The weekend of greatness

The photo above was from a ride I did in Tokai a while ago. I was supposed to take a picture of the beach when I drove past on Saturday. But idiot forgot the camera. Then I planned to take a photo in Tokai when I went riding on Sunday. But Sunday came round and I missed my ride because I had other things to do. But I bet Tokai looked exactly like this yesterday anyway, so no worries.

Well the weekend swung round and I decided to make some vows. I vowed not to open any more e-mails referring to Britney’s lack of underwear. I have been inundated for the past week with e-mails with headlines such as “Britney’s growler, hi resolution!” or “Britney’s growler, large pics” or “Britney’s gynaecologist forwards these” I don’t fucking care anymore. At first it was funny at what a whore Britney was being. Then it just became gross. Call me conservative, but Brit’s turned into a ho over the past two weeks. Anyway I kept my vow which I am quite proud of. That’s not to say I did not watch Paris’ video another hundred times (That’s actually a joke. Or is it?)

It was a weekend of enlightened writing for me. My semi-coma of writers block got blown away in the breeze, and it was replaced by serious writing. It was actually such a great weekend that I was even speaking in a poetic manner. To enlighten you, here are a couple of lines that were used over the weekend. Interesting indeed.

(Speaking to my mate Mike)- Oh Miketh, whereforth go thou tonight? I thinketh if your wife don’t mindeth that we shall frequent Forres?

(Chatting up some random)- I liveth in a castle. Shall we go forth and shageth?

(Talking to people at the pool at Kelvin)-Henceforth, I sittith in the sun and therforth I turn the colour of a gold bullion. Thereforth people desireth to be with me.

Oh yes, it was a weekend of poetry. But in between the odd conversations I had, I wrote some stuff that is bound to change the shape of the earth. I still have to gather it all together, but when it comes together sometime this week, the earth should stop spinning on its axis.

On Saturday I was chilling at my house and thought “Let’s see what the other half of Cape Town is doing today” Knowing that the other half live on the beach side and do dodgy business deals and therefore have copious amounts of money and drugs I thought “You know the weather is shit at my place, but I bet it’s better over at the other half. They probably called the weather bureau this morning and asked for a little bit of summer sunshine” So I packed up the Speedo, the XXX-treme “mexican tan” SPF-5 coconut oil and made my way to the coast in the VR3 (Ok I lie about the Speedo and the tanning oil) Well clearly you should never assume things because the weather was shit there as well. So I went home. Interesting.

Then yesterday we slipped into 198^th position for a while on Blogtopsites (see the very bottom of the page) which is quite dismal and shocking but it makes a change from always being in the 300’s. Maybe we can make a concerted effort this week and get below 100. But what are the chances? The funny thing is we even had a few hits this weekend on SLXS which is most bizarre. That never happens. There must be snow forecast for Namibia tomorrow, that’s the only thing that could explain this. Either that or I’m winning the lottery on Wednesday.

The Cool Crowd

Furthering our reach into the vast world of print and online publishing, you will now (infrequently for now) see that I contribute to a site called The Cool Crowd. It’s just a site full of cool stuff. My first article, which will probably not win me any awards, was about solar panels that have been developed by a South African guy and which are extremely thin(I think about a quarter of the thickness of a human hair). I don’t know how to make this sound more exciting, because it really is not. But it is not supposed to be hilarious, it is just supposed to be informative. My next article which I think I will do this week is going to be on a Breitling watch. I’m just mustering up the energy to go take a photo of the watch at a jeweller. However, knowing what snobs these people are who work at these shops, I am setting myself up for rejection. Whenever they see a twenty something guy wearing cargo shorts and a white T-shirt walk into their shop, they pull out their “We are going to lunch now” card. Or the “Sorry I need my manager to get that watch out of the display” card. Fuck off, just let me put the R200000 watch on my wrist for a photo you idiot. So I will try this week but if I don’t succeed, don’t laugh. Ok you can laugh I don’t mind.

Check the site out: www.thecoolcrowd.net

This is the link to my article: http://www.thecoolcrowd.net/2006/12/06/solar-technology-a-convenient-truth/

"First thing Monday morning Bob"

Just a little something to start Monday off with.

I was sitting at the robots while on my way to the traffic department on Friday when a most hideous car pulled up next to me. It was a Renault Traffic. It was honestly one of the bigger cars I have seen, hence the name “traffic” because it takes up a couple of lanes. It was quite an ugly car too. I looked at the number plate and saw that is was from Gauteng-a-leng. The other obvious clue as to where it was from was the sign on the right hand side passenger window saying “Warning: Enter this car at your own risk” Only in Gauteng.

Then on 2oceansvibe a few weeks ago there was an article entitled “The Cape Town Friday Rule” Basically it explained that no one in Cape Town ever works on a Friday. This piece just further reiterates the point made there. While I was at the traffic department this past Friday I heard a guy talking to someone on his phone. Now it was only 10am, but obviously eager to get to the pub he kept saying “Yeah can’t you guys just build and plaster around it, I promise we will do it on Monday. First thing Monday morning” I was standing there laughing to myself because it’s so typical of Cape Town people to say “Yeah, first thing Monday morning” This actually means late Wednesday afternoon, week after next. But somehow this guy got away with it anyway. What a hero! Hope you had a good Friday piss up dude.

Sunday Times: Hilarious

I love finding bullshit like this that no one else does, because it’s so stupid. With the headline “Steering with a joystick” on page 12 of the sport section, this is ridiculous. Timberwolves basketball player Eddie Griffin was fined $375 for “inattentive driving”. Then looking at the police report it says “Defendant Griffin was under the influence of alcohol and was negligently not paying attention to the direction of travel ahead of him due in part to the fact that he was watching a pornographic DVD displayed on a mounted in-dash DVD player, located near the steering column in his Escalade vehicle” Furthermore “He was manually manipulating his genitals. DVD covers of a pornographic nature were seen in the driver/passenger area of the vehicle. The items were viewed by the officers at the scene, whereupon they laughed.”

Fucking right they laughed!HA HA HA what a wank! If that’s not the most embarrassing thing I have ever read, then I don’t know! It would have been less embarrassing if a woman was giving him action in the car, because when put in that situation, I guess it’s hard to resist. But giving in to yourself, unbelievable! I love the formal language the cops use. I would have written it like this “Eddie Griffin was totally fucked and tripping balls, he got into his car smashed and drove. He then decided to watch “Busty Blondes Gym Workout With A Difference” and after that had a wank in the car where we found him underneath a pile of cheap porn” How do you recover from a situation like this? I don’t even know if it’s possible. More importantly, how do you get so wasted that you actually do this? Mind boggling.

Conan O' Brien: Legends are born in his shadow

Conan O’ Brien

I am a rather huge Conan fan, to the point of it being crazy. If I have to get up early in the morning (Which thankfully only happens around the time of a solar eclipse or if the world is on the verge of nuclear meltdown) I will still stay up to watch Conan. In order for me to get new people interested in his show I thought I would post some of his classic quotes here to entice you. It airs every night at 12:45pm. It’s late but worth it. By the way Conan is the Gaelic word for “male supermodel” as you can see from the above photo. Conan has this innate (More on my complicated use of language at the end of this article) ability to laugh at himself, every day. He finds his pale skin particularly funny and he now has a show called “Pale force” He is also famous for his crazy hair style and his power in getting Tarja Hamilton (Think that’s the name) re-elected in Finland as president or something(I was too lazy to find out the real facts) The humour is sometimes difficult to follow as many of his quotes refer to overseas things but here are some new, and old, classic quotes, enjoy. Note: In all of these quotes the first sentence is actually true. The rest is the joke so they are not completely made up

"Yesterday, Prince Charles gave a speech in San Francisco with Camilla at his side. Prince Charles says he likes visiting San Francisco -- because it's the one city where he can stand proudly next to the man he loves."

"The other day in Los Angeles, Paris Hilton was involved in a minor car accident. Apparently, Paris was rammed from behind, then, later, she had a car accident."

"Prince Charles and his wife, Camilla, flew to Washington, D.C. today to meet President Bush and the First Lady. Unfortunately, during the 21-gun salute on the South Lawn, Camilla got frightened, bolted and jumped over a fence." (This is obviously referring to the fact that she looks like a horse- Conan takes everyone to pieces on his show!)

"During a press briefing this week, a journalist asked President Bush what he carried in his pockets -- and Bush showed him that all he had was a handkerchief. Or as President Bush calls it his 'booger motel.'"

"Officials in the Philippines are charging the environmental group Greenpeace $7000 because one of Greenpeace's boats destroyed a coral reef. Greenpeace says it will pay the fine by selling off its collection of rare ivory."

"Earlier this week, a car that belonged to Pope John Paul II was sold at an auction for $700,000. The new owner says the first thing he's going to do is take off the 'No Fat Chicks' bumper sticker."

"'US' magazine reports that Britney Spears recently got so angry with Kevin Federline that she moved out of the house for a week. Apparently, Britney told Federline, 'Pull the house over, I'm getting out.'"

"Yesterday at the White House, President Bush met with Prince Charles and his wife Camilla. There was one awkward moment when Bush told Prince Charles, 'Hey, your mom looks even older than my mom.'"

"According to 'Golf Digest,' Tom Cruise is considered the worst celebrity golfer. Apparently, Cruise just can't seem to get it in the hole."

"Kevin Federline has recorded a rap album. Critics say he doesn't sound like an authentic rapper. They may be right, because on one song, Federline gives a shout-out to his 'mobile homies.'"

"Yesterday, Prince Charles and his wife Camilla visited New Orleans. As a result residents once again evacuated."

"There's a rumor going around that the reason Kirstie Alley lost so much weight was because she had her stomach stapled. When asked about it, Alley said, 'That's ridiculous. I didn't have it stapled - I had it spot-welded.'"

"This week, the U.S. government announced that it would not accept more than 300,000 meals donated to Hurricane Katrina victims by the British. A spokesman for the U.S. government explained that the Katrina victims have suffered enough."

"According to a new poll the most famous magazine cover of all time is the Rolling Stone cover where a naked John Lennon is hugging Yoko Ono. The least popular? When a naked Ruben Studdard hugged a glazed ham."

"David Copperfield has announced plans to impregnate a woman onstage without touching her. Copperfield calls his new trick 'The Tom Cruise.'"

"Saddam Hussein's trial was televised live and, of course, many Iraqis were glued to their TV sets. Mainly, because years ago, Saddam had them glued to their TV sets."

"The other day, Hawaii passed a new law that will allow hunters to shoot stray cattle. As a result, Hawaiian authorities issued a warning to the fat guy from 'Lost.'"

"'US Weekly' is reporting that Tom Cruise is shopping for a house in Toledo, Ohio. Cruise says he wants to move to Toledo because it's an easy commute to his job in Crazytown."

“It’s been reported that Britney Spears had a huge fight with husband Kevin Federline and threw him out of the house. It could have been dangerous, because at the time the house was going 60 miles an hour.”

“In a speech yesterday, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld criticized the media for portraying the Iraq war in a negative light. Rumsfeld said, “The media should focus on the more light hearted, fun aspects of the war.”

“President Bush is being criticized by Christian groups because his holiday cards don’t have the word “Christmas” in them. In response, the president said, “You try spelling it.”

“People magazine reported this week that that Britney Spears fired Kevin Federline’s bodyguard because she caught him and Kevin buying pot. Isn’t that shocking? Kevin Federline has a bodyguard.

“It’s been reported that Justin Timberlake has been turned down for a role in a movie because his voice is too high. Which is weird, since Timberlake was auditioning for the role of ‘Frightened little girl No. 3.’”

“It’s been reported that several magazines have offered Ben Affleck thousands of dollars to publish pictures of his baby. Which means the baby is the only Affleck whose pictures actually make money.”

“Today the controversial new movie ‘Brokeback Mountain’ opens about two gay cowboys. Apparently, you can tell the characters are gay because they’re dressed like cowboys.”

“Elton John is planning to marry his long-time partner later this month, and sources say he’s currently planning the bachelor party. Sources say, instead of a giant cake, a man will jump out of another man.”

“Donald Trump has agreed to endorse a line of premium vodkas. Trump’s vodka doesn’t give you a hangover, but it does give you a combover.”

“This week in China, Tom Cruise finished up shooting the latest ‘Mission Impossible’ movie. This one is a thriller where Cruise tracks down whoever really knocked up Katie Holmes.”

“Earlier today President Bush sent out 1.4 million Christmas cards to his friends and supporters. In a related story Dick Cheney sent out three.”

“The U.S. Military is being accused of paying Iraqi newspapers to publish fake articles that support President Bush. When he heard about it, President Bush was furious and said, ‘Why aren’t they doing that in American newspapers?”

“This year, President Bush and The First Lady sent Christmas cards to the leaders of 200 countries. Apparently it would have been 201, but someone told the President that Legoland isn’t a real country.”

“Fidel Castro announced today that the Cuban national team will play in next year’s World Baseball Classic in Puerto Rico. In fact, the team left on a raft this morning.”

“This week, ABC is showing a movie about the love affair between Prince Charles and Camilla Parker Bowles, and the movie’s getting bad reviews. The critics say that the guy who plays Camilla is terrible.”

This is the link to his site:http://www.nbc.com/Late_Night_with_Conan_O'Brien/fan_favorites/

Referring back to the word “innate” I have recently been slipping words into my writing that sound really fancy. The truth is, I have no idea what they mean but I have just heard them. And no one notices this. So I am just going to carry on doing it because it’s kind of a cheap way of making me sound like I attended MIT or Harvard or something.

London bridge is burning down

I have absolutely no idea why I used that headline. Maybe because this is in the spirit of Sky News, where everything is made more dramatic than it could ever possibly be.

If you watch Sky News, like I do very occasionally, you will know that you only need to watch it for 10 minutes on a Monday morning because after that everything is repeated. Sky News are like the whore sister of MTV. MTV has the habit of playing a song so often that they kill it in about 12 hours. Sky is currently salivating over this London tornado. Tornadoes happen all over the world, all the time. But just because it’s London, we are all supposed to care. Woop-dee-fucking-doo Basil, I don’t care. So what if a tornado hit London? No one was killed so get over it. If you read my article which I wrote for another website(Which I will give the link to, if they publish it) you will come to learn that in drug tests Pfizer have been doing, 82 people died while testing a new cholesterol drug. Um…I think that’s more important than the 6 people that were injured in a tornado. Anyway. Then one of the reporters asks one of the residents “Was there debris flying around?” No. Roofs were ripped off houses; do you think these roofs just magically evaporate into the air? Come on reporters, wake up! Then she asked “Was there any noise, what did it sound like?” Well, I was not even there and I can tell you what it sounded like. Um…a tornado that is ripping roofs off perhaps? Fuck Sky, where are you getting your journalists from? They are lank shite.

Sorry about the photography

I must apologise for the disgusting lack of photography in the last two days. There has been no cheap porn or even crappy photos that I have taken. But the blame for this rest’s on the shoulders of my mate Jiminez Valdez des Santo Juan Sombrero Taco. He is a recent addition to this country after hopping borders for the past couple of years. Anyway he is supposed to be some top end criminal but he can’t even steal me a digital camera. He got caught the other day and is now in prison till God knows when. So I have, in the mean time, been knocking on the doors of neighbours in an effort to raise funds for my camera. This delightful MILF round the corner from me gave me R1000! I feel bad though because she has a husband and kids, and I know I am going to need to return the money sometime. But as my bank won’t allow it, I am going to have to pay her back in non-monetary values…cough cough…if you know what I mean. But anyway I’m going to buy the cameras and then I’m moving house because I don’t want to be known as the “Neighbourhood home wrecking he-bitch”

I don't believe it

I have just learned from news24 that cabinet ministers who are caught exceeding the speed limit will be fined. I feel like such a fool! All this time I was led to believe that they had “God” imprinted on their foreheads and could do as they please! To quote the article:

Minister Jeff Radebe sped away from the launch of a traffic safety campaign at which he warned that speed caused 75% of road crashes.

Minnaar (Chief Superintendent) said such cavalcades had to speed to prevent their charges becoming “sitting ducks”. “We have to ensure the safety and security of the individual. That is paramount. Now to be able to ensure the person is safe and secure, we have to move the person quickly along the freeway.

Oh of course I feel better now because that explains it all! Is Jeff Radebe afraid that a sniper is going to shoot at him from the grassy knoll? Come on Jeff get over yourself! You’re fucking Jeff Radebe, no one even knows you. The first time I heard your name was in this article. Come on buddy, no one wants to kill you; I can assure you of that. Another thing is, what is with Minnaar’s vocabulary? I point you to the words “cavalcades” “paramount” and the cliché “sitting ducks”. Cavalcades you say? Is it not easier to say motorcade? And sitting ducks? Jeez, you going to be next in the Sports Illustrated under “Cliché watch” if you don’t watch yourself. It should be “sitting fucks” I believe. I am actually stunned that this made it into the news.

In more celebrity bullshit I read an article on Kevin Federline on news24. Wait, before I get into it let me repeat one of his rap lines “They used to call me K-Fed, but you can call me daddy instead” Nice rhymes K-Fed. Now fuck off, you tool. Anyway apparently his album, playing with fire (Note the use of no capital letters), only sold 6500 copies in its first week of release. What I want to know is: Who the fuck are these 6500 people and are they cooked in the head?

Random rubbish post(RRP)

Watch out for these RRP’s. They can, and will, strike at any time. They are not really worth reading, but you will read them anyway. I have that type of writing power where even if I wrote “I live in a microwave”, you would read it. You know you would. Anyhow, in my extensive missions that I make to blogging sites, in order to infiltrate their top brass and get myself ranked at number one, I came across a pearler. Or two actually. A blog called “Beer and TV” and another called “BitchAboutWomen” I never knew that was how you spelled “CHAUVINIST”! Shit guys, is life really kicking you so hard in the balls? I did not visit these sites though because as it stood they were unbelievably ranked higher than me. How did such a crime come to be committed? I have no idea but I’m sure as hell going to find out. Until then, I shall be in stealth mode trying to find the reasons for their rankings. 007

SHOT! From the grassy knoll...

I have just learned from news24 that cabinet ministers who are caught exceeding the speed limit will be fined. I feel like such a fool! All this time I was led to believe that they had “God” imprinted on their foreheads and could do as they please! To quote the article:

Minister Jeff Radebe sped away from the launch of a traffic safety campaign at which he warned that speed caused 75% of road crashes.

Minnaar (Chief Superintendent) said such cavalcades had to speed to prevent their charges becoming “sitting ducks”. “We have to ensure the safety and security of the individual. That is paramount. Now to be able to ensure the person is safe and secure, we have to move the person quickly along the freeway.

Oh of course I feel better now because that explains it all! Is Jeff Radebe afraid that a sniper is going to shoot at him from the grassy knoll? Come on Jeff get over yourself! You’re fucking Jeff Radebe, no one even knows you. The first time I heard your name was in this article. Come on buddy, no one wants to kill you; I can assure you of that. Another thing is, what is with Minnaar’s vocabulary? I point you to the words “cavalcades” “paramount” and the cliché “sitting ducks”. Cavalcades you say? Is it not easier to say motorcade? And sitting ducks? Jeez, you going to be next in the Sports Illustrated under “Cliché watch” if you don’t watch yourself. It should be “sitting fucks” I believe. I am actually stunned that this made it into the news.

In more celebrity bullshit I read an article on Kevin Federline on news24. Wait, before I get into it let me repeat one of his rap lines “They used to call me K-Fed, but you can call me daddy instead” Nice rhymes K-Fed. Now fuck off, you tool. Anyway apparently his album, playing with fire (Note the use of no capital letters), only sold 6500 copies in its first week of release. What I want to know is: Who the fuck are these 6500 people and are they cooked in the head?

Imbalance of the brain matter

I have just taken the VR3 for a slow drive to town. I went to the barber to get my locks shorn. Anyway while I was on my way there I saw and heard this huge ruckus which happened to be the world diabetes conference. Which is all fine. But then I heard the noise of bongo drums. Bongo drums in the rain. Bongo drums in the rain at a diabetes conference. I then asked my hairdresser, Shareen, why is it that every time South Africa hosts something involving the “World” that we have to show how African we are? For the love of God, this is Cape Town, not the fucking Kruger National Park. Cape Town, on a vain enough day (Which is every day for some), could be compared to New York. People here shop at Hugo Boss and at Louis Vuitton. We don’t shop at the fucking curio shop in Oudtshoorn. I always used to wonder why the Americans thought we have lions in our back yard. I thought they were dumb. But the impression we give off is one that says that we not only have a lion in our back yard, but our woman play the bongo drums topless while we go out and hunt for food while wearing real leopard skin underwear. At rugby games we have a whole tribe of herdsmen acting out our version of the haka. No wonder people think we keep lions. No wonder people feel sorry for us. They think we have to survive off the dry land and eat aloe and potatoe to survive. I think maybe our Health Minister is based overseas and therefore thinks we live in the bush. Maybe that’s why she thinks she can fuck with our heads and tell us that garlic, beetroot and olive oil cures AIDS. This diabetes conference has got to do with blood sugar imbalances. But clearly the people who organised it have a grey matter imbalance in those heads of theirs.

Further world domination

My attempts at complete world domination are going well so far. If it were not for people unfairly using my name, I would be living on an island at this very moment. To show more of my impressive writing skills I write in to magazines and reporter.co.za occasionally just to see if they can resist my carefully penned dialogue. It seems they can’t. Not even a magazine with such prestige as GQ can keep away from me. Having had a couple prior letters published by them, I decided to throw some bait out there again. It seems they took it. Visit the link at the bottom of this article and read the letter entitled “On yer bike” Yes that’s mine. I sometimes wonder if GQ publishes my letters because they like them or they just want my name to grace their pages in a feeble attempt to boost circulation figures at certain times of the year. I may never know. Here’s the link: http://www.gq.co.za/index.php?page=letters

In other world take over news, I wrote an article the other day which I was going to post right here. However, being quite a remarkable piece I decided to try and sell it to GQ. It’s quite possibly my biggest attempt yet to overthrow the world. If it works out, who knows what’s next? I can’t say much about it, but it’s got to do with women and space travel which is always going to make for a fucked up read, because we understand neither of these things. I’m waiting for their response. If they say “Yay” you will hear about it here first. If they say “Nay” their office will be no longer. A freelancer named Ben Trovato has recently been cut loose from penning the back page articles for GQ. He has threatened to bomb the GQ building. With an atomic bomb. So if my offer is rejected, I will swiftly be in touch Ben Trovato and we will sip whiskey and braai marshmallows over the burning ruins that was once GQ.

Could LOL be any worse?

Instead of watching Laugh Out Loud last night I should have taken the other option of slowly stabbing myself in the neck with a spoon. Every week they have the “Big sucker” I never watch this show because I feel embarrassed for the hosts making such fools of themselves. I read in Heat magazine (Again, my sister left it open in the corner of the garden where I sleep, and I had to read it) a while back that when Ryk Neethling got suckered, it was not funny at all. Neither was DJ Fresh last night. In fact DJ Fresh found out that he was being suckered and ended up “ripping-flipping and reversing” the situation onto the sucker squad, making them look like fools. Which they are. I watched last nights show purely for research purposes, and I can now proudly confirm that I will be free at 8pm on Wednesday evenings as there really is no reason to watch M-Net. Who exactly finances this show? And whoever it is, have you never heard of getting returns on your investment? You should seriously consider buying a copy of the Financial Mail. Last night’s show was so poor that I made sure that I stayed up to watch Jay Leno and Conan ‘o Brien just to inject some comedy into my brain. And Lords of Dogtown was cool as well. I mean honestly, at the end of last nights show they were playing with something on their presenters desk that looked remarkably like a dead cat. Yeah, thats fucking funny. So funny I laughed up my lungs.

Just Jinger

In news that had me jumping on my computer this morning shouting "I am the yeti!" I found out that Just Jinjer(Spelling change cos of the way the Yanks pronounce "Jinger". Idiots) will be playing in once off gigs in Cape Town and Johannesburg. The Cape Town gig is in Kirstenbosch on December 22nd. The Joburg gig takes place at Emperors palace(They stole the name of my house) on December 15. Tickets are R150. Visit www.justjinger.com for other news and you will find the link to Computicket there where you can book your tickets. I actually can't believe they are playing here. It makes you want to invent a time machine to go to the 22nd of December. And then come back so you don't miss any time on the beach perving foreign models that flood our shores at this time of the year. Oh the benefits of living in Cape Town which has a beach. Lot's of them. Joburg people must be crying right now, knowing they are missing topless Spanish and French and Uzbekistani and Yemenese models right at this very moment

How to be famous and pull hot birds

In an effort to show you readers what you have to do to become famous, I started writing an article on it. But about halfway through the article I got tired, because I had been sitting in the sun the entire day. So I crept around in my brain searching for a solution. While I was looking around in my head I found a quote in a dusty corner that said “A picture speaks a thousand words” The paper on which it was written was a little torn, so I think it goes like that. Nevertheless, here are pictures to help guide you on your way to filthy amounts of money, filthy women and a filthy rich lifestyle. It’s the equivalent of a 5000 word article, only better because it saves me writing it, and it saves you reading it.

"A horse walks into a bar..."

I was watching some shit on TV and it says that Tori Spelling is planning to write a tell all book which will talk about stuff such as plastic surgery and, I think they said this, her fathers will. I stand to be corrected. But who the fuck cares? Tori, no one gives a fuck about those lopsided tits of yours, they look like a set of “hush puppies” trying to run in opposite directions. Clearly you are writing this book to make cash because you only got about a million dollars inheritance. If I had a million dollars I would retire. You, on the other hand don’t seem happy with that money. But you should be happy. Which leads me to the question: “Why the long face?”(I’m going straight to hell for this, check you all there)

I have also just realised that I read a while ago people were saying Britney’s son might have the initials PMS (Something about Preston…Spears) But now it’s worse. It’s Sean Preston Federline. SPF. Fucking sun cream. And he is her “son”. It’s all too bizarre. “Hey there you cute little SPF15…” I’m an idiot.

"I'll eat your Weber!"

I have falsely accused many people over the past months over my missing Weber braai. And this is my official apology to all you poor souls. I have finally found the culprit. I should have known all along who stole it, but I was blinded by the other charges this man was facing. I will now add theft to Tony Yengenis other misdemeanours. If you look at the abdominal region of the accused(In the photo above, wearing the white hat), it is clear as daylight that he is hiding my Weber in his stomach. And those chubby little cheeks of his are hiding the pork chops that I was braaing when it was stolen. Tony Yengeni reminds me of the chubby kids in Grade 2. You just want to grab those cheeks and shout “Chubby cheeks, chubby cheeks!” Cute. I have now read that Tony does not like his prison food. Shame. Poor tyke. There are other reports that he went on a hunger strike. Tony, if you went on a hunger strike today, and were only released in 2203, you would still not be hungry. Look at the size of your stomach. We could feed Ethiopia with that. Besides the pork chops I was braaing when you stole my Weber, there were also three chickens, a leg of lamb, 9 potatoes and a kilogram of vegetables. How dare you say the prison food is bad. That food cost me a fortune. Then I hear you were drinking beer on the weekend when you went home. You do realise beer is the other half of the equation in “Beer boep” Which explains the absence of a six pack on your stomach, and an abundance of six packs in your fridge. Oh by the way Toni, that hat is out of fashion. All the people “in the know” are wearing Panama hats. Thought I’d let you in on that. You will also notice the absence of a Weber in the photo above, yet everyone still stands in a circular fashion as if there were one there a couple of moments ago. Oh God...he's eaten another one.

Praise the Lord!

Because I know how dumb the people at DSTV are, here is another photo to make my point clear. This is the lady I want to see. I need to get some fresh air right now

NOT what I want to see

Please read the article below to see what I am talking about. To all the people at DSTV, these photos will make things easier. This photo is of a person I don't want to see. The one below is of a person I want to see...preferably kit off. Could I make it easier to understand? I don't believe I could.

“Oh Karolina…oh ha…Oh Karolina(Sung to the tune of that old song, you know the one)

I found this song playing in my head last night when I heard that supermodel Karolina Kurkova was appearing on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno. However, the people that run DSTV in South Africa knew I would be watching this, and decided they would not allow me to see it. The view of my TV last night was horrific. Expecting to see Karolina, all I saw was a static image of the news that had been on previously. I could hear Jay talking in the background but I saw no picture. I heard him introducing Karolina. Oh what his eyes must have seen. Honey hued tits, bronzed legs, an ass so small…When I realised my TV was not going to work I started to see things in a fuzzy way…because of the tears welling up in my eyes. DSTV made it worse by offering me sound with no picture. I would rather have not known Karolina was going to be on TV. So to those bastards who ruined the only good thing I had going yesterday, fuck you. Why does my TV work the whole day when I don’t really need it to? It works when the nasty looking women Sophie Grigson is on BBC Food. Do you really think I want to see that? Because I don’t. Do you think I want to see that other women with the afro black hair who looks remarkably like the wild women from Borneo? Because I don’t. All I want to see is a hot model on a chat show and you can’t even give that to me. You’re all bastards, the whole lot of you at DSTV.