He is back

Yes, I am back. It'd been a good break but I feel refreshed. Ahhh....that's better.

I know people don't care about my life, but would rather be interested in the well articulated, insightful articles that I write about life. Or something like it. Anyway, for you to gain greater insight into how and what I write, I must let you in to my life. You are some of the lucky ones who will read this. Not many people gain such great insight. Consider yourself blessed, my child.

Last we left off we went to Springbok Nude Girls at Madame Zingara, which was mad. That was Sunday. Today is Friday. Mayhem has ensued in between.

Before I carry on let me direct you to a article which I feel you need to read because it where I get inspiration from, and it is why I am so cool, calm and collected these days. It is quite an amazing piece, and works brilliantly.Get it HERE

The only problem is that it works too well. Sometimes I come across as seriously cool and chilled, but because I look at these girls like they are a 4, I kind of lose the plot. I talk to them like I don't really have time for them, and they are blessed to be in my presence. They actually think so highly of me that they believe they are out of my league! Like I am in a higher league! This is obviously not true as I am probably a 4 compared to the like of Brad Pitt and Johnny Depp. I go completely mad. Firstly I talk to them as though they are a 4 and then I come across as though I believe I am a 10. Arrogance radiates from me! I don't really want this, but it happens. Might have to change tactics.

You may have read the piece about kids these days being so dumb a few articles down. Anyway, we bumped into a pearler last night. My friend Charles pointed her out and said "Look it's Paris Hilton" She actually did have some Paris features, big sloppy bottom lip, blonde hair, quite tall, dumb looking. But she was mildly attractive until I said something to her. She looked at me as though I was a juvenile delinquent. She has clearly never been on the internet and seen the power I command over this city. She is lucky I never got her name as it would be all over the internet today and in about 5000 peoples homes. And she would never work in this city again.

But seriously though, she just came across as so dumb that I thought I was losing brain cells to her through some sort of osmosis thing. I'm not joking, she sounded so stupid that I believed she was some sort of alien. Unable to function on her own brain cells, she gets close to you in order to steal your brain cells by osmosis. She needs your brain cells just so she can have basic functions like breathing and walking. I think I lost 40 IQ points last night just being in her presence. Luckily my IQ is off the chart and I ca afford to lose lot's of points.

Then some chick tried to bite my bottom lip off. Don't worry, she will have no job today and if she was at college she will automatically fail. Because I say so.

We went to Sobhar last night to watch "jacSharp alongside Julia"(As my invite stated). She is actually rather good! She has this silky smooth voice, long flowing hair...wait...a...second. I must stop now. She is dating one of my good friends so I will not carry on. Sorry Lex. I love you all. No but seriously she is actually quite awesome, not just from a "She is dating my friend" sort of view.

I was actually at Woolworths with Brittany, the hot American girl, who is actually really one of the guys. Anyway Brittany wanted a mention here so I gave it to her. Now we will never stop mentioning her. So yesterday we were at Woolworths and Britter bought the new Glamour magazine and I saw Julia's name mentioned there, I think maybe they had a free CD or something. So Julia is doing quite well. It's nice to know that if my life turns out shit, I can still hang with the cool crowd.

I must watch Julia again because I was mildly distracted by Brittany and Danielle who joined us at Sobhar. Very naught of them. In between stroking their hair like the guy in Scary Movie(Take my strong hand! Oh child...the resemblance is striking...your eyes...the hair...the nose...) myself and Charlie V also managed to listen to Julia's vocals. We are multi taskers. Yeah so those two were distracting me the whole night wanting all sorts of things from me. As people do.

Danielle left early to go "study" I said I have no idea what study means but I let her know that she was looking quite serious and this "study" thing must have something to do with tracking down the FBI's 10 most wanted criminals. So I let her go. Her hand slipped from mine and I felt my heart fall to the ground and shatter. I hope you caught the baddies sweetie. Call.....me.....

Then Brittany was another story. Because I act like I am a 10, I come across as some sort of uber hero from Troy or 300. Brittany cannot handle me. She really can't. You must see how nervous she gets around me, and Jerry! It's quite cute actually. She says she is dating someone, but I think it's a lie. It calms her down thinking she is dating someone, and therefore she is not quite so nervous around me. But she still lies to herself, telling herself that she is in a relationship, so as not to fall madly in love with me. She knows once she falls in love with me, she will never fall out of it. She will have a greater chance of falling out of a Virgin Airways flight heading to Heathrow. Brittany really is a 10 though, even though she says she is a 7.3. And she has an American accent. High five! And she is American. Sexy times! Right...

I must quickly also mention that Arno Carstens is playing on the 24th June at The Green Dolphin(Whatever the fuck that is) at the V&A Waterfront. Time: 19:30. Call 021 421 7471 for details and the whole shindig.

I must also mention Levi's here because currently their T-shirts are sick. They have the best fit, the best designs, the best quality and the best price. I bought another one yesterday, my third one this year. They have quite a rock star edge to them, which clearly suits my lifestyle perfectly. One place to never buy at is Lee Cooper. I tried on a pair of jeans there yesterday, and I am quite a slim guy(But FUCKING ripped) and with the jeans on, I could not put my wallet into my pants. Talk about Bee Gees nut crackers. And they were low cut, so my Woolworths boxers were showing, and I felt like a porn star. Really, you are not going to find anyone much smaller than me so I don't know who the fuck they are catering for. I cannot fit into one of their shirts either, they hug my body like a coke whore hugs her coke. It's a pity really, because Lee Cooper are decently priced, have the SICKEST designs(Sort of a Diesel vibe), but they just have the worst fit ever. So we will refuse to endorse Lee Cooper. But Levi's are my boys. Except for their jeans, because they don't offer many in a bootcut anymore, which is stupid. Rather save up, go to Diesel at the V&A Waterfront and get yourself a true pair of rock star jeans.

That's it for now, I will post something later after I sleep, got home at 4am. Rock star.

Channel 4 News Team out.