It's a vortex implosion!

Look, I wouldn’t say I’m gullible but I tend to believe what people tell me because I trust people won’t lie to me. Because (I can still remember my English teacher saying “Never start a sentence with ‘because’” Well guess what? I just did. So there.) they know if they lie to me I will send them an e-mail entitled “Britneys growler: HI RES!” And I know we don’t want to see that again. But as much as I trust people to tell the truth, I know when you are telling a top class bullshit story. And so I have just read an interview in Cape Chat about oxygenized water. To help enlighten you on this water, I stole a quote from Dr Chabad, the National Distributor of Aqua Amino Water.

Cape Chat: What is so amazing about it (the water)?

Dr Chabad: It is living water!(Loving the exclamation mark-Sean) Aqua Amino water has undergone a vortex implosion(Jesus) restoring water to it’s original crystal pureness. The technology used (Gara technology) applies electro-magnetic frequency to water that holds and ‘seals’ the molecular crystalline shape, ensuring it stays “living water”

Now let me conveniently analyze this article for you. Because I can (If my English teacher could read this)

Firstly, this is bullshit.

Secondly, the water has undergone a vortex implosion. You. Are. Fucking. With. My. Head. A vortex implosion. What does that even mean? Jesus please save me from this horrendous planet where people try to sell me vortex imploded water. I’m all for people saying eat lots of fruit, vegetables and drink lots of water, like our ancestors. This I can believe will benefit you. However, our boys back in the year 1 were probably just drinking normal water, not imploded water. And I have read articles about this oxygenated water saying it is all rubbish. Basically, you take air in through your lungs, not your fucking stomach. How is air from water going to get through your stomach lining and into your blood? And why not just breathe air in through your mouth? Why fuck with nature and try drinking air? I am willing to bet my bottom dollar (which coincidentally is my only dollar) that there is more air in one breath than one of these bottles. Anyone want to bet? Maybe you, Dr Chabad?

Then thirdly, anyone who says water is “living” needs to go to a hippie farm and eat an organic pomegranate and smoke a J.

I can’t believe this is happening, it’s too much for a young brain like mine. Just do me a favour, don’t buy this water.