease he now has, not surprisingly)
But Robbie is Robbie. His song Angels may make me cry myself to bed at night, he may have teenage girls wanting to sleep with him, but this gives him no right to abuse 36 double espressos, 20 Red Bulls and 2 packs of cigarettes every 24 hours.
If there is a doctor in the house then this is what I want to know: Is this all humanly possible? Would he survive one day of this abuse?
Are our US sources making this stuff up? Because to me it sounds like a little source is being very untruthful to The Robster.
Come on, let's see the truth.
I was basking in the sun at the pool yesterday reading the Sunday Times and I came upon a column called Wired by Damon Boyd.
In it, he says that reports coming out of the US say that Robbie Williams puts back 36 double espressos, 20 Red Bulls and 60 cigarettes EACH DAY. I promise you, there is enough caffeine and nicotine in there to kill a fucking llama. This sounds a bit much, even for my excessive way of thinking. Now I know Johnny Cash was known to knock back 100 pills a day, 50 uppers, and 50 downers, but in all essence he was fucking Johnny Cash! Johnny Cash can do what he wants, when he wants, without side affects(Except that motor neuron disease he now has, not surprisingly)
But Robbie is Robbie. His song Angels may make me cry myself to bed at night, he may have teenage girls wanting to sleep with him, but this gives him no right to abuse 36 double espressos, 20 Red Bulls and 2 packs of cigarettes every 24 hours.
If there is a doctor in the house then this is what I want to know: Is this all humanly possible? Would he survive one day of this abuse?
Are our US sources making this stuff up? Because to me it sounds like a little source is being very untruthful to The Robster.
Come on, let's see the truth.
Classic humour
Someone has just asked me about my Fokofpolisiekar post. They asked if I'm sure I was not looking at the two girls in white in FRONT of the three girls in white. Ha! Classic! I did not even see that. You guys are too funny. No really, you are.
And I'm spent
And I'm spent
Fokofpolisiekar
Translating to "Fuck off police car"
We headed through to Kirstenbosch yesterday at about 4pm to catch Fokof playing at 5:30pm.
I suppose it's not really my type of music, seeing as I don't know what they are singing about, bt it was a cool vibe there anyway.
I was clearly graced by the presence of three young girls, all wearing white tops(Where is the rain when you need it) and sitting right in front of us. If they were any closer they would have been in big trouble.
It was clearly one of their tamer concerts, because as my friend Rob told me, at one of their concerts they were so fucked that the drummer jumped out of a moving car and broke legs and stuff and was out for a few months. So they had to get a replacement drummer for a while. I also knew it was tame when the lead singer, Francois van Coke, was seen afterwards drinking a Brutal Fruit. But no one can complain because he is fucking Francois van Coke, and he can drink whatever he feels like drinking. If he wants a Cosmopolitan, then give the man one dammit!
There were also the usual crowd surfers, and some who were not so good at surfing. One guy jumped into the crowd, and just went head first straight into the ground. What a class act!
As I say, the ladies in white were great, the music may take a bit of getting used to, I was tired from getting up at 4am, but hey, it was good times.
Please enjoy this
Right now my favourite sites for pictures are www.tmz.com and www.x17online.com. Please do pay X17 a visit because their entire page is filled with Britney Spears at the moment. That's right, slut ho bag has, through her tattoo and head shave, managed to capture the world's attention. Clearly why she did all this shit in the first place. Well done Brit, I don't see you cracking the nod to appear on the cover of Cosmo, but I have no doubt that Redneck Times and Farmers Weekly will be giving you a call sometime soon.
As I say, congratulations Brit, not many people make the covers of these things.
As I say, congratulations Brit, not many people make the covers of these things.
Sunday, February 18, 2007
Britney's clean shaven
This time it's her head
This women never ceases to amaze me. First she marries fuckshow K-Fed, who you can now call daddy instead, then she hangs out with her stuff out with Paris Hilton.
Apparently she returned from a rehab facility, where she stayed for less than 24 hours, then arrived at a tattoo parlour to get a pair of red lips tattooed on her wrist.
She was bald.
Let's have a moment for ourselves.
Britney is a single mom, she has shaved her head, she was married to white trash himself.
If you read the above sentence by itself, and forget how famous she is, it will sound like the classic American coke whore living in a trailer park.
Well done Brit, you have outdone yourself this time.
Classy
Saturday, February 17, 2007
Griffin, I am your father!
Ryan O' Neal, above, completely loses his tits, and his bearings, and his mind...
I thought you would enjoy this story about actor Ryan O' Neal and his son Griffin. This is from CNN:
The actor told the Los Angeles Times that he arrived at his Malibu home Saturday night with a group of friends, including his former girlfriend Farrah Fawcett. They had been celebrating Fawcett's 60th birthday and that she is cancer-free after four months of treatment.
O'Neal's son Griffin, 42, who has a history of alcohol and drug problems, was visiting. O'Neal said Griffin grabbed a fireplace poker, started swinging it and grazed him four or five times.
He "aimed at my head, I ducked, he hit his own girlfriend in the head," O'Neal, 65, told the newspaper.
"I got a little nervous at that point and fled to my room ... and I got my gun," he said.
O'Neal said his son began to come up the stairs with the poker. "So I just fired it into the banister, and that scared him and he fled," he said.
Fucking hell! Imagine your son trying to clean you with a poker?! Cocaine is clearly one hell of a drug. Then to make it worse, he misses the old man and hits his girlfriend. With a poker! Unbelievable. Not just accidentally hitting the bird with a shoe, but a solid piece of steel!
Then, fuck, the old man just pulls out his gun and fires a shot or two! Imagine this happened in your family, it would be completely off the hook. Mind you, I probably would be able to handle this if my parents were loaded. Nothing a new house and car can't fix. Spending vast amounts of money is the ideal way to mend things with father and son.
Shit, where's that fucking poker my old man used to keep...
Coffee prices
This is an interesting site to look at if you drink coffee, especially if you are spending R10 0r R15 on a cup, or a latte, or whatever these places make these days. It's kind of strange, seeing as though coffee is seen as the drink of successful people these days. Places like Vida and Starbucks are trendy, and all the young, and successful people must be seen at these places. I have always found it a bit arbitrary to go drink coffee when you want to do something. Why coffee? It's as random as going to eat Skittles with someone. Mostly, I believe, places like Vida are there so people can be spotted. With Vida in town, the tables flow onto the street, where everyone can see you. Vida in Cavendish flows out into the hallways, with no barriers, so everyone can see you, what you are wearing, and generally you can put out that rich, successful vibe even if that's not who you are.
When you realise that virtually none of the money from your coffee is going to these farmers, it is rather disturbing. Once again, Africa gets exploited and no one really seems to mind. They are too busy fucking around in Iraq, killing kids. Once again, I guess, George Bush wins.
America always wins
This is the link:
http://www.maketradefair.com/en/index.php?file=issues_coffee.htm&cat=2&subcat=4&select=1
When you realise that virtually none of the money from your coffee is going to these farmers, it is rather disturbing. Once again, Africa gets exploited and no one really seems to mind. They are too busy fucking around in Iraq, killing kids. Once again, I guess, George Bush wins.
America always wins
This is the link:
http://www.maketradefair.com/en/index.php?file=issues_coffee.htm&cat=2&subcat=4&select=1
Ummm...don't wear fur
I was notified of this by Mike, who is in advertising, so naturally he needed to see this for market research. Basically what.
Basically what we
What I
What we need to
We must understand
Keep our composure
Let me gather myself for a second
Ok
What we need to do is honour our young Joanna Krupa and not wear our mink coats anymore. Because, dear God, she could tell me anything and I would listen.
If all these ad's were like this, I have no doubt there would be no need for fur coats and stuff.
She looks so good naked. It's all so natural. Like the world should be. It kind of just feels right. No, it feels fucking good.
So yeah, no fur, as Joanna has shown by not wearing a coat and by shavi...ok well you get the picture.
I'm going to the beach, you all take it easy.
And no fur
Friday, February 16, 2007
My SA band addiction
I'm really so into the South African band thing at the moment that it's crazy. It all started on Thursday night after watching Plush play at Sobhar. It blew my mind, again, at how good they are live. Seriously, how they don't get more airtime on the radios is a mystery. Granted, I don't listen to the radio much, but hey, my iPod works overtime.
Currently, I believe Plush are trying to get their song "Grace grew tall" onto 5fm's playlist. To be honest, 5fm play shit music, and if this song made it on, I have no doubt that it will clean up in the charts. What they want is for people to e-mail 5fm asking them to play "grace grew tall" and so pressure them to playlist it. I listened to it last night, and even as I write, it gives me shivers, realising what awesome music they are making. Go to Rory's(Lead singer, guitar) Myspace page at www.myspace.com/roryeliot to check out for updates on what's happening. You can also check them out at www.plush.us The Plush US site is out of date but you can still get the details there so you can e-mail various radio stations asking them to play Plush. "Grace grew tall" is the one that is looking to be playlisted, so that's the name to send in.
You can also listen to "Grace grew tall" on their Myspace page. I did. I still am. Awesome. Listening to them live has flipped my life upside down. Shit damn it's good.
I'm also currently listening to Seether and Just Jinjer, two other great SA bands, now based overseas. Damn their music is good. I don't support bands just because they are South African, but rather because they are good at what they do. I have listened to some gig's here and have nearly been put to sleep, just because the words seem to mean nothing to me.
So check out the Myspace page, listen to the song, request it on 5fm and rock out. They are also playing live in town on the 9th and 10th of March for a live recording they are doing. Will keep you up to date. It should be awesome.
The photo above is of Rory, with that enigma, The Incredible Schalk, at Alba in the Waterfront, with Schalk looking incredibly happy. Now that's good times...
Thursday, February 15, 2007
What the fuck is this, Jim?
I just emptied out my post box, and found this note in it. If you're deeply religious, you may want to go to another happier site, like Bunniesplayinginthegrass.com(Actually this could be porn) Anyway, I have an apparent disregard for the religious people who put this crap in my letter box. The front page says:
The seafarer was wrecked almost at the foot of the Mouille Point light house. A light house does not call you towards it. It says, Look out! Danger ahead. This is false bay, or dangerous rocks ahead. STAY AWAY!
Jesus says, Matt. 11.28, I AM THE LIGHT OF THE WORLD.
COME TO ME, all you who...then the blabber continues on the next page.
I am loving their use of capital letters in the last section, to convey SHOUTING. Like they are ANGRY.
I also highly doubt the credibility of this story. I highly doubt the Mouille Point light house was around way back when. In fact I highly doubt Mouille Point was around then. In fact, this whole story sounds false. Shit, using a false story to bring us God's word. I'm APPALLED! SHOCKED!
Stop putting this stuff in my post box, now next time postie comes round to drop my mail order Thai boy, he will not fit in because it will be packed with all your preaching letters. And my life is nothing without my monthly Fed Ex of a Thai boy. $1, packaging and shipping included.
Now that's good times.
Tisk tisk...
Tuesday, now that was good times
Shit, Tuesday was off the hook! In between being the greatest writer that has ever lived, I help people out when I need to. Or shall I say want to. Now this topic is very sensitive, being an Embassy and shit. So no names will be mentioned. Don't want the special forces busting down my door.
So I was asked if I could take time out of my busy schedule to serve food at the Embassy(Oooooh which one? Can't say. Is the suspense eating you up inside?). Now usually I would turn such menial work down, but this offer was too good. I thought I would write about it and it would make a great article. And by George it did!
So we rolled in there at 5pm, me all dapper in a black pant, white shirt, chest all oiled up, and we were met by a security guard at the gate. Then we parked the car inside, and this guard made us open the bonnet so he could check if anything was in there. Then he checked under the car with a mirror to see if anything was there. Personally I don't hide my gimps and migrant Thai workers under the car, but rather in the boot. And guess what? He did not check the boot! How nuts is that? Jesus, I could have been hiding an atomic Thai boy in the boot. Thank the pope he did not check my pockets, because my tik bulbs were rattling in there like mother fuckers. So then we made our way up the driveway, myself and two girls(Pimp pimp), and we were met by another three security guards. I was beginning to feel like this was the Fort Knox my parents told me about.
Then we started serving food and drinks and shit, and I could not help but think that these people were too bizarre for words! I saw Tony Leon(Shorty) and Patricia de Lille('Lil Trish, as I like to call her) arbing about, showing face. I would have taken photos if it were not for the fact that there were about 5 dudes cruising around looking way out of place, so I knew they were bodyguards. I spoke to the house lady and she pointed out a bodyguard, who looked totally out of place. As though he had never been in a social situation before. He could easily have been mistaken for a wrongfully invited guest.
Then, to make matters worse, the one guy who I was sure was a bodyguard(Side note: Due to the immense size of my chest, I was mistaken for a bodyguard once or twice in the evening) kept on asking for more food. I was like “Listen fucker, you not allowed to eat, just stand there and do your job, fool!” Then some dude who looked rather stupid, takes this food that I was serving. It was like salmon and cream cheese in half a baby potatoe. Now a potato is hard to mistake for anything really. It does not look like anything, but a fucking potatoe. So he says “Is this potatoe?” Jesus H Christ, no, it's a watermelon. What do you think it is? DONT BE STUPID YOUR WHOLE LIFE! I was so dumbfounded by this, that I said nothing. How do you reply to this? A good reply would have been to kick him in the chops and tell him to get a high school education before he starts to mingle in these Embassy circles.
Another fine specimen was this Chinese dude who, for the first 10 minutes or so, stood by himself, declining food and just chilling by himself, probably kicking some pick up lines around in his head. What a homeboy. Then later on I nearly coughed up the sushi that I was stealing when I saw him chatting to an A-class lady. She was amazing. Granted, the other guests were lank old, and this may have put her in a good light. Imagine how hot she must have looked in a badly lit situation, ha ha ha! Maybe a bag of Simba chips over her head! Ok...that was a weird moment right there. Sorry. Apologies all around. But this girl was there with what seemed like her sister, and funny enough the last time I worked at an Embassy, I somehow recall seeing these two. I need to start mixing in embassy circles more often. If it were not for the fact that they were so fucking boring, I'm sure we would have all given them a run for their money.
If they had the slightest bit of personality, I have no doubt they would have spent the better part of the night in the bathroom, sandwiched between the Chinese guy and...well, quite possibly me. Alrighty then. Odd behaviour from me.
No but seriously, I immediately knew they were embassy types because not even my dashing good looks, and my easy swagger, could impress them. I was definitely putting the right vibe out, because I just felt it. No, I'm going to go so far as to say that I looked fucking hot. And not even a glimpse from them. Mind you, many a lady has looked me in the eyes and fallen completely in love, only for me to dust them off. Maybe these ladies wanted to avoid disappointment. Sorry ladies, so many of you, only one of me(I would have said little...but we don't want any ambiguity entering in on this topic)
Then there are the usual pompous pricks who attend these things. They sit there, not smiling, generally looking like the back end of fucking Horse Chestnut, and making complete tools of themselves just by being there. Fuck, unborn children have more personality. They don't eat, don't drink, don't talk. What in Chucks name are you doing, wasting the precious oxygen on this planet. Piss off already.
Everyone was wearing a suit as well, what tools. If it were me, I'd like to kick it back to the old school with my Diesel Jeans, Nike Dunk Low shoes and maybe my Woolworths W Collection cotton striped shirt. Throw in my Diesel watch and we are good to go to a party to pick up ho's. These people looked like they were ready for a funeral. Fascinating. Intriguing. Marvellous
I have just taken a look over this article and the swearing is fucking excessive. Sorry but it's 11:09pm and I only got back a little while ago, so emotions are high, I'm looking dead sexy and I will write the rest of this tomorrow. I'm going to kick back for an hour and then watch Conan 'O Brien, my inspiration, my hero, my father. Yes, my father. I never believed the whole postman story anyway.
Ok, I'm back. It's Wednesday evening, 20:19, and I'm ready to finish this article. Not much to say really, because it was stellar.
Oh forgot to mention the napkins I got. They look beautiful. They have the whole emblem on them and shit. Currently I am using them to wipe my snotty nose with. They have a multitude of uses. I could use them to wipe excess oil from my bike chain, use them as a bib when eating, pick up the dead bits of hookers that litter my house. Shit, these things are handy.
Righty-oh-then. That's all my stupendous ones, go back to your work, piss the boss off, spread the word about SLXS, nominate me in the blog awards and together, I have no doubt, we will take over the world. Today Cape Town, tomorrow...Helsinki! Or Yemen!
And remember, a quote from my mate Jerry D “Take it easy. And if it's easy take it home”
Now go rest.
You need it.
One more thing. I was watching a rally on TV today, and thought about a fun rumour to spread. Because these guys are the toughest guys on the planet, I thought we should start a rumour about them. Let's start a rumour about Petter Solberg. I say me tell everyone that he is so tough, he eats his gearbox after every race, genius! Hurry up, spread the word!
Currently we are listening to Lenny Kravits “Fly Away” And I have no doubt that if you are in an office right now, that's exactly what you will want to do on such a fine summers day. The pool awaits me. Mmmm... now where is that white Speedo?
So I was asked if I could take time out of my busy schedule to serve food at the Embassy(Oooooh which one? Can't say. Is the suspense eating you up inside?). Now usually I would turn such menial work down, but this offer was too good. I thought I would write about it and it would make a great article. And by George it did!
So we rolled in there at 5pm, me all dapper in a black pant, white shirt, chest all oiled up, and we were met by a security guard at the gate. Then we parked the car inside, and this guard made us open the bonnet so he could check if anything was in there. Then he checked under the car with a mirror to see if anything was there. Personally I don't hide my gimps and migrant Thai workers under the car, but rather in the boot. And guess what? He did not check the boot! How nuts is that? Jesus, I could have been hiding an atomic Thai boy in the boot. Thank the pope he did not check my pockets, because my tik bulbs were rattling in there like mother fuckers. So then we made our way up the driveway, myself and two girls(Pimp pimp), and we were met by another three security guards. I was beginning to feel like this was the Fort Knox my parents told me about.
Then we started serving food and drinks and shit, and I could not help but think that these people were too bizarre for words! I saw Tony Leon(Shorty) and Patricia de Lille('Lil Trish, as I like to call her) arbing about, showing face. I would have taken photos if it were not for the fact that there were about 5 dudes cruising around looking way out of place, so I knew they were bodyguards. I spoke to the house lady and she pointed out a bodyguard, who looked totally out of place. As though he had never been in a social situation before. He could easily have been mistaken for a wrongfully invited guest.
Then, to make matters worse, the one guy who I was sure was a bodyguard(Side note: Due to the immense size of my chest, I was mistaken for a bodyguard once or twice in the evening) kept on asking for more food. I was like “Listen fucker, you not allowed to eat, just stand there and do your job, fool!” Then some dude who looked rather stupid, takes this food that I was serving. It was like salmon and cream cheese in half a baby potatoe. Now a potato is hard to mistake for anything really. It does not look like anything, but a fucking potatoe. So he says “Is this potatoe?” Jesus H Christ, no, it's a watermelon. What do you think it is? DONT BE STUPID YOUR WHOLE LIFE! I was so dumbfounded by this, that I said nothing. How do you reply to this? A good reply would have been to kick him in the chops and tell him to get a high school education before he starts to mingle in these Embassy circles.
Another fine specimen was this Chinese dude who, for the first 10 minutes or so, stood by himself, declining food and just chilling by himself, probably kicking some pick up lines around in his head. What a homeboy. Then later on I nearly coughed up the sushi that I was stealing when I saw him chatting to an A-class lady. She was amazing. Granted, the other guests were lank old, and this may have put her in a good light. Imagine how hot she must have looked in a badly lit situation, ha ha ha! Maybe a bag of Simba chips over her head! Ok...that was a weird moment right there. Sorry. Apologies all around. But this girl was there with what seemed like her sister, and funny enough the last time I worked at an Embassy, I somehow recall seeing these two. I need to start mixing in embassy circles more often. If it were not for the fact that they were so fucking boring, I'm sure we would have all given them a run for their money.
If they had the slightest bit of personality, I have no doubt they would have spent the better part of the night in the bathroom, sandwiched between the Chinese guy and...well, quite possibly me. Alrighty then. Odd behaviour from me.
No but seriously, I immediately knew they were embassy types because not even my dashing good looks, and my easy swagger, could impress them. I was definitely putting the right vibe out, because I just felt it. No, I'm going to go so far as to say that I looked fucking hot. And not even a glimpse from them. Mind you, many a lady has looked me in the eyes and fallen completely in love, only for me to dust them off. Maybe these ladies wanted to avoid disappointment. Sorry ladies, so many of you, only one of me(I would have said little...but we don't want any ambiguity entering in on this topic)
Then there are the usual pompous pricks who attend these things. They sit there, not smiling, generally looking like the back end of fucking Horse Chestnut, and making complete tools of themselves just by being there. Fuck, unborn children have more personality. They don't eat, don't drink, don't talk. What in Chucks name are you doing, wasting the precious oxygen on this planet. Piss off already.
Everyone was wearing a suit as well, what tools. If it were me, I'd like to kick it back to the old school with my Diesel Jeans, Nike Dunk Low shoes and maybe my Woolworths W Collection cotton striped shirt. Throw in my Diesel watch and we are good to go to a party to pick up ho's. These people looked like they were ready for a funeral. Fascinating. Intriguing. Marvellous
I have just taken a look over this article and the swearing is fucking excessive. Sorry but it's 11:09pm and I only got back a little while ago, so emotions are high, I'm looking dead sexy and I will write the rest of this tomorrow. I'm going to kick back for an hour and then watch Conan 'O Brien, my inspiration, my hero, my father. Yes, my father. I never believed the whole postman story anyway.
Ok, I'm back. It's Wednesday evening, 20:19, and I'm ready to finish this article. Not much to say really, because it was stellar.
Oh forgot to mention the napkins I got. They look beautiful. They have the whole emblem on them and shit. Currently I am using them to wipe my snotty nose with. They have a multitude of uses. I could use them to wipe excess oil from my bike chain, use them as a bib when eating, pick up the dead bits of hookers that litter my house. Shit, these things are handy.
Righty-oh-then. That's all my stupendous ones, go back to your work, piss the boss off, spread the word about SLXS, nominate me in the blog awards and together, I have no doubt, we will take over the world. Today Cape Town, tomorrow...Helsinki! Or Yemen!
And remember, a quote from my mate Jerry D “Take it easy. And if it's easy take it home”
Now go rest.
You need it.
One more thing. I was watching a rally on TV today, and thought about a fun rumour to spread. Because these guys are the toughest guys on the planet, I thought we should start a rumour about them. Let's start a rumour about Petter Solberg. I say me tell everyone that he is so tough, he eats his gearbox after every race, genius! Hurry up, spread the word!
Currently we are listening to Lenny Kravits “Fly Away” And I have no doubt that if you are in an office right now, that's exactly what you will want to do on such a fine summers day. The pool awaits me. Mmmm... now where is that white Speedo?
Wednesday, February 14, 2007
The remnants of Valentines
A marvellous day indeed, Jones.
I have never really been sold on the idea of having "Day's" for various things. Fathers day, Mothers Day, Valentines Day, Birthdays. I just kind of think we should be living excessively all year. Now people will say "You are no fun" But why not do something with your girlfriend or parents or whatever every day? Why dedicate one day in the year to these people? Invariably, when these "days" do come along they turn into fuck shows. All the restaurants are packed, people are losing their tits completely, and it just kind of goes haywire. It is so commercial it kind of makes me want to stay in the whole day.
Not to mention the fact that a friend sms'd at about 9am this morning saying the day had already cost him R600. By the end of the day we can call it an even R1000. If I'm going to be dropping a grand on something, or putting it towards something, it better have the words "Apple i..." in it. Or someone like this A-class belter that I have seen around lately should be lying in a Waterfront apartment, with a bucketful of coke, waiting for me(That was technically a joke) This girl I have seen lately looks like a young Kate Moss, prior to getting involved with fuckshow himself, Pete Doherty. And prior to her powdering her nose with that fairy dust she uses, which at times resembles cocaine. Hang on a second...maybe it is cocaine.
God! All this time I thought it was from candy floss or something. Gosh I'm an idiot!
So yeah, Valentines "Day", is a bit commercial for myself. Not to mention that the Valentines are not exactly bashing down my hand carved front door. Anyway, I thought I would go visit the Woolworths down the road from me. The Rondebosch one, Klipfontein Road. So I did my rounds and when it came time to leave it was a complete mess. Cars could not get in and cars could not get out. The whole parking lot had come to a standstill. Then the car in front of me took off to turn right across the road. First she had to dodge the cars speeding at her from the right, then the ones in the other lane coming from the left. Well her senses failed her, and she pulled out in front of a bakkie.
Our boy in the bakkie slammed on brakes, swerved to his right, hit the centre island and ramped his car up, fucking a pole out the ground mid air, then dropped into the oncoming traffic and hit another womans car. You probably think I am making this story up to add further fuel to my "Valentines day is bullshit" fire. But go look at Woolworths, see the pole knocked out the ground. Now back to where I was.
All the while people were panicking, but me being me, ice cool maverick, well, I maintained complete composure. I actually acted with an air of grace and sophistication, taking this mass hysteria in my icy cool stride. I waited a while but the cars did not stop coming. Then an enterprising young man from Woolworths managed to stop some cars, so the people in the Woolworths parking lot could get out. I pulled out slowly in the VR3, not wanting to strain the engine on such a panicky day. Then I put my foot down, leaving the accident scene in my wake, and escaping unscathed. Another successful day, well navigated by me.
I just looked over the day, all the traffic, the accident, the money being thrown around and I thought "Fuck it, what a dogshow" I came home, watched our boys cleaning up in the cricket and quietly whispered in my ear "I am living the dream"
Then I fell asleep in my arms, woke up, and realised I had won the lottery( I write this pre-the lottery. This could happen. Will keep you informed)
Oh, by the way, hope you had a good Valentines day all the same.
Respect
I have never really been sold on the idea of having "Day's" for various things. Fathers day, Mothers Day, Valentines Day, Birthdays. I just kind of think we should be living excessively all year. Now people will say "You are no fun" But why not do something with your girlfriend or parents or whatever every day? Why dedicate one day in the year to these people? Invariably, when these "days" do come along they turn into fuck shows. All the restaurants are packed, people are losing their tits completely, and it just kind of goes haywire. It is so commercial it kind of makes me want to stay in the whole day.
Not to mention the fact that a friend sms'd at about 9am this morning saying the day had already cost him R600. By the end of the day we can call it an even R1000. If I'm going to be dropping a grand on something, or putting it towards something, it better have the words "Apple i..." in it. Or someone like this A-class belter that I have seen around lately should be lying in a Waterfront apartment, with a bucketful of coke, waiting for me(That was technically a joke) This girl I have seen lately looks like a young Kate Moss, prior to getting involved with fuckshow himself, Pete Doherty. And prior to her powdering her nose with that fairy dust she uses, which at times resembles cocaine. Hang on a second...maybe it is cocaine.
God! All this time I thought it was from candy floss or something. Gosh I'm an idiot!
So yeah, Valentines "Day", is a bit commercial for myself. Not to mention that the Valentines are not exactly bashing down my hand carved front door. Anyway, I thought I would go visit the Woolworths down the road from me. The Rondebosch one, Klipfontein Road. So I did my rounds and when it came time to leave it was a complete mess. Cars could not get in and cars could not get out. The whole parking lot had come to a standstill. Then the car in front of me took off to turn right across the road. First she had to dodge the cars speeding at her from the right, then the ones in the other lane coming from the left. Well her senses failed her, and she pulled out in front of a bakkie.
Our boy in the bakkie slammed on brakes, swerved to his right, hit the centre island and ramped his car up, fucking a pole out the ground mid air, then dropped into the oncoming traffic and hit another womans car. You probably think I am making this story up to add further fuel to my "Valentines day is bullshit" fire. But go look at Woolworths, see the pole knocked out the ground. Now back to where I was.
All the while people were panicking, but me being me, ice cool maverick, well, I maintained complete composure. I actually acted with an air of grace and sophistication, taking this mass hysteria in my icy cool stride. I waited a while but the cars did not stop coming. Then an enterprising young man from Woolworths managed to stop some cars, so the people in the Woolworths parking lot could get out. I pulled out slowly in the VR3, not wanting to strain the engine on such a panicky day. Then I put my foot down, leaving the accident scene in my wake, and escaping unscathed. Another successful day, well navigated by me.
I just looked over the day, all the traffic, the accident, the money being thrown around and I thought "Fuck it, what a dogshow" I came home, watched our boys cleaning up in the cricket and quietly whispered in my ear "I am living the dream"
Then I fell asleep in my arms, woke up, and realised I had won the lottery( I write this pre-the lottery. This could happen. Will keep you informed)
Oh, by the way, hope you had a good Valentines day all the same.
Respect
Tuesday, February 13, 2007
That's ugly
I just woke up(Actually got up at 6. Fucking neighbours dog. Again. Buying a hand grenade today. Shut up, I know it's illegal) and looked at my post on Barron Trump. What I failed to neglect, wait, that makes no sense.
What I failed to report on, was the hideousness of The Donald. My fuck, is he not one of the ugliest people you have ever seen. But there are ugly people(Rosie O' Donnell) and then there is the Don. He is is a league of his own. I have been scouting the streets for ages now looking for someone with a combover like his and I just can't seem to find one.
He is actually fucking disgusting.
Then I look at his tight wife and I think (Yes, it hurts) "Yeah, I'm sure you are with him for his looks and personality"
Melania is possibly the worlds biggest gold digger. Jesus, if you are a woman can you imagine sleeping with The Don. I feel dirty even talking about it. I mean, Ron Jeremy, the world biggest porn star, is nasty, but at least he has a piece the size of a yellow wood tree to offer you.
This post has turned filthy and I am a bad person.
Yeah yeah yeah.
What I failed to report on, was the hideousness of The Donald. My fuck, is he not one of the ugliest people you have ever seen. But there are ugly people(Rosie O' Donnell) and then there is the Don. He is is a league of his own. I have been scouting the streets for ages now looking for someone with a combover like his and I just can't seem to find one.
He is actually fucking disgusting.
Then I look at his tight wife and I think (Yes, it hurts) "Yeah, I'm sure you are with him for his looks and personality"
Melania is possibly the worlds biggest gold digger. Jesus, if you are a woman can you imagine sleeping with The Don. I feel dirty even talking about it. I mean, Ron Jeremy, the world biggest porn star, is nasty, but at least he has a piece the size of a yellow wood tree to offer you.
This post has turned filthy and I am a bad person.
Yeah yeah yeah.
Monday, February 12, 2007
Barron Trump
I love it when my sister visits, she is actually quite sweet really. She always likes to surprise The Honourable Sean with a YOU magazine or two. The latest one was placed ever so gently in my cycling helmet(Bell Sweep Road, 2006 model, just to name drop) It was like a gift from the God's. The gossip God's.
In the back pages, which are the only ones worth reading, was a picture of Donald Trump, who we shall call Big DT, and his son Barron.
No I am not fucking with your head, his name is Barron. Seriously, no fucky fuckying around this time.
Barron Trump.
That is amazing. That's like naming my sweet child, Honourable(In reference to Scary Movie, with the guy with the gimp hand going "Sweet child!" Or in reference to Axl "Fuckin'" Rose's song "Sweet child o' mine") It's totally off the hook. Totally.
But the photo of him is amazing, he is getting a combover just like his pops, Big DT. Craziness.
Then even more worrying is the quote by The Don(I will call him a different name at will and no one can stop me) saying "Barron is strong and smart" Jesus! He's like, not even two years old!
No pressure on him then to become a tycoon. Can you imagine how the Donster (You can't do anything about this) would flip his lid if Barron turned into the next K-Fed(Who, by the way, you can now call "Daddy" instead)
The opportunities at turning this story into a book are endless so I shall just stop now. Back the fuck up, Sean. Go sit down.
That's better.
In a side note: I'm quite enjoying this site www.tmz.com where you can find as many celebrity photos as you will. I'm currently on Orlando Bloom and Jake Gyllenhaal...Okay that was a weird moment there.
Seriously though if you search for me on that site you will probably find a couple of photos.
Type in "Sean Lloyd White Speedo"
Absolutely thrilling
It's the blog awards
I just realised that it is the SA blog awards, and although I highly doubt an award is coming our way, I thought I would let you in on it anyway. Because I'm a caring, generous person. Shit, I hear echoes of people shouting "Bullshit" right as I type.
There are various categories, but not all of them apply to us. Obviously.
So go ahead, my children, and nominate away for me. Categories which I fit into would be:
Most humorous South African Blog (No seriously, this blog is supposed to be funny. Okey dokey, don't all burst into laughter at once)
Best post on a South African blog (Right now, "Cocaine train" is doing it for me)
Best new blog
Now go forth and vote. I don't really know all the rules and shit, because I'm too lazy to read the entire thing. But you can do it for me at: http://2007.sablogawards.com/
Okay, shit, don't all rush and click the link at once, we don't want their site crashing now, do we?
There are various categories, but not all of them apply to us. Obviously.
So go ahead, my children, and nominate away for me. Categories which I fit into would be:
Most humorous South African Blog (No seriously, this blog is supposed to be funny. Okey dokey, don't all burst into laughter at once)
Best post on a South African blog (Right now, "Cocaine train" is doing it for me)
Best new blog
Now go forth and vote. I don't really know all the rules and shit, because I'm too lazy to read the entire thing. But you can do it for me at: http://2007.sablogawards.com/
Okay, shit, don't all rush and click the link at once, we don't want their site crashing now, do we?
The cocaine train
I was kicking it back with some home boys today and we were talking about parties, ho's and drugs(In that order) Anyway we kind of rolled onto the topic of boring parties, and how to spice them up. We all agreed that taking your kit off is a definite party starter. If you have tits at least. Generally guys doing this kind of thing empty out the party at a rapid rate. Depending on the type of party, if you get where I am going.
Then, in a moment of boldness, and a moment that only can happen to me, I saw a fire extinguisher. Now to a normal person, seeing a fire extinguisher would not ignite a spark inside their heads linking this to a party. I bet some of you are thinking "Oh, what a tool, he thinks setting off a fire extinguisher at a party is funny" No, little ones. I am more profound than that.
I realised it was a powder fire extinguisher that held about 4.5kg of powder. Now can you imagine rocking up at a party that is so fuck boring that you would rather pull round to your gran's house and knit with her. Don't be fooled, these parties exist. The Mathletes from school get together every Friday to wank about maths, and they call this a "party" A pants party of sorts. Now generally these parties have no hope of ever getting a cool vibe going.
But with Sean, the intrepid, you don't have to fear. You fill this extinguisher with the finest Columbian blow you can find. You walk into any old fucked out party shouting your surname. Example: In this example, replace my surname, Lloyd, with yours: Lloyd's number one! Lloyd's number fucking one! Fuck yeah!" At this moment you pull the pin out the extinguisher, press down the handle and shout, as the cocaine pummels it's way through the air "(Make a hooting sound, like a train) HOOT HOOT! THE COCAINE TRAIN IS COMING TO STEAM ROLL YOU, BITCHES!"
Watch in sheer amazement, as Zion, the top Mathlete in high school, gets his hand off Ron's cock and starts doing the fucking funky chicken, then breaks into a full out "Zoolander" walkoff scene. He then walks up to Stacy, the Mathlete whore slut bitch slag bag, and pulls her. He then pulls out a strip of 500 condoms, he holds them up, points to her and says "Stacy, you are in BIG trouble young lady"
Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Can you imagine how crazy that would be?! I'm am at a loss for words!
4.5 kg's of cocaine, absolutely annihilating anyone in site! I can't even begin to imagine how numb their gums would go after only a couple of moments. Fuck they would actually have numbs gum they would be so fucked up.
Now that my friends, is the situation at a boring party. Imagine going into one of the sickest parties ever, like in Ibiza, and doing the exact same thing. The opportunities for crazy stories after this would be endless. It would be a complete dogshow, complete with people acting like dog's and whoring themselves to anyone in sight.
Now to the sophisticated, cultured, intelligent(Everything I am not) people reading this, they will argue that the cocaine would not shoot out as it needs propellant to propel it out the extinguisher. Fuck off. This is not fucking Mythbusters, so stop trying to ruin the best story ever written. EVER! Seriously, go back to the lab and never come out again.
I won't lie, this took up so much brainpower to write, I think it may be my last post ever. Seriously.
Cheers
The Honourable Sean Lloyd
Then, in a moment of boldness, and a moment that only can happen to me, I saw a fire extinguisher. Now to a normal person, seeing a fire extinguisher would not ignite a spark inside their heads linking this to a party. I bet some of you are thinking "Oh, what a tool, he thinks setting off a fire extinguisher at a party is funny" No, little ones. I am more profound than that.
I realised it was a powder fire extinguisher that held about 4.5kg of powder. Now can you imagine rocking up at a party that is so fuck boring that you would rather pull round to your gran's house and knit with her. Don't be fooled, these parties exist. The Mathletes from school get together every Friday to wank about maths, and they call this a "party" A pants party of sorts. Now generally these parties have no hope of ever getting a cool vibe going.
But with Sean, the intrepid, you don't have to fear. You fill this extinguisher with the finest Columbian blow you can find. You walk into any old fucked out party shouting your surname. Example: In this example, replace my surname, Lloyd, with yours: Lloyd's number one! Lloyd's number fucking one! Fuck yeah!" At this moment you pull the pin out the extinguisher, press down the handle and shout, as the cocaine pummels it's way through the air "(Make a hooting sound, like a train) HOOT HOOT! THE COCAINE TRAIN IS COMING TO STEAM ROLL YOU, BITCHES!"
Watch in sheer amazement, as Zion, the top Mathlete in high school, gets his hand off Ron's cock and starts doing the fucking funky chicken, then breaks into a full out "Zoolander" walkoff scene. He then walks up to Stacy, the Mathlete whore slut bitch slag bag, and pulls her. He then pulls out a strip of 500 condoms, he holds them up, points to her and says "Stacy, you are in BIG trouble young lady"
Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Can you imagine how crazy that would be?! I'm am at a loss for words!
4.5 kg's of cocaine, absolutely annihilating anyone in site! I can't even begin to imagine how numb their gums would go after only a couple of moments. Fuck they would actually have numbs gum they would be so fucked up.
Now that my friends, is the situation at a boring party. Imagine going into one of the sickest parties ever, like in Ibiza, and doing the exact same thing. The opportunities for crazy stories after this would be endless. It would be a complete dogshow, complete with people acting like dog's and whoring themselves to anyone in sight.
Now to the sophisticated, cultured, intelligent(Everything I am not) people reading this, they will argue that the cocaine would not shoot out as it needs propellant to propel it out the extinguisher. Fuck off. This is not fucking Mythbusters, so stop trying to ruin the best story ever written. EVER! Seriously, go back to the lab and never come out again.
I won't lie, this took up so much brainpower to write, I think it may be my last post ever. Seriously.
Cheers
The Honourable Sean Lloyd
That's fucked up!
I can't say I'm too intrigued by this whole Anna Nicole Smith thing. Yeah it's sad she died, but come on, did no one see it coming with all the drugs she was clearly taking?
Anyway, one of the more fucked up stories that has been circulating the internet, is the one of her and her son. Now it's so fucked up I don't even know if I should mention it. So I will.
What our conspiracy theorists brothers are telling us is that Anna actually slept with her son, who died a while back. So her baby, whatever it's name is, is the product of Anna and her son. So Anna's son is actually the father of her new baby! So this daughters brother is actually her dad! Are you getting my point?
Now obviously this is not true, but they say Anna was freaked out about this which led to her death.
I just can't help but thinking that there are people out there with too much time on their hands. I have plenty of time on my hands, but that is just excessive.
That's all(I learnt this line in The Devil Wears Prada. You can't use it. Only I can)
Anyway, one of the more fucked up stories that has been circulating the internet, is the one of her and her son. Now it's so fucked up I don't even know if I should mention it. So I will.
What our conspiracy theorists brothers are telling us is that Anna actually slept with her son, who died a while back. So her baby, whatever it's name is, is the product of Anna and her son. So Anna's son is actually the father of her new baby! So this daughters brother is actually her dad! Are you getting my point?
Now obviously this is not true, but they say Anna was freaked out about this which led to her death.
I just can't help but thinking that there are people out there with too much time on their hands. I have plenty of time on my hands, but that is just excessive.
That's all(I learnt this line in The Devil Wears Prada. You can't use it. Only I can)
What happened to the house?
I woke up this morning confused, stunned, stoned some might say. But I was not. I was just a bit lost, like something in life was missing. Some things in life should just work like clockwork. Like a clock for example. When my watch(Wrist-clock if you will) stops working, I lose my direction for a while. Well until I look at my phone anyway. But you get the point. Or you don't. Whatever.
I must be honest, getting off the topic, some things don't bother me when they don't work like clockwork. For instance, elevators. I am constantly amused(I would use "bemused" but I don't know what it means) when I see people get to an elevator and it is not working. Especially those rich Constantia moms("MILFS" if you will) They will stand there, looking it up and down, seething with botox, Prada bag in one hand, Louis Vuitton dog bag in the other, and there is where they stand. They get this confused look on their face, almost as if Tom Cruise and the apocalypse are looming down on them. Then their botox wears off, their lips go lopsided, their chin falls off and they take their first tentative step onto the elevator. Never ceases to amaze me. Way off the topic though and not relevant to anything.
So last night I was sitting in front of my TV, waiting for The House Of Carters to start. But it never did. They were showing some red carpet awards bullshit, with Ruby Wax(Who is fucking funny) They also interviewed Emily Blunt, thank God.
But yeah, the House Of Carters never started. They just missed it entirely. So 19:35 came, it went, and I was shocked. Where was Angel? Nick? Aaron? BJ?(HA HA HA!) And their other sister? It was all too strange.
So I did not see it. Here I sit, on a Monday, not knowing what the Mickey Rourke is happening. Could this mean Tom Cruise is my father? Is Oprah really the illegitimate black granddaughter of David Hasselhoff? Are those not cigarettes my friends smoke? Is it, God forbid, weed? These questions are piling up in my head, causing a large headache, all because E! did not play my show.
LOOK WHAT YOU GUYS HAVE DONE!
MY LIFE IS WORTHLESS!
WORTHLESS I TELL YOU!
Okey dokey. Where was I?
I must be honest, getting off the topic, some things don't bother me when they don't work like clockwork. For instance, elevators. I am constantly amused(I would use "bemused" but I don't know what it means) when I see people get to an elevator and it is not working. Especially those rich Constantia moms("MILFS" if you will) They will stand there, looking it up and down, seething with botox, Prada bag in one hand, Louis Vuitton dog bag in the other, and there is where they stand. They get this confused look on their face, almost as if Tom Cruise and the apocalypse are looming down on them. Then their botox wears off, their lips go lopsided, their chin falls off and they take their first tentative step onto the elevator. Never ceases to amaze me. Way off the topic though and not relevant to anything.
So last night I was sitting in front of my TV, waiting for The House Of Carters to start. But it never did. They were showing some red carpet awards bullshit, with Ruby Wax(Who is fucking funny) They also interviewed Emily Blunt, thank God.
But yeah, the House Of Carters never started. They just missed it entirely. So 19:35 came, it went, and I was shocked. Where was Angel? Nick? Aaron? BJ?(HA HA HA!) And their other sister? It was all too strange.
So I did not see it. Here I sit, on a Monday, not knowing what the Mickey Rourke is happening. Could this mean Tom Cruise is my father? Is Oprah really the illegitimate black granddaughter of David Hasselhoff? Are those not cigarettes my friends smoke? Is it, God forbid, weed? These questions are piling up in my head, causing a large headache, all because E! did not play my show.
LOOK WHAT YOU GUYS HAVE DONE!
MY LIFE IS WORTHLESS!
WORTHLESS I TELL YOU!
Okey dokey. Where was I?
What a gay weekend!
I write this on Sunday, but shall set the day for the post to Monday because I can. The photo above is one similiar to the rainstorm described in this post. I may be exaggerating with this photo, but bear in mind that I was in a very gay state of mind this whole weekend.
I was looking over what I achieved this weekend and I realised I had achieved sweet fuck all! Saturday was spent listening to VH1's top 50 love songs. Shit, I was emotional. So emotional and touched by all these songs that for a moment I considered actually cleaning up my act and getting a girlfriend. I quickly snapped back to reality realising that a girlfriend leads to those "talks", which leads to things getting serious, which leads to marriage, which leads to kids, which leads to my once tight assed wife refusing to lose the baby weight, which leads to me being depressed, and all of this leads to FUCK ALL MONEY IN THE BANK!
And as we know, money can in fact buy happiness. Someone told me this the other day "People who say money can't buy happiness obviously don't have enough money" I nodded, because this is so true.
Then I realised that my Sunday was gay. Not gay as in happy, but gay as in George Michael.
I met BMP just past Camps Bay for an early morning cycle in an effort to win the Argus. However, after only getting to bed at 2am and having to wake up at 4:30am, cycling was not feeling good in my mind. I only got to bed at 2am after my neighbours fucking dog kept barking, which ended in us ringing their door bell at 1:30am telling them to shut the fucking dog up before I come in there and personally see to everyones death. I swear to God, alsatians are gay. This dog has the gayest bark in the world and just barks at nothing. I bet you that that dog smokes pole. I can actually guarantee it. So that's where the days gayness started, with a gay dog at 1:30am.
So onto the cycle. We arrived, both tired, and saw a rainstorm the size of Mars approaching us. Sitting there in cycling shorts and tight shirts my immediate thought was "Fuck, I'm actually going to die today next to a friend of mine. We are both wearing spandex and when the authorities find us dead, they are going to think these early morning rides were an excuse for us to get together without anyone around because we were actually gay lovers" This thought shocked my brain. Luckily BMP was just worried about the cold, and we decided that a ride was not in order. While we packed away our stuff, after only just unpacking it, we saw loads of cyclists riding past, going towards the rain, like a bunch of fools. We also then set off into the rain, in our cars of course. So that was the ride. A very gay one.
Then I got home and thought I would watch the DVD that I had hired the previous day. It was about 7:30 am now and I had not finished watching the movie because I had fallen asleep watching it on the couch(I have to write this. As I type, Robbie Williams "Angels" is playing on MTV. And I'm listening to it, word for word. Very gay) I had fallen asleep on the couch at about 9:30pm. On a Saturday night. Very gay.
The movie I had hired was an animation, Ant Bully. It's a kids film. A 21 year old man watching an animation on a Saturday night. Very gay.
Ant Bully, a kids film. Very very gay.
Then I fell asleep watching the cricket yesterday, in which we fucked Pakistan up, with Smith hitting a six off the last ball he faces. Classy. But seriously, I fell asleep watching the cricket at about, shit knows when but it was in the afternoon. Gay.
Then I caught myself, not even thinking, watching MTV's love songs weekend on Sunday(I mentioned this earlier didn't I?). By myself. Gay. I was eating marshmallows(No seriously, none of this is bullshit, contrary to what I suspect will be popular belief) Gay
Even worse was watching VH1's top 50 love songs on Saturday afternoon. I lost control of my emotions with songs such as Enrique Iglesias "Hero", Sade, Aerosmith's "I don't want to miss a thing", Joe Cocker(Gay name) and Van Morrison's "Have I told you lately" Gay. What an awesome day.
In Enriques "Hero" he gets the fuck kicked out of him by Mickey Rourke, but then still survives to see Jennifer Love Hewitt later in the video. Can you imagine giving a chick a bracelet that you saved for her after Mickey "Fucking" Rourke kicked your ass to the ground? That guarantees you action from her for life even if you end up selling bracelets on the side of the road after gaining an horrendous tik addiction that leaves you with a lazy eye and a gimp leg.
Then when people drive past and laugh saying "Look there is that has been drug addict loser" ,you can then just shout back, at the top of your Tik toasted lungs "Fuck you mother fuckers! I'm still fucking Jennifer Love Hewitt!"
God, I have totally lost my composure on this post, I don't even know where it is going anymore. Hope you enjoyed it as much as I remember writing it. Whatever that last sentence meant.
Sunday, February 11, 2007
Little goddess I found
I often find myself in a situation like this on a Sunday. Weekends are crazy with everyone wanting to spend time with me, fans bashing down my door like they are trying to bash out of the gates of hell and general mayhem caused in my wake. Then it all dies down and I get depressed. I'm kind of a pseudo celebrity. When there are people around me, I want to wave my Harry Pothead wand and make them go away. But then when I am without company, I crave it. And so now I crave it. Actually I don't know if "it" is what I crave. But I want something. So here I sit trawling the depths of the internet like a Japanese trawler trawls the depth of the oceans for turtles and sharks.
With E! Entertainment playing in the background, I saw that chick from The Devil Wears Prada and had to find out more about this devil. Gosh she is hot. I found out her name is Emily Blunt, she was born on February 23, 1983(Only two years older than me!YES!) Remind me to send her a birthday wish in about 12 days. To be honest, I don't buy the thing about her being 23(Please tell me if I'm wrong, I am horrendous with working out how old people are if they give me their birth date. Yes, I am that fucking stupid) Look at her, the maturity in her eyes, the sexiness, the dirtiness...It bends my mind to think that age wise, she is in my reach.
Apparently she is seeing Michael Buble, which completely stuns me. Somewhere out there in the universe, the stars are turning, twisting, morphing, and the star sign chick from YOU magazine is going to blind me next week with my Horoscope saying I was meant for Emily Blunt. YOU magazine comes out on a Friday(Well, so people say) The lottery is on Wednesday.
It is going to be one hell of a week. On Wednesday, I shall be a millionaire.
On Friday, my stars shall align and I shall hook up with Emily Blunt.
I'm staying in bed until then, this is going to be one crazy week!
Right now I have to go and watch the House of Carters. Awesome.
Who cares if this guy smoked the reefer?
There is this whole big thing currently going on about Tory leader David Cameron, and allegations that he smoked weed. If he was caught smoking it at work, I suppose people would have reason to worry. But he did not do this.
Instead, the 40 year old was caught smoking a little herb way back in 1982 when he was 15 years old! Who cares?! This way you may as well get rid of all people in politics because I'm sure they all got fucked up drunk before they were legally allowed to. Yes, weed is illegal, but so is underage drinking. And is it really such a big deal, that as a 15 year old, he wanted to have a good time? Does it warrant all day coverage on Sky News, 25 YEARS LATER?! I mean, fuck, that news is a little bit old guys. Get over it. He is not coming out and saying he smoked weed though, which is odd considering when I saw the Sky news poll, 81% of people said they did not care if he did smoke weed. Hell, he should come out and say it and he will probably be more popular, considering the whole world smokes reefer at the moment anyway.
I'm sure if we tapped into Thabo's records, he was probably not immune to knocking back a little scotch over the weekends in standard 7. Or smashing a couple of brewskies at the weekend game when he was 17. I bet George Bush HATED to have a couple of drinks when he was young.
And so everyone did when they were young. But that's old news, it's what young people do and it would be great if Sky news would cover something more important. Like Jessica Biels bum.
Saturday, February 10, 2007
WAKE UP!
You have probably heard of Dirty South-I always see their trucker caps around at YDE and I can't remember where else. So I was looking at their website and clearly these guys made fuck loads of money because they don't work anymore. They must be living the dream on some island after raking in the cash in the early days of business. If you look on their site you will notice things such as "Hot new Brazilian bikinis and lingerie: Coming in 2005" and "2005 Dirty South New Faces Model search" Um...hello...unless I got stuck in a time machine and got sent to the future then everyone else should also be in 2007.
The scary thing is that you can still order things from their website and you can enter a competition. Yeah you bet I would trust my credit card on their site!
Guys if you read this, wipe the coke out your nose, take the tik bulb out your mouth, pull the needle out your arm and get off the beach. Then update your site, fuckers.
Oh well I guess I would do the same if I had lots of cash.
The scary thing is that you can still order things from their website and you can enter a competition. Yeah you bet I would trust my credit card on their site!
Guys if you read this, wipe the coke out your nose, take the tik bulb out your mouth, pull the needle out your arm and get off the beach. Then update your site, fuckers.
Oh well I guess I would do the same if I had lots of cash.
Ex SA cricketer linked to Fidentia
But not in the scandalous way you are thinking!
I just went to the PO Box, where I take delivery of various packages containing various things, and picked up my Sports Illustrated. In it there is a small section called "Legends of the ball" They basically find out what ex cricketers are doing these days. In Meyrick Pringles case, it seems nothing.
You may recall him as the former SA swing bowler, and I actually do remember him which is remarkable. I don't know when this article was written but the first question posed to him is "What are you up to these days?"
His answer? This is it: "I work for Fidentia as the customer relations manager, and have been doing so for the past three years"
Mmmm...interesting. Good luck in trying to keep the customer relations going! That is going to be one hell of a job. I can imagine customers are quite happy with the way business is going.
Sure.
I just went to the PO Box, where I take delivery of various packages containing various things, and picked up my Sports Illustrated. In it there is a small section called "Legends of the ball" They basically find out what ex cricketers are doing these days. In Meyrick Pringles case, it seems nothing.
You may recall him as the former SA swing bowler, and I actually do remember him which is remarkable. I don't know when this article was written but the first question posed to him is "What are you up to these days?"
His answer? This is it: "I work for Fidentia as the customer relations manager, and have been doing so for the past three years"
Mmmm...interesting. Good luck in trying to keep the customer relations going! That is going to be one hell of a job. I can imagine customers are quite happy with the way business is going.
Sure.
Fidentia marketing team continue to dazzle
If you read my previous post, you will know about Fidentia. Or you will just know about them by moving away from the confines of your house. Or you will just know about them because they are dominating the news. Anyway, when a company steals money on such a large scale you would expect their advertising to be pulled.
Like when Kate Moss was caught doing a bit of nose candy, many of her advertising campaigns were pulled. Clearly Fidentia are stronger than this, and continue to have their name shown in cricket grounds. Today's story is by far the best one.
A friend of mine, Andre, after reading yesterdays post, told me that outside Newlands cricket ground they were putting up posters for the game between the Cobras and the Fidentia Warriors. Now I am inclined to believe what friends tell me, but this was too good to be true! Anyway, I made my way to Newlands, and it was true!
You can go watch the Fidentia Warriors play the Nashua Cape Cobras on the 25 February at 2:30pm. What great advertising for Fidentia, having their own cricket team.
How does this all happen? SURELY they cannot possibly still be able to sponsor a cricket team? Surely their name should be pulled from this team's jersey and from the team altogether? Is it possible that the Fidentia Warriors have been training at a high altitude centre somewhere far away, and are currently unaware what shit their boys Fidentia are in? I can't answer these questions, but they do intrigue me.
As I said earlier, their advertising team are gurus. My friend Mike is in advertising, and if he could tap into their brains, I have no doubt he will be a millionaire by Monday.
Friday, February 09, 2007
Fidentia still in the game
You will by now all know of the Fidentia scam where some R680 million is "missing" Money taken from orphans and widows. But even as the scam unfolds, and business halts, these guys are still putting their name out there.
Clearly their advertising department are relentless. Or somebody at the cricket is stupid. I have just been watching SA play Pakistan and I noticed on one of the railings, right next to a Coca Cola advert, a Fidentia signboard. It was perfectly captured as Jacques Kallis tried to save a four, which was unsuccessful. Clearly though, with the game being in PE, they have no idea about the Fidentia scam.
They probably think Fidentia are a dental lab, dealing in dentures.
If we can get the name of Fidentias advertising department who managed to keep this sign up, I think we may be onto the best advertising gurus in the country.
Clearly their advertising department are relentless. Or somebody at the cricket is stupid. I have just been watching SA play Pakistan and I noticed on one of the railings, right next to a Coca Cola advert, a Fidentia signboard. It was perfectly captured as Jacques Kallis tried to save a four, which was unsuccessful. Clearly though, with the game being in PE, they have no idea about the Fidentia scam.
They probably think Fidentia are a dental lab, dealing in dentures.
If we can get the name of Fidentias advertising department who managed to keep this sign up, I think we may be onto the best advertising gurus in the country.
BAR-B-Q sauce that bee-hind
This is the bum I am talking about. I was just sent this by a friend, Mike. This photo perfectly illustrates what I look for in a woman, and what I don't. All in one picture, you say? Yes. Look at Jessice Biel. Notice her ass(Yes it is looking big, but it's good. And those photos always make it look bigger. But I bet it's harder than diamonds. I'm thinking "spit roast" right about now) I don't know what I just wrote in brackets, I blacked out on roofies.
Now notice her legs. Yes, athletic. Yes yes yes to everything about them. Then notice the legs in the background. This is where the "That is not what I want" part of my story comes in. Call me mean, call me cruel. Fuck it, if you look like Jessica Biel, or in fact are Jessica Biel, just call me. Slap me around and call me your filthy cabana boy who is in need of much cleaning and punishment. Call me on my cellphone. For the love of God, just call me...
Things I could tell you
I could tell you that the weather is shit today, and that I had just washed my car yesterday.
I could tell you that Anna Nicole Smith died yesterday, aged 39.
I could tell you that some obscure people are playing at Kirstenbosch on Sunday, The Cape Town Highlanders, and therefore I am pleased for the rain.
But I won't tell you any of this. What I will tell you is to keep an eye out for the Kim Kardashian sex tape. Look at the photo below and realise why she "is nice!"
I will also offer something to look at on this not so fine day of the year. It is when the weather is shit like this that I want to be on the beach more than ever. And what better than to offer you a picture of the beach, with a woman on that beach? I want to be on that Malibu beach. Mind you, I want to be on Kristin Cavallari
Then for the women out there, apparently you think this guy is hot. Matthew McConaughey.Personally I think he looks more like the wild man of Borneo than Brad Pitt. But hey, if the rugged Camel man is the type you are after(Or just money) then you are spot on.
With Kristin you get the whole package. Fit body, loads of dollars, probably a slight bitch at times but hey, I can't complain about that. When you sit in your office or wherever you sit, just imagine being in Malibu now, on the beach, with these people. Shit that feels good.
You know it does
I could tell you that Anna Nicole Smith died yesterday, aged 39.
I could tell you that some obscure people are playing at Kirstenbosch on Sunday, The Cape Town Highlanders, and therefore I am pleased for the rain.
But I won't tell you any of this. What I will tell you is to keep an eye out for the Kim Kardashian sex tape. Look at the photo below and realise why she "is nice!"
I will also offer something to look at on this not so fine day of the year. It is when the weather is shit like this that I want to be on the beach more than ever. And what better than to offer you a picture of the beach, with a woman on that beach? I want to be on that Malibu beach. Mind you, I want to be on Kristin Cavallari
Then for the women out there, apparently you think this guy is hot. Matthew McConaughey.Personally I think he looks more like the wild man of Borneo than Brad Pitt. But hey, if the rugged Camel man is the type you are after(Or just money) then you are spot on.
With Kristin you get the whole package. Fit body, loads of dollars, probably a slight bitch at times but hey, I can't complain about that. When you sit in your office or wherever you sit, just imagine being in Malibu now, on the beach, with these people. Shit that feels good.
You know it does
Thursday, February 08, 2007
La Lohan unplugged
I have always had a thing for Lindsay Lohan. Yeah she is not your typical beauty, she has a couple of freckles, cuts her wrists, drinks, smokes, misses work etc. I'm sure she partakes in a bit of pot smoking as well. But maybe I am the caring type and want to hold her in my arms, rock her gently, sing her a lullaby, kiss her neck, get her wrecked on roofies and take advantage...
GFGNNENGDXXDSDWD #$634#$%^#$
Black
Out
Can't
See
Sorry about that, I just blacked out. Forget that thing about roofies, I was not able to control myself during my blackout. It's just a joke this whole roofie thing(Or is it?)
Anyway I like Lindsay, a lot, but the photo above is a bit of a shocker. Instead, my new thing is Jessica Biel. Or Jessica Biels bum at least. Enjoy little ones.
If you look closely at her bum bum you will see it is a very nice bum bum.
Man, how I would love to slap some barbecue sauce on that BEE-HIND!
Tough days in my world
Look living like I do is not always the easiest thing and so one or two days go by where I don't write, eat, drink, smoke weed, the normal everyday things.
For instance, on Tuesday I was forced by forces beyond my control to head down to the pool at Kelvin and put my body on the line in the sun. Fuck it was great. Then yesterday morning I was up at 5am to leave for a mountain bike ride. I started riding at about 5:50 and the photo above was taken at 6:21. So life is not always easy, it's very busy sometimes. Then in the afternoon I headed to Kelvin again where I once again put the vibe out, smashed a cooldrink, watched a spot of cricket and did some very deep thinking. I actually thought of something two days ago that is so remarkable, so intriguing, so marvellous and so original that I have only told myself. I don't want to let the secret out in case the idea is stolen. Often people steal lines that I use. For instance one year when I was kicking it old school in Rome with my homeboys, we were sitting at a table in a restaurant and the waitress asked "Would you like another glass of wine, Barron Lloyd?" To which I replied, "Well, when in Rome" This caught on very quickly and now everyone uses it.
Often when people meet me they say "Good God, I thought you only existed in myth!" And so this makes life even more challenging, having to explain to the mad crowds that I am indeed just like other people. I also make money grow on trees, pull Brazilian supermodels and have a slight addiction to various chemicals. So you see I am just like you.
I am suffering from a mild case of heat and sleep exhaustion and so the above was written while I was partially blacked out. I took a tablet to wake up but I by mishtake shlipped myshelf a roofie...I'm tired now I musht go...bye by
Wednesday, February 07, 2007
I don't like naked men on my site
You have seen this photo already and I'm not too proud of having it on my site and it was a harrowing experience getting it. I stumbled upon some gay websites like Queerty and Generation Q which was disturbing. Look, if that's your thing it does not worry me, but it's not my thing. For my thing go to the "La Lohan post"
Anyway I don't know what the fuss is about because I still win. Here are my reasons why in a duel, Sean vs Daniel, I win.
1- I am clearly more tanned than Daniel. While he wastes away in London, I turn Mexican along the shores of Cape Town
2- His name is Daniel, mine is Sean. Sean is WAY cooler, so I win.
3- I am still referred to as "Barron" "Enigma" or "Prodigy" He is just the guy that in real life never fucked Emma Watson(Hermione in the Pothead series)
4-I'm not featured on gay websites(Once again, no offence, but Jessica Biels bum is my thing)
5- I am a member of Kelvin Grove. Where is your little membership card, DANIEL?
6- I don't have to live with the fact that I nearly got to come right with Emma Watson. Instead, with me there was no chance, and therefore no broken heart at not pulling her.
7- I am just me, so on that alone I win
8-Look at the photo of me below. A sullen look on my face, pondering the future. On that photo alone I WIN DANIEL!
There you have it
Sean: 8
Daniel:0
Sean wins by knockout
Monday, February 05, 2007
Ahhh...good times
Shit, yesterday was just excessive. I woke at 4am so I could leave my house at 5am to be in Camps Bay by 5:30 am. So I was not even thinking of there being traffic, naturally. Until I got to the bottom of Kloof Nek and actually got stuck in traffic. This was at about 5:20am. There was some stupid run on and there were hideous people in those running shorts I hate with those vests I despise. Anyway, realising who I was they moved the FUCK out the way to let me get through and do my work.
So I was driving past Caprice in Camps Bay and for once there were no pretentious people there. Probably because there were no people there. Then I noticed two cars, evidently trying to copy the very Beast I drive. Two Formula 1 style cars were parked outside Caprice so I took some photos. Funny enough while my cameras flash was going off I did not wake the security guard. Bizarre.
I got a nice photo of the F1 style car, and I managed to get the VR3 captured in the background. Or silhouetted should I say. Anyway, I had no time to waste looking at these amateur cars as the VR3 was idling, and it hates sitting for too long. That car was meant for fast speeds, crazy drugs and loads of women shoved in the boot.
So off I went and took some more photos. Camps Bay and Bakoven are cool and all that, but fuck me they are disgusting in the morning. Every parking lot along the ocean has cars parked there that are shaking while some rich businessman shags some filthy hooker in his Merc. You sick fuckers. Get a real life.
Anyway I cycled from Camps Bay area to Noordhoek with Mike, which was not so clever because I think we forgot we had to cycle back. Then there was some pimp on Noordhoek beach just riding his horse. CAN YOU IMAGINE how much action he must get? Imagine saying that you took your horse for a gallop along the beach while your silky smooth locks flowed in the wind? Imagine adding to this that your butler, Jones, was waiting for you at home with some fresh pineapple juice and one hell of a breakfast? Add in that you are not Sir or Mr, but rather a “Barron” and you are sorted with the women. Forever. What a life, what a life.
Yeah, that was good times on Sunday. Good times. Then we went through to the Pink Palace of Porn yesterday in Blaauwberg(Do you spell it like that?) and had a braai, where I took a photo of the mountain, glorious.
Oh yes, we did do all of that in one day. Remarkable.
So I was driving past Caprice in Camps Bay and for once there were no pretentious people there. Probably because there were no people there. Then I noticed two cars, evidently trying to copy the very Beast I drive. Two Formula 1 style cars were parked outside Caprice so I took some photos. Funny enough while my cameras flash was going off I did not wake the security guard. Bizarre.
I got a nice photo of the F1 style car, and I managed to get the VR3 captured in the background. Or silhouetted should I say. Anyway, I had no time to waste looking at these amateur cars as the VR3 was idling, and it hates sitting for too long. That car was meant for fast speeds, crazy drugs and loads of women shoved in the boot.
So off I went and took some more photos. Camps Bay and Bakoven are cool and all that, but fuck me they are disgusting in the morning. Every parking lot along the ocean has cars parked there that are shaking while some rich businessman shags some filthy hooker in his Merc. You sick fuckers. Get a real life.
Anyway I cycled from Camps Bay area to Noordhoek with Mike, which was not so clever because I think we forgot we had to cycle back. Then there was some pimp on Noordhoek beach just riding his horse. CAN YOU IMAGINE how much action he must get? Imagine saying that you took your horse for a gallop along the beach while your silky smooth locks flowed in the wind? Imagine adding to this that your butler, Jones, was waiting for you at home with some fresh pineapple juice and one hell of a breakfast? Add in that you are not Sir or Mr, but rather a “Barron” and you are sorted with the women. Forever. What a life, what a life.
Yeah, that was good times on Sunday. Good times. Then we went through to the Pink Palace of Porn yesterday in Blaauwberg(Do you spell it like that?) and had a braai, where I took a photo of the mountain, glorious.
Oh yes, we did do all of that in one day. Remarkable.
Sunday, February 04, 2007
Does Jamie Foxx sport a passion gap?
I have been wondering this for a while, but never ever wrote on it. Looking at Jamie Foxx on the TV, it seriously looks like his two front teeth are fake. Almost like in Delft and the Cape Flats where your teeth are hammered out(Or po*%ed out as they say)
Seriously though, it it possible that he smoked pole before becoming a famous actor? I know when I drive down Claremont Main Road, that all those crack whores have passion gaps. It's good for business. Most of those birds on Main Road are not women, but rather men. I saw one "Chick" with arms bigger than Hulk Hogans. She will FUCK you up. Never mind a pimp, she will end you if you don't pay her her 50 cents or whatever she charges for a full house.
I think Jamie, who says he is, the these days trendy "African American"(Since when are you African when you have never set foot in the land? My mom is Dutch and I don't go running around smoking pot at coffee shops and saying I am a distant relative of Goldmember) could rather be "Delft-American"
Sometimes you can just see when people have false teeth. Like that secretary in the American version of The Office now airing in SA, it looks like she has some falsies.
All the better to make the boss happy with...
Saturday, February 03, 2007
The lady in my head
Kind of sounds like the lady in red
I was just listening to Chris DeBurghs Lady In Red (Just connecting with the Barry White inside of me. Or possibly the Barry Gibb. Maybe Marvin Gaye? Prince even?) when it occurred to me that his daughter is a belter. I have much knowledge inside my head and it comes out at the most random of times. Like right now for instance. I remember his daughter winning something. So I Googled her(That's now why she has a lazy eye) and found out that she won Miss World in 2003. Well that's the year I found on some random website. It could be 2004, but I don't really care.
She is fantastic though, Chris is definitely living the life. He sings romantic songs, after which he shags every lady in Ireland(Just made that up but it's probably true) and then goes on to have a very nice looking daughter.
Life must suck for Chris.
But Rosanna is fantastic, very easy on the eye, probably a bit of a rabid cheetah in bed and most notably. FUCKING RICH.
Pretty much all you could ever want in a woman.
Now get back to washing those dishes, Rosanna...(Once again a very unfunny, sexist joke. Why do I do this the whole time? Because I can)
Joost and Amor fuck YOU..again
After deciding to smash Sobhar last night...Wait...rewind.
I went to Kelvin Grove last night to go kick it old school with the crooners. How embarrassing then that in a place where the average age is about 50, I knew some people. Terrible. Then after Kelvin a move was made to Sobhar, where the party was not happening at all. Seriously there were not even enough people for a pants party. Fuck that.
So we still stayed there until 2am, just because we could. Then it was decided that some people wanted to go smoke those funny bushes that grow behind the church. I passed, rather favouring to send my tanned body to Tin Roof, where I could hook up with 16 year old school girls at the click of a finger.
It was terrible there, a couple of chicks who were not worthy of writing home about and then I actually bumped into some people I knew. Yes, I do know people. Oddly enough.
I actually only saw two people I knew though, not nearly enough to warrant a good old fashioned sex party(I'm kind of losing it right about now, you don't need to read on)
Then I woke up this morning to find the YOU magazine placed in my basin. I'm quite used to waking up in a bucketful of cocaine, with a broken tree stump next to me and a bottle of Aloe hand lotion on my chest, but seeing a YOU magazine in my basin is just weird, fucking weird. I opened it up and guess who is in it.
Yes I know you know.
Joost and Amor.
They were in it this time because it was their son's birthday. Woo-frikkity-hoo. They must be sleeping with someone at YOU, because they get at least a full page spread for anything they do. I swear Joost had a photo shoot taken for the launch of his fucking new car registration plates. They pretty much whore themselves to that magazine. Ahhh... the life a so called South African “celebrity”. Fuck all to celebrate about any of them to be honest.
Just look at their family. A picture of bliss. Only because they are thinking “Fuck yeah, we robbing YOU blind! R20000 for that shoot, going to rob that bitch next month again!”
And I'm totally and utterly spent, I have now officially spent too much time writing about Joost and Amor.
By the way if you are wondering which song I'm listening to as I write this, it's Aerosmith.
Aerosmith's "I don't want to miss a thing"
What an emotional song.
Brings a tear to my eye everytime.
No I lie, I'm actually wailing in tears now.
Friday, February 02, 2007
My little excursion to Dis-Chem
I make many trips around the land to pick up bits and pieces. I have just got back from the Dis Chem Pharmacy in Canal Walk, where I went to buy some roofies so that I can come right tonight(Once again Sean...NOT a funny joke...so don't laugh anyone...knew you wouldn't anyway)
Anyway I walk past the supplement section where the two biggest numb skulls ever were standing. You have to go and see this for yourself, it's fucking funny. There were two incredibly ripped mother fuckers, wearing T-Shirts with USN and all that other crap on them. They were just standing there, in silence, watching the TV where there was a weight lifting video on. They were watching a guy do arm curls. Oh my fuck that is exciting!
NOT!
These guys may be really big, people may be really impressed by their muscle, but sweet Jesus they are stupid people. That is the epitome of stupid. Imagine being turned on by weights. Even better than these two guys, I was paging through Arnold Schwarzeneggers book a while back and he says that when lifting weights it felt like he was coming! Ha! That is ludicrous! So next time you walk past a big guy lifting weights in gym, just know that he is coming. Fuck that's disgusting, I cant believe I write such filth. It's quite amusing though.
Anyway, back to these pharmacy guys:Two grown men watching another grown man lift a weight with his arm. Absolutely mind boggling. You must go there to experience it, it's so funny in real life I bet you will piss your pants, I nearly did!
Shit, what a day, what a day.
Good times.
Anyway I walk past the supplement section where the two biggest numb skulls ever were standing. You have to go and see this for yourself, it's fucking funny. There were two incredibly ripped mother fuckers, wearing T-Shirts with USN and all that other crap on them. They were just standing there, in silence, watching the TV where there was a weight lifting video on. They were watching a guy do arm curls. Oh my fuck that is exciting!
NOT!
These guys may be really big, people may be really impressed by their muscle, but sweet Jesus they are stupid people. That is the epitome of stupid. Imagine being turned on by weights. Even better than these two guys, I was paging through Arnold Schwarzeneggers book a while back and he says that when lifting weights it felt like he was coming! Ha! That is ludicrous! So next time you walk past a big guy lifting weights in gym, just know that he is coming. Fuck that's disgusting, I cant believe I write such filth. It's quite amusing though.
Anyway, back to these pharmacy guys:Two grown men watching another grown man lift a weight with his arm. Absolutely mind boggling. You must go there to experience it, it's so funny in real life I bet you will piss your pants, I nearly did!
Shit, what a day, what a day.
Good times.
This goes nicely with the house
While we are going completely off our heads, and this is also from Forbes(Shit I love that site), we have a nice little boat to row across the ocean.
This is the exact wording from the site:
For Adventurers
The boat: Absinthe
The itinerary: Alaska
The damage: $168,000/week
With just eight cabins but a crew of 19, including two chefs who will cook your freshly-caught fish or crab, Absinthe offers the ultimate in pampered adventure. There's an on-board helicopter for land excursions and a lavish sky lounge with big windows and sleek wood paneling. Each stateroom has its own flat-screen television and Internet access.
Good fucking grief! It's got it's own helicopter! I want to sleep with that boat. You read right. I don't want to sleep in it, I want to sleep with it. At over R1 million a week, it's a small price to pay for getting as much ass as you can fit on the boat. Glorious. It's also aptly named Absinthe, the drink that fucks you up. And I guarantee, after going on this boat, you will be all fucked up.
Nice student digs
I was just browsing the Forbes website wondering what to buy, what not to buy, what to hold, what to sell and so on and so forth. Then I came across a house. An expensive house. A fucking expensive house. I was shocked when I saw a house near Clifton that sold for R30-something-million. Try checking this house out for $155 million. That's like R1 billion rand for a house. That's excessive.
Paste this into your browser and stare in awe. When you get to the page just remember to press the pause button on the slide show otherwise it shows a new photo of the house at a rapid rate and is fucking irritating.
http://www.forbes.com/2007/01/24/most-expensive-home-forbeslife-cx_kd_0125blixseth_slide.html?partner=stab3
Thursday, February 01, 2007
That is silly
This is copied straight from Yahoo news:
PEQUANNOCK, N.J. - Some teenagers who drink over the weekend could be in big trouble come Monday morning: A New Jersey school district plans to institute random urine tests capable of detecting whether alcohol was consumed up to 80 hours earlier.
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Pequannock Township High, with about 800 students, said it will begin administering the tests next Monday.
That is just being stupid. What is the point of doing a test that will pick up booze up to three days later, when the student is sober? Let the kids get fucked up on a Friday night, it's what everyone else has done through the ages and we turned out alright(Well, nearly) Can you imagine getting in trouble at school on a Monday for getting wasted on Friday night? My whole school would have been suspended. This is a stupid rule that makes no sense to anyone.
That also means you can't have a little tipple at school like my friend Mike used to do. Occasionally he would drink this chinese beer as teachers were walking past because it looked like cooldrink. What. A. Legend.
Let them fuck a bottle of Jack up on the weekend if they want to.
This is ridiculous
If this comes to S.A schools our education system will crash entirely
Wednesday, January 31, 2007
SLXS needs drug rehab
Has anybody been noticing that the ad's on this site are all about drug rehab? God, it's totally whack. Am I that bad? What's wrong with the odd bit of Tik out of my parents front door's light bulb?
ARE DRUGS A CRIME?!!!
Somebody, please tell me if they are, because then I'm sorry.
Cocaine is one hell of a drug, but does it warrant every ad on my site being about crack and whores and crystal meth and waking up naked next to a dead deer only to find a cricket bat that has been broken in half lying on your stomach while a midget in a gimp suit tickles your toes with a feather while wearing a mink coat?
Shit I'm emotional today
ARE DRUGS A CRIME?!!!
Somebody, please tell me if they are, because then I'm sorry.
Cocaine is one hell of a drug, but does it warrant every ad on my site being about crack and whores and crystal meth and waking up naked next to a dead deer only to find a cricket bat that has been broken in half lying on your stomach while a midget in a gimp suit tickles your toes with a feather while wearing a mink coat?
Shit I'm emotional today
Bobbie Thomas
While I was watching E! Entertainment now, Bobbie Thomas, senior editor of In Style Weekly came on and blew my mind. I have seen her before but never gave her a mention.
She is a goddess walking amongst us mere mortals. Honestly, she is so smoking hot I'm finding it hard to type. Not many people know of her because she does not whore herself like the other celebrities do.
Now the photo above is a perfect example of her fineness. If I just had to Photoshop fuckhead next to her out of the picture, it would go nicely into the wank bank(Jokes! Or was that a joke...bizarre)
So I just thought that I should let you all know of Bobbie Thomas. She is way under rated, seems pretty cool and if you make her popular enough we will see in her Playboy anytime soon. Nice!
Bobbie, you're a goddess.
I love you
I want to marry you
I will pay your bills
Sorry I'm getting WAY too emotional here, I need to go now
Tuesday, January 30, 2007
This women is fucked in the head
I love that headline
There is an article in the YOU magazine(Not mine, naturally) and it's about dogs and giving them special treats. The article starts off as follows:
Riff-Raff's mouth starts to water as he talks about his food(This article was already starting to lose me over here-Sean) “I love boiled chicken, not overdone, on rice with vegetables,” the five year old Husky says.”Green beans, carrots and butternut. I'm not mad about dog biscuits. Roast beef-that's my favourite.”
Riff Raff belongs to Jenny Shone of Walkerville, south of Johannesburg. She's conducting a telepathic interview with him especially for YOU.
FUCK. ME. From the magazine that is the home Of Joost and Amor(Who are probably more irritating than this fucking dog whisperer) and these days Minki and all the guys she hooks up with, this is seriously scraping around the whore house for a story. Every time Minki picks some new guy, she gets in the YOU magazine. Talk about desperate. Now this dog whisperer is clearly desperate as well.
Anyway, this story is even a new low for YOU magazine. You can't for one second, Jenny, tell me that you can hear your dogs speaking. Because, unless you are currently attached to a Tik bulb, you will realise DOGS DONT SPEAK. Don't try be fucking clever and try make me believe that what you do is not a scam. I know YOU magazine in only R10,95, and therefore might not cater for the most intelligent people, but you can't even fool the dumb with this bullshit. This is budget journalism. Jenny, can I ask you what I'm thinking right now? Oh you don't know? Well let me let you in on my thoughts.
You're a psychotic mad person crack head, who every once in a while needs to leave the house and realise there is a whole world out there. A world full of intelligent people that know that you are trying to screw them over. Seriously, just because your rubbish is in a magazine, does not make it true. But it does make you an A class con artist(In your mind)
In my mind you are cooked in the head. Some of my friends smoke more weed than Willie Nelson, and even they will realise that you are not for real. In my mind, you are a crack addict.
I can't believe this story actually appeared in a magazine. Oh, Jenny, FedEx me some of that crack you smoking, that shit is whack.
There is an article in the YOU magazine(Not mine, naturally) and it's about dogs and giving them special treats. The article starts off as follows:
Riff-Raff's mouth starts to water as he talks about his food(This article was already starting to lose me over here-Sean) “I love boiled chicken, not overdone, on rice with vegetables,” the five year old Husky says.”Green beans, carrots and butternut. I'm not mad about dog biscuits. Roast beef-that's my favourite.”
Riff Raff belongs to Jenny Shone of Walkerville, south of Johannesburg. She's conducting a telepathic interview with him especially for YOU.
FUCK. ME. From the magazine that is the home Of Joost and Amor(Who are probably more irritating than this fucking dog whisperer) and these days Minki and all the guys she hooks up with, this is seriously scraping around the whore house for a story. Every time Minki picks some new guy, she gets in the YOU magazine. Talk about desperate. Now this dog whisperer is clearly desperate as well.
Anyway, this story is even a new low for YOU magazine. You can't for one second, Jenny, tell me that you can hear your dogs speaking. Because, unless you are currently attached to a Tik bulb, you will realise DOGS DONT SPEAK. Don't try be fucking clever and try make me believe that what you do is not a scam. I know YOU magazine in only R10,95, and therefore might not cater for the most intelligent people, but you can't even fool the dumb with this bullshit. This is budget journalism. Jenny, can I ask you what I'm thinking right now? Oh you don't know? Well let me let you in on my thoughts.
You're a psychotic mad person crack head, who every once in a while needs to leave the house and realise there is a whole world out there. A world full of intelligent people that know that you are trying to screw them over. Seriously, just because your rubbish is in a magazine, does not make it true. But it does make you an A class con artist(In your mind)
In my mind you are cooked in the head. Some of my friends smoke more weed than Willie Nelson, and even they will realise that you are not for real. In my mind, you are a crack addict.
I can't believe this story actually appeared in a magazine. Oh, Jenny, FedEx me some of that crack you smoking, that shit is whack.
What a whore(I'm a bad person for saying that)
This from MSNBC:
Britney Spears’s friends believe that the baby-popping singer may be pregnant again, according to In Touch Weekly.
The friends’ concern may help to explain why Spears seems not to have lost any of her pregnancy weight and why she has been getting sick lately. In one widely circulated photo, Spears was shown throwing up peanut butter and reports said she had been drinking, but according to ITW, Spears has been skipping the booze.
Jesus Brit! Now I'm not usually into writing about this celebrity bullshit unless it's really worth it. But firstly, she is fucking like a racehorse, and then chundering up peanut butter! I know someone who once vomited while he was out and then said, totally seriously, "Why don't chicks dig me?" It has now become a classic line between me and my friends. Can you imagine Britney chundering up peanut butter then going "Why don't guys dig me?" I have the most fucked up picture in my head. I saw the photos on www.X17online.com and it does not look like she vomited the peanut butter up, but it's a good story anyway.
Everybody in Hollywood loves to get pregnant. I need some cash so I think a weekend in L.A might be worthwhile. Give Lindsay Lohan a good seeing to after plying her with Jack 'n Lime, get her pregnant, marry her Las Vegas style and then claim copious amounts of money and head the fuck home to S.A to buy my Llandudno house. This is a foolproof way of living life excessively.
Britney Spears’s friends believe that the baby-popping singer may be pregnant again, according to In Touch Weekly.
The friends’ concern may help to explain why Spears seems not to have lost any of her pregnancy weight and why she has been getting sick lately. In one widely circulated photo, Spears was shown throwing up peanut butter and reports said she had been drinking, but according to ITW, Spears has been skipping the booze.
Jesus Brit! Now I'm not usually into writing about this celebrity bullshit unless it's really worth it. But firstly, she is fucking like a racehorse, and then chundering up peanut butter! I know someone who once vomited while he was out and then said, totally seriously, "Why don't chicks dig me?" It has now become a classic line between me and my friends. Can you imagine Britney chundering up peanut butter then going "Why don't guys dig me?" I have the most fucked up picture in my head. I saw the photos on www.X17online.com and it does not look like she vomited the peanut butter up, but it's a good story anyway.
Everybody in Hollywood loves to get pregnant. I need some cash so I think a weekend in L.A might be worthwhile. Give Lindsay Lohan a good seeing to after plying her with Jack 'n Lime, get her pregnant, marry her Las Vegas style and then claim copious amounts of money and head the fuck home to S.A to buy my Llandudno house. This is a foolproof way of living life excessively.
Beerfest
That's the Broken Lizard crew I once knew
A few years ago when I stumbled upon the movie Super Troopers, I decided it was the funniest film I had ever seen. I still rate that film as one of the greatest comedies ever. When it came out I had never heard of it, there was no media hype, there were no famous actors in it and the video store only carried a couple of copies. I thought it was a hidden secret. It turned out to be a classic, written by a crew of people who call themselves Broken Lizard.
You will know that after Super Troopers, that same group of guys made a film called Club Dread, which was probably not their finest hour. Now comes Beerfest where two brothers need to deliver their grandfathers ashed to somewhere or other. Anyway, these guys at this underground Oktoberfest, called Beerfest, break the urn with his ashes in it.
They decide they want revenge and want to outdrink these Germans. So they embark on a one year training plan to compete in Beerfest. Some of the funniest scenes are when Ramathorn (I only know their Super Troopers names) wakes up naked next an dead animal, to which he says “Ah no, not again” and runs off into the bushes.
There is also a classic scene with him where he sinks all the balls on a pool table-with one shot. And it's a handed shot.
The movie started off a bit slow but once it got started it was funny. I have been reading reviews on it and they all say it's not that funny, but I enjoyed it. It's definitely worth a watch, even just to see Farva as a guy they call “Landfill” because he drinks and eats so much.
Good times, good times.
You can check out their MySpace page at: http://www.myspace.com/therealbrokenlizard
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