Cool kids gonna get some drugs

As the cool kids go out in a blaze of glory

A very late Friday post. Almost not necessary seeing as though we all have better things to do on a Friday evening. Except me, it would seem. No I posted nothing today and it was eating me up inside. Or that could be the rat poison that bird tried to slip me…Anyway.

As the sun fucks off over the horizon to say “tata” to another year (Well on Sunday it will) we have time to reflect on how well our students have done in the Western Cape. Mind you, not that I care, but the Cape Argus wants to make me care. Yesterday the headline for the Argus was “Top of the class-again” Yippee ki-yay motherfucker, as Bruce Willis would say. To say I’m not in the least interested that these people have not been outdoors in the past year would be an understatement. Maybe deep down I’m a bit jealous that they are going to be working for Donald Trump one day and I’m not(Bullshit I call the cards when it comes to Donald, he would be nothing without me) Maybe I’m jealous that they screwed maths over so hard that the syllabus is changing next year, while maths screwed me over so hard that I changed forever(31% on standard grade for matric-there, I win) After matric maths I was no longer this carefree young lad. Rather I was careless and lost my zest for life for a while. Evidently it came back this year(Well towards the end) and I no longer want to poison myself with the nice smelling Limited Edition blue Sunlight liquid. But yeah, thes people did do well so congratulations. You are going to be getting so much ass it’s unbelievable. Granted it’s going to be ass with the cleaning lady at UCT while working on an actuarial science paper in the dead of the morning while you wonder if the hedge fund could possibly cross reference the JSE bull market in the second quarter. But hey, ass is ass. Keep telling yourselves that.

I love that photo above, it makes those people look so cool. Sorry it's such a poor photo but I'm in a rush to go somewhere. No really I have somewhere to go... The guy in the middle has the obligatory clever kid glasses and all of them have the ultra cool name tags. Shit, I have to get one of those for when I go out tonight. Action, guaranteed. Hot model guaranteed. So yeah guys, congratulations on the results. Congratulations on coming right last night(I hope I’m not being too presumptious) and good luck for the future. Good luck out there, coming right with all the world’s hottest women. And I hope the drugs were good last night, you rebels you…

I just realised this post is really mean. Ahhh fuck it it’s posted already…

Our sunglasses offer 100% non-UV protection

As Clicks sunglasses give us welders arc-eye

I have always insisted on the best sunglasses for my eyes, not because I’m a royal pompous prick, but because I don’t like UV burning my retina like a hot poker. My Oakley Monster Dogs have actually increased my vision to the legendary 20/20 status. I wear them everywhere except for my bike. For that I choose Dragon Rake which kick ass as well. My sister however, opts for Clicks and Spitfire. Clearly an elementary school error this. I once wore a pair of Spitfire sunglasses and after about 20 minutes my eyes started getting sore because of the distortion of the lens. How people wear this shit all year round is a mystery. So when next you see a little punk kid on the beach with a pair of Aviators (other than the legendary Ray Bans) you can laugh. Because while he thinks he’s cool now on the beach with a light cigarette dangling out his mouth and some 16 year old slapper whore on his arm, he is sure to have two glass eyes by the 2010 World Cup.

If you look at the photo above you will notice a good few cracks in the lenses of my sister’s sunglasses. I think if you click on the photo you will get a bigger picture. The cracks have formed in a circular fashion. Well she did not leave them in the oven, she left them in the sun. Now I don’t know about you, but if I were a sunglasses designer I would make sure they could withstand their natural environment, namely the sun. I would not give a fuck if they can survive underwater, in space, in a pressure chamber under the earth, or in the freezing cold. I would just design them so they withstand the sun. But clearly the guys who make Click’s sunglasses don’t think the same as I do. Which is most odd. They were in the sun on Tuesday for half an hour and they cracked. Quality, quality stuff Click’s are selling. No wonder Click’s can afford to give people Clubcard points, because they mark everything up to be more expensive than any other shop on the planet. Every single thing in Click’s can be bought cheaper if you just look around for two minutes. So these sunglasses, which should clearly be free, or maybe 50cents, are being sold for about R120. Fuckers. Why not just spend R800 or so and get a decent pair that will last forever? Crazy times.

It's fresh inspiration, it's off the hook

As Eric, Fleetwood, Jimi, Bob, Michael and Foreigner keep me trucking

I was taking a look over the last couple of posts and I thought to myself “By fucking George, how did you come to write such absolutely thrilling bullshit?” I then realised where my new inspiration was coming from. I have just loaded 300 new songs onto my iPod and I realised that by listening to it I could write at a frantic rate. If I wanted to I could write more articles than a newspaper does every day. I can’t say I really want to do that, but if large sums of US dollars were offered, I would do it. You know, another day, another dollar. So to let you in on my secret to writing: You have to listen to the old school. Eric Clapton, Fleetwood Mac, Jimi Hendrix, Bob Dylan, Foreigner (Chicks did Foreigner’s “Waiting for a girl like you”) and even Michael Jackson have been rolling through my head.

It’s just what I needed. As I write this Eric Clapton is singing a personal tribute song to me, it’s flippin’ awesome! So when you laugh at my writing, cry over it, want to kill me over it or think I’m a fool, I would like to say thanks to Eric, Fleetwood, Jimi, Bob and Foreigner for being there through this rocky journey. You guys rock. I would be nowhere without those beats.

"I'm fine...it's just a nick"

These were my first words as the Schick Cuttro cut to the core of me

Good day. I say this because it is just what people say. Unfortunately for me it was not such a good day, well morning at least. I thought I would put my Mach3 in the back drawer this morning. It has served me well. You know, with its catch line “You take one stroke, it takes three” So I pulled out the new Schick Quattro which has an unbelievable four blades. Not that four blades is necessary but it’s just so excessive it’s awesome. It’s kind of like mom’s picking their kids up from school in a Jeep 4X4 HEMI 4.4litre V8. It’s excessive, but it’s cool nonetheless.

So anyway the first stroke with this razor was like death. It has wires on the blades to protect you from cutting yourself. It was not enough to protect me. Some words that came out of my mouth in quick succession after the first cut were: fuck, shit, whore, bitch, motherfucker, son of a bitch. Some sentences running through my head were: Death is imminent. Why me? Why now? Why like this? Everyone knows of my wish to die on an island. Why don’t chicks dig me?(I don’t know why I thought that, it had nothing to do with the blood spewing from my face) I think the catch line for the Quattro should be “You make one cut, it makes four gashes” My house is 2cm deep in blood this morning from the cut I received. If you look at the photo above of my basin you will see it is quite brutal.

So if anyone is contemplating buying the Quattro, good luck. Even better luck to the poor souls who buy the five bladed razor when it comes out. I think they should print a death warning on the packaging. I still stick to the Mach 3. Whereas using a Mach 3 is a daily ritual, or let’s call it a lifestyle, the Quattro is more of a once off type of razor. Because not only does it cut the hair, it removes the entire dermis layer. When your skin grows back, there is no hair. This is because the Quattro has cut it right out of your DNA.

On the subject of shaving, why does every gimp bitch school leaver find it cool to try and grow a beard? Seriously, unless you can grow stubble that is sharp enough to cut diamonds then don’t grow anything at all. It looks pathetic. I personally will not try growing a beard unless it’s going to be seriously hard core like Clive Owens. I want people to walk around me when they see my beard. I want people to pray to my beard on Sundays. I want Jean Claude Van Damme to get the shivers when he sees my beard. I want shrines put up around Thailand to honour my beard. And of course don’t try and grow a moustache unless it’s going to kick someone’s ass and drive your car for you. Growing a ‘tache like the guy from American Chopper is cool. I dig the handlebar muzzie, but anything less is not cool. It’s like getting plastic stick on spinners put onto your car wheels. Unless you are going to get 20 inch, R200000 panty droppers, then rather get nothing at all. Same goes for the ‘tache. Now do as I say, and as I do.

Shoe City now also abusing substances

Look I know not all of us are born with fashion sense that tells right from wrong, Rolex from Rogex, Gucci from Pep, and Armani from Arnani. However I think we all have a basic sense of what is just fucking hideous. And so Shoe City bring us a style of sandal from so deep into the boerewors curtain that I’m surprised they even managed to find it.

The advert above says “Smart styles for cool guys” Who wrote this headline? Because clearly they are delusional from the festive seasons excess drug use. Those things are so far from smart and cool, it’s not even funny anymore. Even I am not laughing. Come on Shoe City, can’t you at least find sandals that look good for cheap? Look at the new Nike 360 C shoes. They look good, and they are R1799. However they are manufactured by a Thai boy for $1. Can’t you guys get cheap labour and make these guys make nice shoes? I bet you can you devils! Now get to it already.

The New Year awaits conquering

My day yesterday turned out well after braaing and cruising along the beach. So in the spirit of happiness and stuff, I thought I would entertain the masses with this highly intelligent, funny, well structured, master crafted piece on what the New Year holds.

Here at SLXS I don’t make any bullshit new years resolutions like saying I’m going to walk to the shops to prevent global warming, I’m going to give more to charity or I’m going to adopt a Malawian orphan. That stuff is too mainstream and common. I am unique. So I make real goals. And 2007 is going to be a cracker in terms of being a physically peaking performance machine. My Argus Cycle Tour entry is in. There are thoughts of doing the 55km Argus mountain bike ride the week before. The Two Oceans half marathon entries are being prepped and the team for the Xterra triathlon is being pep talked. One thing still bothers me. How the fuck will I run the half marathon?

I think I may have found the solution. This girl I know seems to be semi interested in running. However I’m going to be her trainer because I’m going to train her but in the end not run. I’m going to be sitting on the back of a cart which she will be towing. She will have a harness to strap this cart to her and I am going to sit on the back and take photos of the route for SLXS.

I will also have a small stove to cook food and the like. However I don’t want to be out there all day so I am going to have performance enhancing aids. One is going to be badger milk which will replace her normal USN Carbo- Fuel. Badger milk slides down the throat like small little pebbles you will find on the beach. It’s lumpy but once it hits your stomach, the body absorbs it and it gives you superhuman speed. Some side effects include growing three more hands and porcupine quills, but fuck it, it will be worth the glory of winning. I always say “Win at all costs”. Injections with fat needles and filled with steroids are going to be within my reach at all times. If the pace drops off a smidgen…BAM…one fat needle of steroids right in the ass! The pace slacks more…BOOM…another needle straight to the calf…maybe piercing the actual DNA because I throw so hard. The pace slacks off even more…BAM BOOM BIG EXPLOSION…one Molotov cocktail thrown at my runner will have her “hot” on the heels of the winners.

I will not allow her to wear sunscreen on the run. But I will take a bottle with me and a bottle of cooking oil. The cooking oil will be for me so I can bronze in the sun on the run (I’m a poet and I didn’t even know it) So when we receive our medals I will be dark like Mexican and be very photogenic. When she says “Can you pass the cream” I will reply “No, no my young one, if you weren’t so SLOW, you would not be burning! FASTER FASTER!”

Once again, my mind has conjured up an article, and a theory, so bizarre, so weird, so crazy and ultimately so fucked up that I think it just might work. People say “Man, you smoke ‘mo crack than Auntie Jan down at the church” But I say “Did people not think Richard Branson’s ideas were crazy?” They say “Yes they did think they were crazy” I then look at them, shake my head, spit out my three day old chewing gum, jump on my horse, kick him in his ass with my boots, light a cigar, take a photo of the sunset, write a poem for a loved one in my notebook, say a little prayer, take a sip of jolly juice and say, with the sun glinting in my Ray Bans “There you go. So I win.”

MM2's program choice horror

This is related to E-TV’s Mel Gibson whore fest they are deciding to have today. Last night on Movie Magic 2 on DSTV they decided their 8pm movie, on Christmas day, would be “I know what you did last summer” Following this killer film, and appearing at 9:45 pm was “The Skulls 2” Good fuck, what kind of Christmas was it for the kids? I remember when I was a tyke I used to run around like a complete nut the whole day looking for presents. Then I would piss in the car, kick the dog, vomit all my marshmallows up and watch a nice Christmas movie like Home Alone. Evidently things have changed and now kids watch horror movies. Nowadays kids smoke crack and chow ‘shrooms then go watch a horror film. Kind of makes you want to act like you are 5 years old again. Not that I don’t act like that anyway, but you know what I’m saying. Or do you? Nah, me neither. Fuck it, I’m over this article.

Wait something is on today…oh it’s Christmas

So it’s Christmas and I hope you all enjoying your day. I had a particularly good start to Christmas. I was kept awake by my neighbours dog barking until three this morning when I eventually fell asleep…probably from crying. The past four nights I have woken up at either 5am or 6am from this fucking dog. Last night was the worst. Bed time at 3am and up again at 6:30am. Last night I was actually about to cry because I have not slept in ages. So to my neighbours I hope your fucking house burns down, thanks for making this literally the worst Christmas ever. Sorry about the swearing on Christmas but it’s totally necessary. Even such blatant abuse of language can’t tell you how pissed off I am. Then when told their dog was a whore who kept me up all week, they said sorry but they had not heard it. Not heard it? I was only one of many houses that were kept awake by your gay Alsatian with his fucking girlie man bark. I think people in Joburg heard your dog. Anyway I’m over it now. Then in the interests of keeping my family from killing me I trucked on down to the church this morning at 9am. I should not be allowed to enter a church. There were screaming kids everywhere and this was not music to my brain this morning. Three and a half hours sleep and then screaming kids. I promise you I was so close to going on the rampage today and just driving my car into other peoples’ cars and just punching people. Then there were other kid’s who were looking over their parents shoulders at me. There is nothing funnier than a kid sucking on a dummy while staring at you in amazement with those big eyes. So there I was laughing in church at this kid in front of me. Funny enough, I did not know how many fine women went to the church, it was very nice. Would have tried to put some moves in but I looked like hell from lack of sleep. Maybe next year…Now I’m off to my uncle to braai and I’m going to try and take a walk on the beach and try forget the horror that today has turned into. Hope your day is better. Wicked cool.

E-TV have outdone themselves

I always think that if something is free, it can’t be that good. For instance if they were handing out free sunglasses on the beach, I would expect the UV rays to go right through those lenses and burn my cornea. Or if they were handig out free clothing, I would expect the material to perish at the first instance that sun touches it. You see, you just can’t trust it if it’s free. And so E is free. And so you can’t trust them to make wise programming choices.

They have, through some strange train of thought, decided to dedicate Boxing Day this year to none other than Mel Gibson. Clearly Mel is Christian and hates the Jews as you will have noticed earlier this year when he was fucked and said Jews have caused all the wars in the world. So to honour this behaviour, they dedicate the day after Christmas to him. What a fitting tribute to the man. I mean honestly, they have 365 days of the year to have a fucking “Mel Gibson” day and they decide to put it the day after Christmas. Just to reaffirm Mel’s dedication to the Christian faith, the faith that says we should all be equal (I’m guessing they say that) But clearly Mel is a celebrity Christian and belongs to the sect that says they must treat everyone equally, other than the one’s they choose to not treat equally. That is sheer class from E-TV. Well done guys, you deserve a pat on the back. Now go back to sleep and let the tea lady choose the programming schedule next time. Wait, can I say tea lady? This is not PC. Should I say tea person? No, not that. Ok, Beverage Control and Distribution General Manager. That’s better.

Rosie, you're ugly, you're fired!

As The Don leaves Rosie with a comb over

I actually watched this on E! the other day and found it quite hilarious. But I was reminded of it again this morning whilst browsing the Sunday Times.

Donald Trump has decided Miss USA 2006 can continue her reign as long as she enters a rehabilitation facility for alcohol. So big ass Rosie then said on The View, which she co-hosts, “Left the first wife, had an affair, left the second wife, had an affair. Had kids both times, but he’s the moral compass for 20-year olds in America. Donald, sit and spin, my friend”

So Trump, being the king of sly humour then comes back at Rosie with this, in reference to her being a lesbian: “Maybe she wanted to put the crown back on Miss USA’s head”

“She is a very, very unattractive woman who really is a bully”

“Ultimately, Rosie is a loser…”

You go Don! I think that is fucking LEGEND! Everybody thinks Donald is an idiot but I think he’s awesome. He does whatever he wants, because he can. He’s not pretty by any means but he can still say Rosie is unattractive and he says it confidently. He can still laugh at her being a lesbian and he gets away with it. And now he wants to sue her for her remarks. But he goes about all of this in such a cool way. He is just suing to piss her off and because he knows he has the best lawyers behind him. To me, if you are that loaded, there is no better way to show off your money than by vulgar displays of wealth that just say “I’m fucking worried. Does it look like I care? I will buy the world if I want to. Now fuck off Rosie” Well, that’s what I would do. Shit man, I actually want to meet The Don, he is quite the player.

We are officially unsuspended!

For some or other bizarre reason I decided to sign up on South African Blog Top Sites. Now in order to reach their very high standard I had to be approved first. Well I think I signed up about two weeks ago and now I get this very stern e-mail from them. Check it out:

Your site SLXS has been unsuspended. Please log into the user CP and put the required HTML Code on your site. Failure to comply will have your site marked unactive and maybe deleted.

South African Blog Top Sites Administrator

Unsuspended I see? Well then. Firstly I was never registered so how can I have been suspended? Surely I would have had to have been suspended in the first place in order to be unsuspended? I don't know what you are talking about. Secondly, why the suspension? This is madness. Then the very Stern, Donald Trump style " Failure to comply will have your site marked unactive and maybe deleted" Well, to be honest, I have lost interest in your site and will rather leave your code off my site. So yeah. go ahead, delete us, send us to the recycle bin, or make like Chuck and send us to the hell bin. That's all I have to say, for Friday, later hey.

This man had a fun time being bullied at school(What a fun, inspiring, totally original, front page headline grabbing headline)

I post this on a Thursday night as Friday morning brings me new challenges. Chatting to Thabo, delivering a key note speech to congress, interviewing the governator. As you know this is all bullshit and I merely post this now because then I don't have to in the morning and there is a gap on TV now where there is shit on and I'm waiting for Conan to start because he seems to be the only good thing going on in the world at the moment. Other than snorting coke off a dead hooker. Jokes. Seriously that was a joke. Don't think for one second that I would do that. Yeah so while I wait for Conan, who is the man, with some stupid plan, leading the pale clan. Whatever, here's what I meant to say.

I always like to browse through the Sports Illustrated every month because I have a subscription to it and feel that I should read it. Being far too lazy to actually read the mind bending articles that delve deep into the science of sport, I look at the articles that even your shit for brains red haired stepchild could understand. And so it was that yesterday afternoon I came upon a little snippet that I laughed at. I tell you, I have not laughed that much since I was a little girl. This article and the Swimwear calendar that came with it were worth the entire year’s subscription rate.

A baseballer named Russel Jay Kunts actually exists. However, his friends nicknamed him rusty. Rusty Kuntz. Fucking Rusty Kuntz.

Let me repeat that last line

Fucking

Rusty

Kuntz

Now to those of you who don’t find this funny, then I cannot help you. To those of you who don’t even understand the joke, you have absolutely no hope. I suggest when they do these first space tourist trips that you book a ticket to space. Then while you are out there jump out the capsule and find your way to the moon, because maybe you will be accepted there with welcoming arms. And to those who know what’s going on, can you handle it? I personally can’t.

And lastly to Rusty. Rusty you will be in my prayers forevermore. I feel the shame you must have felt over these years. Must be a bit shit though if your wife is called Regina. Not pronounced Re-gee-na. The other pronunciation. Shame on your ancestors who had this ghastly name. Or Imagine your name was Richard and people called you “Dick”. Dick Kuntz. This is too much for me. So Rusty, your life must be one big joke, but it could have been worse. Dick Kuntz marries Regina Fokker. Ok, maybe a little overboard. Anyway, later Kuntz. (Um…I’m talking to Rusty)

Anyway, later (Now I’m talking to my readers)

Tiger Tiger

Tiger Tiger in Claremont is a place full of beautiful people. I was on the website the other day to check out a photo that was taken of me. I could not help but notice that there were mostly photos of women and they were all belters. I was stunned. Anyway, as you can imagine, I looked for my photo…and I looked…and I looked…and it was not up! Clearly I did not make the grade. I was in another photo but I’m guessing they put it up not because I was in it but because of the other people that were in it. Bastards. I would have got the last laugh if the following situation had happened. A woman, Brazilian, a model, with a sign on her head saying “I want sex” walks up to me and says “You are very sexy man! You want to make sexy with me in my Waterfront apartment? Then maybe travel the world with me on modelling assignment? You will become very famous you know” So, acting all cool and nonchalant I say, with an air of sophistication “Thanks, but I’m already AWESOME, so beat it, BITCH!”

That would be funny. Seriously funny. But it didn’t happen. Sigh…

But the drugs don't work, they just make it worse(Something along the lines of a song by...I think maybe Oasis)

I was thinking the other day (Yes, it did hurt) about kids and why they are all so fucked up on drugs these days. I was looking for an answer. Google could not help me for shit and neither could anyone else. So I cast deep into my brain for an answer. I ended up standing on this huge rock in my brain looking over a crystal clear mountain pool…of knowledge! I dived in and this is what I found.

When I was a kid my parents used to buy new cars (The days when people actually bought new cars) and I used to love getting into the car at the showroom while the oldies were sorting out all the paperwork. I’d sit there and enjoy that new car smell. I’d get high as a kite on that new car smell. The drive home would be like one big dream. When the folks asked how the car was I would be like “No, like, I dig this car’s vibe, DAD!” You see these days “scientists” are saying that these fumes in new cars are dangerous and no doubt they will soon be trying to cut down on these fumes.

In the old days, Coca Cola used to contain cocaine. Not enough to stuff you up, but just enough to make you keep on trucking.

I have this Moleskine notebook that I take with me everywhere, in case the mood strikes to write a fucking AWESOME article. It says the paper is “acid free” So I take it that in the old days there was acid in the paper. So while writing on it this acid would absorb into your skin. That’s why the writers of the old days came up with such crazy ass stories. Not because they were necessarily good writers, but because they were on good drugs.

So through the ages people have always been exposed to small amounts of drugs whether it was the cocaine in coke, acid in writing paper or fumes in new cars. Now that we have become very aware of the dangers of these things we have cut them out. But deep down in the human DNA, our bodies crave these things. And that is my theory on why kids are taking drugs. Call me crazy, call me genius, but that’s my theory and I’m sticking to it. Think about it…and just let it be…

This is a decent article

I found this bottle of wine recently and judging by the name “Decent White” I can say it must be quite shit. Anything that has to mention that it is decent must be horrendous. It’s like the Laugh Out Loud Show (No one does LOL) on M-Net. If you look in the TV guide you will see it is listed as Laugh Out Loud: The comedy show. As if the name of the show were not hinting at laughter, they have to remind you that it is actually supposed to be funny by mentioning casually that it is a comedy show and one must literally LOL! Ha.

But this is a great end of the month wine, like the end of the month Salticrax. Very plain. Just a sort of grape and alcohol taste, no berries, coffee and bark like many other wines claim to have in them. It’s also a great end of year wine when you are fuck broke. It’s strange that we have Christmas at the end of the year when everyone is bankrupt from the year.

To me Christmas is a scam. No seriously, it’s a government scam. They invented Christmas as an incentive for people to go back to work. You see, people think “Ooooohhh Christmas, I better buy presents” So they go spend money on their credit cards, which is money they don’t have, but will have if they attend work next year. So at the end of it all they think “Fuck it, I have to go back to work now to pay my credit card” It’s a very vicious cycle and many people are caught up in it. I personally refrain from giving presents. I just say “Damn, shit, I heard on the Discovery Channel that Santa is not real so I can’t possibly give presents” Throw the words “I saw it on the Discovery Channel” into any random conversation and people immediately think you are educated and wise. I have fooled many an idiot with this trick.

So yeah, you see how I turned that bottle of wine into an entire article? Very clever. I started off with the wine, then went onto LOL, then onto it being an end of the month wine, then I went onto Christmas and what a scam it is and I even gave the Discovery Channel a mention. Not only can I turn a stupid bottle of wine into an article, I can actually keep you interested in reading such bullshit right until the end. Now that’s funny. Or not. Ok, it’s at least funnier than LOL.

Is this a joke? Can I laugh now?

I bought the Sunday Times on Sunday (naturally) but never got round to reading it. So I pulled it out this morning and started to read my way through it. I got to page 13 and found a story entitled “I spend my time inspiring others” It is about a guy who was diagnosed with AIDS in 1984. He decided that he wanted to live life proper, and that he was going to start setting world records.

Some of his records have left me speechless saying “How is that possible?”

Here are some:

Drinking 211 cups of coffee in four hours. OH MY FUCK! Can you handle this? I would die from the caffeine and so would a normal person I think. You would either die from that or from over hydration. I can’t get over this, I want to believe it but I can’t. Let’s say a cup is 250ml’s. Mother of God, that’s 52 litres of coffee. I can’t believe! You are supposed to drink 2 litres of water a day. Let’s say his coffee was water as an example. He would have drunk enough for 26 days of living. Let’s say he weighs, uh, 80kg. That’s 1.54 cups of coffee for every kilogram of body weight. Now that I give these figures, it’s starting to sound almighty fucked up.

Eating 3.8kg of calamari in four hours. No please stop.

Disco dancing for 345 hours non stop (17 days) Impossible. You can’t not fucking sleep for 17 days. All a load of shit this.

Roller skated for 390 hours non stop.

No wonder this guy has not died of AIDS, I don’t think anything can actually kill him. What a machine. Even more hardcore than Jean Claude Van Damme and Chuck. Amazing. Speechless.

1st for women insurance

Evidently also 1^st for bullshit

I always receive flyers for this “1st for women” insurance. Now I think it’s bullshit. This is all crap. The latest instalment in their advertising series was this one that I received in my post box on Friday or maybe Saturday morning. The envelope says “A man wouldn’t open this” Then inside is a letter and a sticker for your car saying “If life’s a journey, let’s hope there’s a woman driving” Um…excuse me? What have we guys done wrong now? We are always in the shit for something and now it seems to be for our driving. Maybe women don’t crash as often as guys, but I bet they cause as many accidents as us. They may not crash, but a guy will crash because of their slack skills on the road. I will be gunning it down the highway in the fast lane when suddenly a woman pulls into the fast lane at 80km/hr. I will try be the nice guy and risk my life by swerving into the barrier and rolling my car. Then women will say “God, guys are just so reckless, they have no respect for anything” Yeah, that’s exactly it. I actually can’t believe they put this in my post box. It’s so blatantly against men. It does not even say that it’s just an insurance policy for women only, it goes out of its way to make guys sound like Neanderthals. I have nothing further to say.

It's time...for Kurland polo

It’s Monday and everyone is going on holiday on Friday, so I thought I better let you in on this.

I hate to say this but I am not a big fan of this time of the year. Everyone seems to be going to a different place (even country) for their new years celebrations. People get excited for a new years party which is quite frankly just another party. Then they make all sorts of resolutions which are bullshit anyway. But yes…the most annoying thing is that everyone is split up over this time. People are always saying “I’m going to be spending time with my family” Fuck that, I always try and keep a far distance from family members all year round. So what to do in those few days before New Years Eve? I have found the solution.

And it’s the Kurland Polo in Plettenberg Bay. As you can see from the photo of the Kurland estate above, that lawn is watered with only the finest champers. If you had to invent one word that incorporates the following into it “Cocaine, champagne, MILF’s, XS, decadence, snobs, trophy wives, money, sex, aristocrat, royal pricks” then “polo” would be your word. It is an elitist sport where people go to watch it to be seen. No one even knows how the game of polo really works, they are too busy coking it up at the bar. Yes, at the bar and not the bathroom. Polo is a sport where people go to make connections and if you don’t have anything to offer people, then they will not speak to you. It is a sport where the smell of botox overshadows the smell of the freshly cut grass and horse shit. It is a sport where everyone swings. John sleeps with Peter’s wife, Peter’s wife sleeps with the polo team, Peter shags Brenda which is Ron’s wife and so on and so forth. It is like one big orgy before the lunch time Cocaine Train has even swung through the VIP tent at Kurland. Oddly enough no ugly people attend the polo either. It is a sport where even a hint of ugly in you will see you escorted into the horses feeding pen until the last person has left. It is a sport where no one even cares who they support as long as it’s the local cocaine cartel.

And it is thus a sport of sheer XS where most people don’t dare go unless they are dressed like royalty, can do drugs like Iggy Pop and consume more fluids than Paris Hilton. It’s polo. It’s XS. It’s totally off the hook. Be there.

The Kurland Polo takes place on Friday 29 December 2006 in Plettenberg Bay.

Mother*%^*@”!!!

I find it interesting that on DSTV the swear words are always beeped out on my decoder. I have to press this blue button and then choose “English-original” But then as soon as I change channels and then change back, it is back on “English-family” and the swear words are cut out again. It’s highly annoying as swearing is exactly what I want to hear. It bothered me the whole of yesterday, and in fact, the whole of this year. DSTV should always have it set to the swearing English and not the kids English. Because if they took one second to think about it, they would realise that the majority, or hell let’s go for broke here, ALL of their subscribers are adults. Am I once again asking too much? I don’t think so.

Sunday, fucking Sunday!

Sung once again to the tune of U2’s Sunday Bloody Sunday

To anyone who was unfortunate enough to be on Clifton in Cape Town yesterday, I feel your pain. It turned into some sort of sandy/UV ray/oily sun cream/overcrowded dog show. I arrived there at 12:30 and eventually parked in Camps Bay and got a lift to Clifton with my mate Mike. Fourth beach had some volleyball thing going on and you could not walk it was so full. People were sitting so far forward that waves were crashing on them. How dumb can you get? So we went to third beach, where some fucking kids kept kicking and throwing sand all around us. So we decided, in the interests of their safety, to head to second beach. Well praise the lord. There were a couple of very fit women there tanning topless. Sorry, wanted to get photos but it looked a bit obvious. The one girl had a very nice boob job, it was very easy on the sun stroked eyes. I did see a nice spot to get photos from (up on the road) so next time I feel in a decidedly stalker/paparazzi mood I will head up there with my telescopic lens. Nice. But until then, enjoy the week ahead.